Capitalism

The Anatomy of a Spectacular Craigslist Post: Frankenstein Motorcycle for Hipster

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

In all my years of reading Craigslist ads, I believe this poster found “the ultimate Craigslist formula”:

You are looking at one sexy BBW of a bike. Her name is Bertha and she loves to ride. I bought Bertha a year ago and she has been my moped on steroids. I only ride her around the city when I need to get somewhere fast. Dual disc up front on this bitch because fat chicks don't stop on a dime, they stop on big wet burritos. One fork seal is blown. Clear coat on the tank is coming off. But just like any hot fat chick you date they have problems so what do you expect?  Give her love and she will get you laid.  Starts up right away on the first time but then she needs to sit there while she gets her juices flowing.  If you are some skinny mission hipster/trustafarian this would be the perfect bike for you to hide your wealth behind, and mitigate your outrageous 5k collection of apple products you can't even use but to browse the internet and post pics of you facebook playing the same three cord on your guitar with some stupid scarf on your neck. This truly is a poor persons Honda. The only problem with hipsters is you are probably too weak and pot saturated to wield such a big bitch; Hipsters are used to women who starve themselves on cigarettes, cocaine, bottled water, and tofu patties. I think a 50cc Buddy would be really up your ally. If you have any questions let me know. If they are funny and not entirely stupid I may answer. If you actually want to buy this thing I will probably in all likely hood respond. If there are no buyers I will ghost ride this bitch into a wall for 500 and you can video that shit and put it on youtube or digg if you are one of those.

If a motorcycle-riding, 33-year-old Shakespeare wrote Craigslist posts, I think this is what we would have studied in high school.  I mean, it took a mere 7 words for this author to compare his bike to a fat chick.  That's not grammar school bullshit, that's untapped genius.  Let us review this author's formula:

  1. Compare product to a fat chick
  2. Tell potential buyers that their fat friend will get them laid
  3. Inform potential buyers that they'll need to perform cunnilingus on the product for it to function properly
  4. Make fun of hipsters
  5. Make fun of hipster's girlfriends
  6. Tell people you probably won't answer their questions
  7. Inform people that if they are too stupid to buy what you're selling, you're going to make said product 'go viral'

Take my money, good sir.

NIMBY Early Warning System: Target - San Francisco

— By Zach Perkins |

I had heard rumors of Target coming to the Metreon for some time. What I didn't know is that they are also considering opening a store in my neighborhood's very own vacant Orwellian complex of doom (also known as the former site of Meryn's).  

Please NIMBYs, don't fuck this up.  You've got over 600 vacant parking spots up there at the Geary location, and I've never seen more than 40 or 50 cars there when I popped into Best Buy.  These stores will generate huge amounts of tax revenue for the City and create around 200 jobs each.  And if the suggestion of creating a Target delivery service is taken seriously, even more new jobs will be available.  

For real though.  I want my discount 'Classics of the 80s' double feature DVDs and 50 pack of Mach 3 razors without having to pay for a Costco membership.  And I want my elderly Asian neighbor next door to be able to have the opportunity to have a half decent job in the neighborhood, and we all know that Trader Joe's isn't going to hire her.  

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Hipster Emergency: PBR Goes Upscale

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Today I bring you exciting news from the Orient:

Everyone's favorite American Shit Beer lager is now being exported to China in a fancy new glass bottle under a new name, “Pabst Blue Ribbon 1844.”  According to Danwei, an advertisement in the business magazine Window of the South reads:

It's not just Scotch that's put into wooden casks. There's also Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer 1844

Many world-famous spirits
Are matured in precious wooden casks
Scotch whisky, French brandy, Bordeaux wine…
They all spend long days inside wooden casks

[cut]

It's truly a treasure among beers

So, how much does one rebranded, Scotch-like pee-burrr cost you?  $44 U.S. dollars.  Seems like a lot of money, especially considering when I was in China in December, a 32oz of PBR was $0.07 USD.  Coolster legitimacy ruined.

(Danwai, via The New Yorker.  Thanks for the tip, anonymous reader!)

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Levi's Marketing Dollars: Not Just For Mission Hipsters Anymore

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Sympathetic to those 10% of Americans are unemployed, Levi's is continuing with their temporary “We Are All Workers” PR stimulus package.  This 10x15 foot tower of “climbing blocks” is debuting on the corner of Market and Powell this week, with the available white surfaces to filled by a “hired illustrator.”  How long do you think it will take these to be embraced by the locals?

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

A Short Lesson in Economics for Our Esteemed Mayor

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

For once, I mostly agree with Bill O'Reilly:

Maybe I'm alone here, but the shit that's been going down at City Hall lately is so profoundly embarrassing that it makes me want to deny living here.  In an effort to legislate for headlines rather than solve issues, the city recently banned soda from public vending machines and is currently considering banning pet sales because there are too many abandoned hamsters at the SFPCA.  Look Gavin, I know you blew your way through college and you're pretty much just winging this gig as mayor, so let me help you out a little bit.

The city has some real problems, like a huge budget deficit that our already ludicrous tax-rate can't balance.  And that it's goddamn impossible to find condoms on the 23rd St. Walgreens*.  However, Gavin is generally more concerned with addressing the negative externalities of capitalism than running the city.  How can we solve these problems at the same time?  Taxes.

This graph should actually mean something to a politician.  Sadly, Gavin is a talentless jackass in a suit.

Basically, what Gavin is trying to address is that a hamster may cost $25 at Petco, but it costs society additional money because SFPCA needs to care for the animals/toss them in zee ovens.  There are a few ways to handle this problem:

  1. Criminalization: makes you look tough for your campaign for higher office, but doesn't do jack shit (how hard is it to buy drugs?)  In these cases, people will just ride the BART to buy pets or buy soda from a bodega.
  2. Lawsuits: sue the pants off companies hurting America.  Generally just makes lawyers rich and slaps wrists.
  3. Taxation: artificially raises the cost of goods with negative social effects to lower consumption of said goods while raising revenue for the government/regulatory agencies/the NSA's porn addiction.

What am I getting at here?  If our elected officials even had the faintest idea as to what they were doing (read: qualified individuals were elected for office, as opposed to windbags like Chris Daly), they would cease making the city look like it is governed by a left-wing idealist version of Sharia law and begin taxing the things that hurt our society.  Too many hamsters being euthanized?  Put a tax on hamster sales, thus encouraging people to adopt while simultaneously raising funds for the SFPCA.  Too many fat kids drinking soda?  Tax soda sales within city limits and use the money to fund healthy lunches in school cafeterias.

In short, stop running for Lt. Governor and try to fix the city.

* okay, that last one isn't a problem for City Hall.

(video hat tip to SF Citizen)

Levi's Workshops Not Really Doing Anything For the Community?

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Reader and local print maker nathalie has some words on the matter:

Hi. There is an idea that the public can go here and print. There is no info about a supposed public day on the levisworkshop site. An article in sfgate said that Sunday is public day and that one needs merely to sign up. I emailed through the levisworkshop site regarding specifics, how does one sign up, do you need to bring your own paper? no one responded. Today I went in to ask theses same questions and was told to just show up on Sunday and that I could use the facilities and supplies. I'll try it Sunday and let you know how it goes. My intention is to prove that anyone can print there if that is true and set an example. If anyone can really print there, let's bombard the place and print our show posters, art prints whatever. Am I naive to think this is a possible? “Sales” from items in this “store” I am told by a worker go directly to your choice of a provided list of mission non profits. I appreciate the intention of this levisworkshop project to provide public facility and benefit local non profits but so far I am not convinced that the execution of this intention is successful. So far they are getting a lot of attention and press but has anyone from the mission community benefited from this experiment?

I know from personal experience that on Sundays they let you play with the print making equipment, but it didn't look like they were letting you do any type-setting.

Maybe reader Greg has a point and they don't owe us or the community shit:

Corporations are part of life in 2010. Your car is corporate. Your clothes are corporate. Your computer is corporate. Your phone is corporate. Your bike is corporate. Your shoes are corporate. Your house is made of corporate wood. Your activist spray-paint is corporate. And the drugs to keep you from feeling depressed from your own anarchist mind are corporate. Better get used to your place in the space/time continuum because it's where you are.

Levi's is trying to incorporate into the community by adapting and providing something useful & interesting & artistic. Is there business and branding motives behind it - sure - we live in a capitalist city and country. But no one complains when a mom & pop shop puts up a trashy store that gives nothing back to the community - why? What's the difference? Trash is okay as long as it's local? They're local employees at Levi's. They're local managers at Levi's. Hell, they're even a local headquarters that started in San Francisco. So are we to vandalize any Valencia street company that actually grows beyond Valencia st.

At the end of the day, it still feels like they are just taking advantage of Valencia St.   From what I understand, they are doing some filming in the store for a new national ad campaign “Everybody's Work is Equally Important.”  Feels like a crappy, corporate “Real World: Valencia St.”  But, hey, you can use their print-making tools on Sunday, so I guess it's cool?

Weird Fish Really Stepping Up This Whole Gringo Street Food Fad

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Yeah the seitan tacos were delicious but LOOK AT THAT FUCKING BIKE.  Trash can, place to wash your hands, A FUCKING GRILL NEXT TO THE HANDLEBARS.  This motherfucker could cook my ass a tofu scramble during critical mass and never even need to stop pedaling.  All he needs to do is put some turntables, a kegerator and a Phil Wood hub with some Japanese cog on there and he'll become the envy of American Apparel burners everywhere.

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