Mission District

Cool Kid Animal Sightings: Snail

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Saw this snail on Capp St. today.  Thought it was totally adorable but figured you jackasses would be all “wtf, why is there a goddamn snail on this goddamn blog?”  Therefore, I augmented the snail for your entertainment.

Is Carnaval the New Bay to Breakers?

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

On Sunday, I was looking for an excuse to get drunk before Church and I remembered it was Carnaval so I cracked open my first Keystone Light at 8:30 and made my way to 24th.  Turns out I wasn't the only other person in the mood.  In fact, with fears that Bay to Breakers might be canceled next year, I think Carnaval is easily the next big thing in SF degenerance:

  1. The streets are already closed to slow moving people and floats
  2. The streets are already filled with semi-naked boys and girls
  3. The streets are already filled with people dressed in funny costumes
  4. There are “mad roof parties”
  5. There are “mad stoop parties”
  6. The Mission is already covered in garbage and piss
  7. The parade ends very close to Dolores park, which is already full of garbage and piss

Let's do it people!  Fuck those whiny NOPA neighbors.  Let's do what we were born to do.  Let's get drunk on 24th and piss all over the Mission.

It's our calling.

Even old people were getting into the festivities

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

This is why you shouldn't park in the Mission

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Bro was the highlight of my 3 o'clock hour at Carnaval.  Just jumping from car to car.  Smashing in their hoods.  Shaking his ass.  Thought about 'doing the right thing' and stopping him but I hate cockblocking fun.

As you can see in the evidence below, he has the vocal chords of a God.

CARNAVAL 2010

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Apparently there is this thing called Carnaval in the Mission.  Neat!  Unfortunately it starts at 9:30 in the morning (7:30 if you live anywhere near the hippie drum circle warm-up lounge).   Anyways, because I assume most of you had better things to do with your morning, like have sex and eat Lucky Charms, I took my 7-year-old point-and-shoot that has survived two drops in the toilet (I like taking pictures of myself peeing) and my 5-month-old iPhone.  Which do you think took better photos?  Enjoy:

My Carnaval started out just right: two smug white people complaining about “idiots” using disposable coffee cups.  For a hot second, I mumbled “fucking tourists.”  Then I remembered I was in San Francisco.

Carnaval 2010 Press Pool

Carnaval is the only time of the year when you can be coked out swinging a machete down 24th and not get shot by police.

The world's most embarrassing gang initiation ceremony.

The street closures presented the perfect opportunity for hipster divas to take “epic profile pics.”

I initially photographed this girl because I thought she looked like Cousin Itt.

After Zorro here tried to whip my camera out of my hand, he discovered his cape wasn't bullet-proof.

It was truly a hallmark year for fashion.  For example, this bro managed to incorporate every one of the hipster primary colors into his outfit.

Here is my proof that I witnessed a celebrity sighting.

I kept waiting for Peter Parker to change into his Spideysuit, but it never happened.

Anyways, what was my favorite scene of Carnaval 2010?

Want.

The Mission for Yuppies

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

An anonymous reader sent us this map:

Check out the map a yuppie friend drew to explain the Mission to out-of-towners. He characterized my street as “less scary”. Fuck that shit.

We agree.  FUCK THAT SHIT.  We made your friend a better map for yuppies:

There, that's everything white out-of-towners need to know.  Tell your friend he can mail his check for $75 to 300 Beale St., Suite #100, SF 94105

Pop's is Having an Identity Crisis

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

A month or so ago, Pop's ditched their amazing 90s-era television for a flat screen.  That was sacrilegious, but I was willing to deal with it because it's the only bar in the Mission you can drink Jager unironically.  But this?  No more awesome posters.  No more Burt Reynolds.  No more vintage Bud Light boxes.  No NOTHING.  Just a bunch of ugly ass, plain, graffiti-free red walls.  Rumor even has it that TRINA is leaving the jukebox.

Pop's is one of my favorite bars in the world because they proudly display who has been 86ed from the joint:

  1. Jesse was booted for repeatedly starting fights and throwing pint glasses in guy's faces.
  2. Another bro for exposing his genitals to “yuppies” and pissing in the corner behind the pinball machine.
  3. Another girl for throwing a pint glass through the front window.

Pop's is one of the only bars in the Mission where you can get molested for not looking cool.  Pop's is one of the only bars in the Mission where the women are more likely to hurt you then the bros.  Pop's is one of the only bars in the Mission with slam-dunk competitions.

Has Pop's peaked?  Is this an end of an era?  Will Pop's lameout and start hosting art shows in favor of shitty posters?

Don't go anywhere, Pop's.  We loved you the way it was.

Smooches <3,
-Monty

P.S. - Get rid of the Valley Girl soundtrack.  Fuck that garbage.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

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