Capitalism

Hot New Technology: Hello iDad

— By Jim Chaney |

 

Meet the iDad. Announced today in a room full of virgins, the iDad has many new features that should give you the erections your wife stopped giving you five years ago. To the untrained eye, the iDad might look just like the iPop but the iDad is actually much larger and more awkward to hold than the iPop. You will be able to dock your iDad with your iMom and do everything your iPop did except now you can do it much more obnoxiously, blinding people with your giant glossy screen at Four Barrels coffee so you can check to see if your tumblr post about Apple Products got any reblogs while you were using the restroom. Future. Now.

Painted Bird Moves Locations from the Mission to the Mission.

— By Laura B |

The world’s greatest clothing store (especially for fat chicks because no other fat chicks shop there!), Painted Bird, is moving to Valencia b/ 25th & 26th. Basically right next door to where my boyfriend just moved from. So we could live together. SO TORN ABOUT THIS DECISION. 

Anyway, grand opening party on Friday, Jan 29, from 7-10 pm. See you there, I’ll be the chick hoarding all the cute clothes for fat chicks/eating all the snacks/drinking all the booze. AKA, The Life of the Party.

 

Mission Minis Needs to Get Their Shit Together and Feed Me Some Fucking Cupcakes

— By Laura B |

I guess Groupon didn’t get the memo that Mission Minis was shut the fuck down because in my inbox this morning was a deal for 60% off two dozen cupcakes. OOPS! Of course, I still tried to get said deal because FOOD YES but no dice.

Hi Laura,

Unfortunately Mission Minis had to close temporarily due to improper permits, so we had to cancel this deal and replace it with what would have been today’s side deal.

Regards,

Simon
support@groupon.com

local car dealership is actually a hotel/spa/cafe

— By El |

You guys I feel like here on Uptown Almanac we post a lot of “gritty” stuff like “dope graffiti” posts and “a car just blew up on Capp Street” posts. Worried that the interests of some demographics aren’t represented here, for example, “rich people who want at all moments to feel like they are at the W Hotel even when they are just at the car mechanic”. So, in rich people news, the BMW of San Francisco on Howard and South Van Ness is actually a “5 star hotel for cars”. It is also a “Spa for cars”. It is also a “hip wireless hotspot” where you can take your lappy and sip cappucino with other rich people while waiting for your car to get massaged and body scrubbed. Just in case you are worried that the establishment you are chilling in isn’t as cash-positive as you, you can relax knowing that they stock $1 million in BMW parts. Dunno about you, but I always feel better when I know that the cash value of “all the stuff around me” is at least $1 mill.

Burrito Justice, Streetsblog SF & Bay Area Bites Make Twitter's New Suggested User List! We Totally Want to Bone Them Now!

— By Laura B |

That’s @burritojustice, @streetsblogSF, and @bayareabites to you! They’re on Twitter’s totally revamped suggested users list under “staff picks”. Actually, most of the staff picks are SF blogs and companies which makes sense. Some gaylord named Josh lets us know that it’s all about, “the power of suggestion.” Have you noticed that a lot of these tech companies do that thing where they talk to you like you’re a retarded five-year-old? I think Apple did it first? Like, “Hey guys! My name is Josh and I’m gonna walk you through this!” It’s like, Josh. Let’s be real. Just tell me that you’ve found a new way to pimp your friends to folks in middle America who are just learning about Twitter. I mean, is there a reason that the same people* appear on like 5 lists? If Twitter really wanted to help us, “discover the best content and get the most of Twitter,” like they claim, wouldn’t there be a broader scope of people to follow? Sockington THE CAT is on like 19 lists. That’s all I’m saying. 

*And by people, I MEAN CATS. 

 

Deal of the Week: Beautiful Van (read: Child Molester Hovel on Wheels), Runs Smoothly (read: Needs Battery).

— By Laura B |

 

Mysteriously only $500. Megan Allison came through with this brilliant find at the Inner Sunset Community Billboard. And basically wrote this post. So really, she should just have her own fucking Uptown Almanac account but I ain’t the Boss Lady so WHATEVS. Also, I’m pretty sure I know the person who is selling this. Ugh. I need some new friends and fast. What are you doing this weekend? Aaaaand THAT’S my first problem.

Meanwhile, in Marin...

— By Laura B |

the rich get richer. And freakier. You know all those old pervs and sammy hagars (LAURA THAT’S THE SAME THING) in Mill Valley are alllllll over this. Also, it’ll be a nice spa alternative to the vacant-eyed stroller moms who wander the streets all day looking for a reason to live/work off the calories from their lettuce wrap.

Also, I believe the gauntlet has been THROWN, Noe Valley. Your move.

Thanks, (!?)Tyler Florence?!

I'm Never Having Babies, Part 52

— By Laura B |

I spotted this ensem in a baby store on Valencia and I call it, “MY VAGINA/SPIRIT IS BROKEN AND I CAN’T HAVE SEX AGAIN SO WHY NOT?” Alternately, “Two for the Road!” Or optionally, “3.5% of Heterosexual Men are Saving This Image For Later.” I could go on and on and on. 

I’m sorry, what exactly is being advertised here? The duel-action breast pump (ugh) or the totally inappropriate dress? What is it about maternity that brings out the no shame factor? It’s like all of a sudden these ladies think they can whip this shiz out in public and we’re all supposed to be like, “Oh the miracle of birth, so special.” This should be used in an abstinence campaign because congratulations, I’M NEVER HAVING SEX AGAIN. 

All I’m saying is, if there was a God, he would have taken my uterus/eyes by now because I can’t deal with this. 

(p.s. i wish i could say the best thing about this photo is the ghost on the mannequin’s crotch but really that’s just my boyfriend being appalled!)

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