Capitalism

Cool Kid Marketing: Beer and Bike Racks

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

This Belizean beer company sure knows how to market themselves.  The badboys at Belikin welded their logo to bike racks and put them around town.  Gold.  I feel like beer companies in the Yay should start doing this: SF loves bikes, bikes and booze go together like William Shatner and dead baby jokes, and our broke-ass city need more bike racks and as long as a cool brand that the city already identifies with / could identify with if the company’s marketing team told us to identify with them is footing the bill, we could have hella bike racks sporting rad aluminum logos too.  Whose snatch do I have to give lackluster head to at city hall to get a bunch of Uptown Almanac bike racks outside The Uptown?

No Insurance? No Problem!

— By Laura B |

This is probably the mother of all groupons: $49 bucks for X-Rays, Consultation, and Teeth Cleaning! If you have insurance, fuck you stop reading and never come back. If you don’t, this is a damn good deal. Get your teef cleaned, I’m tired of the denizens of this fine city looking like extras in Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?. Seriously, what is this place and lack of pride in personal hygiene and appearance? Ladies, get thee to a salon and men, please acquaint yourself with a razor because shit is getting unruly. Time to take back the streets, San Francisco. And by the streets, I mean your crotchular region.

Cool: Now 50-75% Off

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Are you feeling less cool?  Is that pretentious hipster hoe not ‘droppin dem drawers’?  Well now you can go get in on the soon-to-die fashion trend for cheap.  So take that Dolores Park Chiller on Caltrain down to your Palo Alto tech office to show the 6.4% female workforce just how cool light-blue button-ups can be.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Yelp Drinks!: Yeah, boyeeeee!!

— By Laura B |

 

Get 50% off at a load of fancy pants bars if you can admit that Yelp sent you. I ain’t too proud to beg but some of you with more money might want to pay double because YEAH, BOYEEEEE*!!!

*no seriously, Yelp used the phrase “YEAH, BOYEEEEE!!!!” on their event page. I don’t even know.

 

OMG Slumber Party at The Fairmont!

— By Laura B |

I don’t know about yall but I’m about to go Beverly Hillbillies on the Fairmont’s ass. That is why you don’t put this shit on super sale and let the plebes in. I’m going to pull my barely running hunk o’ junk into valet and force them to unload my garbage bag of clothes and live chickens. I’m about to run through the halls naked and snoop through maid’s closets to find the good toiletries and then attempt to sneak into the penthouse suites and rub my naked body all over the bed that Bill Clinton sleeps in when he’s in town. What? That kind of power is attractive. Plus, the last time he was in town, he wasn’t terrible to behold? Maybe? 

Anyway, if you need me, I’ll be taking a bath in The Tonga Room pool. Rub a dub dub, motherfuckers!

More Racism in the Most "Progressive" City in America, Amici's Pizza Edition

— By Megan Allison |

This blog enjoys the irony of entrenched discriminatory conventions in our self-proclaimed bastion of progressivism (hypocrite city!)  

Sharon at Vegansaurus brings us this gem.  check out Amici’s Pizza’s “racist map of delivery intolerance.” 

I mean DANG.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

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