So, it’s approaching that time of year again kids. BAY TO MOTHERFUCKING BREAKERS.

I’m sure, like me, you’ve been up late at night worrying over what super unique ensemble you’re going to put together for Douchebag Pride Parade 2010. And oh boy is it ever tough to decide which posse of assholes to hang with while you sleaze your way through the City.

Well worry no more. The Jersey Shore To Breakers float has got you covered!

The fine folks behind this fraternity on wheels are super pumped to announce “the return of the biggest and best float at Bay To Breakers” and this year’s theme is…OMG wait for it…the Jersey Shore! So original!

So much about this pisses me off, I don’t know where to start.

First of all, you can’t dress up like a bunch of douchebags when you already ARE a bunch of douchebags. This is like Jeffrey Dahmer going as a serial killer for Halloween. If you already own an Ed Hardy shirt, you can’t dress up as a person who would wear an Ed Hardy shirt because YOU ALREADY ARE THAT PERSON.

Second, this group wants you to know that they are totally all about preserving “the tradition of B2B.” Wow, what a noble fucking cause. How generous of you to take time out of your busy schedule of sauntering down Chestnut and date-raping to save the very event people like you helped ruin. I tip my trucker hat to you, right after I barf in it.

Fuck Bay To Breakers. Shit’s deader than Lindsay Lohan’s career. There was a time when it was more than a parade of 22-year-old frat boys & sorority sluts who can’t get over college puking their way down Fell Street. For fuck’s sake, my dad ran that shit and he was not a man to put up with bullshit, but B2B has been gentrified by scumbags and mental midgets just like everything else that used to be cool in SF.

I hate that people like this live in my city and think that spending a Sunday pissing and puking while wearing ironic running shorts and sweatbands has anything to do with what San Francisco is all about. I can’t wait until they all trade in their overpriced Marina flats for comfortable deathtraps in the suburbs and get the fuck out of town.

Why the rage? It’s simple. You don’t go to someone’s house, piss all over their couch, and then wonder why they hate you.

RE + LB 4 EVA. Between this and the Stephin Merritt thing, I’m gonna have to join the g-d film snobs union or whatever the hell it’s called. Culture, pfft.

Anyway, he’ll be receiving The Novikoff Award at An Evening with Roger Ebert and Friends on Saturday, May 1 at 5:30 pm at the Castro Theatre. That’s basically my birthday. Do you think Roger Ebert would enjoy a lap dance for my birthday? Or a hand shake? Whatevs.

Hipster Wife Hunting? I thought that was Vice? Okay, whatever.

I don’t really know what’s happening on this site, to tell you the truth. I just wanted to post it before anyone else. Blogging 3.0 people, my posts are the wave of the motherfucking future. And really, can you explain the site to me? Fuck it, I don’t care.