Fear of Major Brands in the Mission: Case # 87,679,001

Maybe adopting 'authentic cultural themes' (via Thailand) would help residents accept the 7-Eleven brand

On November 5th 2009, the owner of a 76 station at Mission and 30th submitted an application for renovations to the San Francisco Planning Department. In his letter, Somil Gandhi and his representatives stated their intent to re-brand the gas station's food mart as a 7-Eleven.  

On May 20th 2010, the San Francisco Planning Department found the renovations to be “necessary and/or desirable”, granted Somil conditional use authorization to move forward with his plans, and scheduled a hearing in a week's time to finalize their approval.

On May 27th 2010, the NIMBYs flipped their shit.  

With locally crafted pitchforks and biodegradable torches in hand, a group of “neighborhood activists” descended on the hearing.  While the overtones of an intrinsic hatred for corporate branding were present, the NIMBY mob must have realized that this sort of knee-jerk reaction wouldn't make for a solid argument when trying to sway city planners.  So instead they argued that 7-Eleven is a crime magnet and would “threaten local business” by fucking with their coffee sales. Whether or not you're delusional enough to believe that local cafe goers would switch from Philz to gas station coffee in droves, it's a moot point because the 76's food mart is already selling equally shitty coffee.

The great '7-Eleven Coffee threat' aside, let's make something very clear; this gas station is a local business and would remain a local business.  Somil Gandhi is not selling his food mart to an evil corporation so that they can rape the fertile land that is Mission and 30th.  The business will remain owned and operated by him and his family.  All that changes is the signage and a slight expansion of the building's 'office area' to comply with corporate regulations.  By doing so, Somil's suffering business will save money by being granted access to 7-Eleven's consolidated distribution network; allowing him to purchase goods at lower costs from a single retailer instead of several dozen.  

Now it's true that gas stations do get robbed, but 3400 Mission has already been a gas station for some time.  The only way that adding a 7-Eleven sign to an existing gas station could be perceived as painting a bulls-eye on the area, would be the fact that 7-Elevens typically sell alcohol and alcohol promotes crime.  But there's one little catch, and the NIMBYs seem to have missed this in the project proposal (WHICH IS PUBLIC AND EASILY ACCESSIBLE, EVEN TO HALF WIT BLOGGERS LIKE MYSELF); this 7-Eleven will not sell alcohol.  I REPEAT: THE PROPOSED 7-ELEVEN WILL NOT SELL ALCOHOL.  This fact is clearly stated twice in the application (pages 11 and 39).  

Thursday, July 1st, the Planning Department will reconvene in the case of 'Somil Gandhi and his family's financial well being VS. Yuppie sensibilities and cultural elitism'.  Be sure to pour out a Gameday beer in honor of Somil Jr's non-existant college fund; because I'm sure he wanted to work at a failing gas station for the rest of his life anyway (so long as it wasn't a 'yucky 7-Eleven', how uncouth!)  

Mission NIMBYs: enjoy your dilapidated 76 food-mart and future vacant lot.

Is the lack of Gameday beer at the proposed 7-Eleven the real reason behind opposition?

In the event you've been living under a rock (or don't read food blogs), the San Francisco bloggernets have been going NUTS over the news that Ike's might be EVICTED (via sue-happy NIMBY neighbors).  I feel like this is San Francisco's OJ Simpson Trial.  If the food bloggers were the jurors, Ike's would get off, bloody baguette and all.  But in reality, the neighbors have some legitimate claims.  The line is insane and I'm sure it is annoying having polite white people eating sandwiches on your stoop.  To me, it seems ridiculous Ike's hasn't moved to a more appropriate location.  I've never even gone to Ike's and have no intention of doing so because, fuck it, my time is better spent just getting a delicious veggie BBQ “chicken” sandwich at Rhea's and going to the park then hanging out with tourists in a two hour line.  But just because locals seem turned off by the line doesn't mean the business is evil.  The idea of suing Ike's out of business just because the line annoys you gives me the willies.  Hopefully the court is reasonable and Ike can move to a more appropriate location on his own schedule, not a government-mandated one.

On a lighter note, be sure to read the comments on Vegansaurus about the matter.  Vegansaurus commenters are my favorite SF commenters because they are the boil on the ass of veganism.  In this case, they want to crucify poor Ike on a cross of gluten-free soy because he “kills a lot of animals.”  You know, because people trying to cater to vegans, even a little bit, are bad people.  These tools are the reason Mission Burger stopped serving their BOMB-ASS VEGAN BURGER and why most omnivores don't want to kiss veggie boys and girls.  Tears.  (link)

(photo by Charles  Haynes)

After closing their Valencia St. plant in 2002, Levi's has decided to make Valencia and 17th the new home for an upcoming store “Levi's Workshops.”  Their website says a lot without saying anything:

This is where it all begins.
A pioneering act.  A focus on craftsmen and their craft.
A merger of creation and community.  A spirit of devotion and dedication.
This is Levi's Workshops.
July 1st,  San Francisco

No idea if that means they are teaching classes or something similar.  Their signage says “alterations” and “laundry.”  Fun!

On a side note, I'm really digging the fact that their signage has “bloggers” on it.

San Francisco!  A call to arms!  

The Battle against icing is no longer just at our doorsteps; a vile invasion from our shallower neighbors to the South.  No my friends, it is being fought right here in our very streets and sadly we are losing.  From Bay to Breakers to SOMA startups, to the Palo Alto palace of Facebook HQ, the bros of the Axis of Ice are swiftly moving from viral meme to being fully entrenched as a cultural institution.  

Yesterday, the Resistance against icing received intel from Gawker agents that none other than Mein Zückerberg himself was spotted icing one of his employees; the two-first-name-having Firefox founder Blake Ross.  It has also been known for some time that the douche-repository site Office Icing was created and run by San Francisco tech-marketing startup [NAME REDACTED]. 

While there were momentary celebrations of victory when Bros Icing Bros appeared to have retreated from battle, new intel reports that this retreat is temporary and that Bros Icing Bros will soon return as a fully funded startup in what is sure to be a 'Blitzkrieg of Bro'.  Estimates of our potential casualties were not yet available at the time of this broadcast. 

We are not safe San Francisco.  Simply refusing to participate is no longer enough to repel the Axis of Ice.  We must fight back with our own memes.  We at the Resistance have created these icing alternatives to aid you in the good fight. 

Bros Flasking Bros: Jameson preferred. 

Bros Ricing Bros: Rice-A-Roni's profits are in the toilet, help a fallen SF icon.

Actually that's just fucking retarded, never mind. 

Can also be done in conjunction with any alternative above.

Bros Tazing Bros.