This is a PSA for you all you folks who can read! Can I get a what what for all the literate people in the house!

It’s come to my attention that many people don’t know how to use the San Francisco Public Library system to its full advantage and this is a g-d shame. Our libraries are pretty much the only bureaucracy in SF that’s well run, efficient, and easy to use. This is probably because it’s headed by a bunch of nerds. Holler back, librarians! Now take off those glasses, let your hair down, and let’s get freaky!!

What you need to know. 

1) You gotta get a card. Just go into any library and all you have to do is fill out a short form and provide proof that you live in the city (list of acceptable forms of ID) and you’ve got a card. If you want, you can print and fill out the form before you go. For your card, you can choose from lots of designs, including a biodegradable card made from corn! That is a true fact! San Francisco, I LOVE YOU, however I plan on having this fucker forever so you might has well make it out of that shit they make the airplane black boxes with.

2) DUDE YOU CAN TOTALLY CHECK OUT BOOKS ONLINE. It’s super fresh. All you have to do is go to their user friendly website and make an account using the number on your library card. Then, you set your how branch. Easy. Next, you search for books. They pretty much have every book ever and if they don’t, you can request it. Now, here’s where the magic happens. Say I want to read, “Columbine” (btw- if you’re into true crime, this is holy grail type material. SO GOOD.). You find it at several branches but you want it at your branch, you ain’t trying to travel around the world and shit. You just click on “request” and it adds it to your list. When it’s ready to be picked up, the library FREAKING SENDS YOU AN EMAIL (set this option in your preferences!). You just go in and near the front of every library is a request pick up area. BAM, you’re done. If you’re the super laziest, you can even requests books that are already at your branch and they’ll fucking bring them downstairs for you so you don’t have to take the five minutes to do it yourself. Also, you’re a horrible person. Also, you are me. Oh and wait, it’s better. Say you’ve had your books for awhile (lazy! or busy! whatever!) and they’re due back but you don’t want to bring them back yet, you can extend your time online! Yes! No more late fees! Or, less late fees because let’s face it, there are always gonna be late fees, lazy! Or busy! Whatever!

3) Your library has computers, free wifi, printers, and attractive patrons. It also has homeless people and a few folks with a mean case of the silent but deadlies. It evens out in your favor. 

4) FREE MOVIES!!! Excellent selection, especially in the classics department which is really nice because it is a BITCH to illegally download some of those suckers. If you’re going through an Errol Flynn phase, get yourself a library card. It took me about two years to download Too Much, Too Soon: The Daring Story of Diana Barrymore. I coulda had that from the library in ten minutes! Stupid Laura! Illegal downloading KILLS! Lesson learned! Also, tons of tv shows like Arrested Development and Big Love. <3

I love the library very much. It makes me believe that there is still hope in this shitbox of a world where our cities are crumbling into the ocean and everyone is filled with hate of such proportions that it makes Apep look like Little Red Riding Hood. See what I just did there? I learned that FROM READING.

The Independent is a movie theater like I am a newspaper box.  

Also, I am the mayor of Storyville. Get your own fucking popcorn, and while you’re at it, ditch Get Satisfaction if you ever want any constructive feedback from your users. What a pain in the ass that is. 

Sorry Mission-dwellers, NOPA-ites, and Tendernobbers, your neighborhoods have been surpassed in trendsetting hotness by the unlikeliest of places: Alameda. You all should get out there now before the New York Times gets wind of this news and ruins it for everybody. If I had any idea of how one gets to Alameda, I might even consider going myself. I don’t want to say too much about the above event, but it pops off at McGrath’s Irish Pub tomorrow, and one of the DJs/organizers is named MC Oroville. He keeps it way realer than all of you. He lives in the pictured van (The Turtle) on the streets of the Bay Area. For real. 

Okay, stop laughing, really. No, seriously, there are actually some neat things in the Sunset! Late last night (okay 9 pm, but whatever.) my friend called me (who are we kidding, she text me) to tell me that she and her friends were going to try out a bar in the Sunset called The Riptide. It’s pretty far out there, Taraval at (gasp) 46th, but let me tell you, it was well fucking worth it.

I managed to grab the 29 down Sunset and then ran-walked down 9 blocks to 46th (for warmth, it’s like, cold over here by the coast). When I arrived, I walked in to find a dance floor to my left, and some tables to the right. My friends were already at the tables, but since we’re the lucky girls that we are, the dance party came to us! No joke, we were asked to dance ON THE BAR three times, and each time we declined, the guy did a little jig in front of us, which appeared to be some sort of Riverdance/Moonwalk combo. I’m assuming, in his head, he was convinced that his performance would make us to want to dance too, but no such luck (sorry, guy!).

I went to find The Riptide’s website and found the most basic, boring thing in the entire world, so I wouldn’t recommend you checking out their website (who wants to do that anyway), but instead to check out the actually damn bar. It’s small, it’s local, and they play the best fucking music ever. Plus some chicks hooked up in the bathroom and one girl tried to pee in the walk-in fridge. Oh, and they have some little video-poker-like game thing, and duh, great drinks.

Alright kids, now go out and have fun.

[For more information and reviews check out The Riptide’s Yelp page.]