Sports

Cornhole!

We've been hearing rumors that everyone's favorite dive-themed bar Dr. Teeth had set-up a cornhole pitch on their patio, but never made it back there to see for ourselves.  And what a mistake that was.

They've got a nice terraced astroturf lawn for you to spill your drink on, two boards, and a whole bunch of bean bags to whip at your friends when they aren't looking.  It's all the fun that you come to expect with southern lawn games, without having to make friends with the randoms who bring cornhole to Dolores Park.  Plus, you get to play while sucking down PBR tallboys and feasting on a plate of sweet potato tater tots.  That is to say, it's pretty much the perfect way to spend daylight hours at a bar.

(If you're curious, Alissa effortlessly whooped my ass two games to one.  I'm not much into losing, so I guess I'm not much into cornhole.)

Meth Heads and Pinball

Sexpigeon has some insight on pinball and performance-enhancing drugs:

I am not great at pinball, not at all. I’ve plateaued. My style is scrappy if you want to put it kindly, is sloppy if you want to put it honestly. My substitute for precision is a manic vigor. I slap and bat and wail when things go down the drain.

Meth heads are extremely good at pinball. It’s a goddamn thrill to watch a meth head make shot after shot after shot. If you live in San Francisco, head over to Brain Wash bright and early, like at seven-thirty in the morning, and watch them at work. You will never be as good as them unless you start snorting drugs. Flabbergasting shit, I swear it.

7:30 is kind of early to interact with some sporting tweakers in a done up laundromat—kind of early to interact with anyone, for that matter. But I guess that's what it takes to squander some quarters on a silver medal and hear “YEAH BITCH!” get tossed around.

[Photo by mr.chehoski]

Mini Golf in the Mission

Ever wonder what all these new 24th Street art galleries actually do for money?  Host a mini-golf 'pop-up', that's what.  For $2 a round (decidedly cheaper than grabbing the next flight to New York for a free round at Bushwick Country Club), you can putt a few balls indoors, just like you did when you were a horny teen.

Of course, who the hell knows when they're actually open for business, as they were closed Sunday afternoon—a seemingly perfect time to get a few bucks out of the wallets of some nostalgic sunburnt drunks.  But should you want to chance it for a round, you can head over to 24th and Treat (just down from Mission Skateboards) and rattle their gates yourself.

Desperate Times...

Economy got you down?  Can't afford your subscription to free internet porn?  Mission Cliffs membership too much in lean times?  Well, those bricks on the side of the Kink Dot Com Castle are here to help you out.  Just climb up the wall, get some exercise, peep yourself a show, and rappel in sin.

[Photo by sarryfromdaarrey]

Ed Lee to Plant Dodgers Fans in AT&T Park for Upcoming Series

Ed Lee is trying to curb the centuries-old tradition of hurling peanuts, beer, and obscenities at fans of the visiting team, according to the SF Examiner:

Giants fans, try not to hassle that Los Angeles Dodgers fan braving this weeks games at AT&T Park. He or she might be a cop.

Undercover officers are donning gear from the hated Dodgers during the current three-game series in an effort to enforce civility and prevent episodes like the one last year at Dodger Stadium in which Giants fan Bryan Stow was beaten until he was comatose.

Certainly the rivalry between the Giants and the Dodgers is as hot as its ever been, Mayor Ed Lee said. We want to do everything possible that we can to make our city continue to be safe.

Seems unnecessary considering how civil Giants fans are (except towards city infrastructure during a successful playoff season, of course).  Where does Ed think he is?  Oakland?

Anyway, I suppose I'll be leaving my nail-spiked bat at home…

[SF Examiner]

San Francisco Music Video Death Match Week, Round 3: Huey Lewis And The News - I Want A New Drug

As a kid born in the mid eighties, 90s music videos hold a very special place in my heart. But none of the San Francisco-centric videos we seen on Uptown this week can stand up to this juggernaut - Huey Lewis and the News' 1983 hit 'I Want a New Drug'. Otherwise known as “that song they ripped off in Ghostbusters”, the quasi-local Huey Lewis and the News produced a San Francisco-centric video that still resonates with the lives of many residents today.

Let's start at the beginning of the video. After a particularly rough Whiskey Wednesday that ended with the procurement of 1980s-caliber blow from a bartender at legendary SOMA hotspot Caribbean Zone, 'young' Huey (he was 34) wakes up disheveled and hungover in the middle of the afternoon. Huey dunks his head in ice water while repeatedly declaring his great need for a new, less adverse chemical substance. Not long after, he realizes that he's late for his own show, hops in his piece of shit vintage (even for then) Karmann Ghia, and speeds down Potrero Hill. This is where things in the narrative start making a lot less sense… 
 
Huey makes it to a ferry boat in the nick of time. He downs an entire box of alka seltzer, which is served to him by a bow tie wearing waiter cause fuck it it was the 80s and why the hell not have bottle service on a commuter ferry. Dude probably offered him blow too, but Huey is still hungover and, at least for the next 48 hours, is convinced that he needs a new drug. Rocking a bright ass red suit, Huey starts getting sideways glances from the cookie-cutter Patrick Bateman corporate stand-ins (aka: future fans) who are apparently also really late for work. It won't be until 1986 that Huey realizes it's hip to be square and tones down the colors of his wardrobe. 
 

PICTURED: Hypothermia and non-SAG/AFTRA day rates

 
At this point, it seems like the LA-based director of the music video becomes disappointed by the overall grey-ness of the Bay Area, and asks his location manager if there's any way they can “make the Bay look more like Santa Monica”. Their casting director obliges, and the Bay is then decorated with supermodel caliber girls in bikinis, 'sun bathing' on speed boats in 50 degree weather.
 
Once arriving at his destination (Oakland? Larkspur?), Huey boards a helicopter so that he can immediately fly back to San Francisco, the city that just came from in a pretty big hurry. Huey either literally had a 'new drug' waiting for him in Oakland that he desperately needed to pick up before his show, or his Groupon for a helicopter tour was set to expire that morning. 
 
The rest of the video is pretty standard stuff. Huey makes it to the gig; his Rick Rubin looking tour manager gets pissed that he's late; Huey crotch thrusts into the face of an improbably hot girl in the front row; three clones of Huey Lewis play saxophone together, and San Francisco pop culture history is made. 
 

PICTURED: Two Huey Lewis clones and KevMo on the right.

Anyone Up For Some Downward Dog on the Corner of 16th and Mission?

The weather sure has been nice lately, but bringing your yoga mats out into the festering sore that is the 16th and Mission BART plaza?  I'm not sure that's the best idea ever.  The sights, sounds, and smells of a hazmat zone are not exactly the peaceful environs one expects to be immersed in.  And I cannot even imagine what kind of chemical bath you have to give yourself afterwards.

[Photo by Eddie Codel]

Your Local Messengers are the Best in the Nation

Even though we just posted about TCB Courier a few days ago, we're gonna do it again — right now — so prepare yourself.

Over the past weekend, a few of the TCB riders flew out to Richmond, Virginia to compete in the North American Cycling Courier Championships, and our homeboy/TCB head honcho Chas Christiansen won the whole thing. So what exactly is NACCS you ask? Let's take a look, via the NACCS website:

The North American Cycle Courier Championship is the premier bike messenger event on the continent. The hardest working couriers throughout the continent converge to socialize and face off for a chance at the title of Courier Champion. The weekend event will be a grueling logistical challenge of strength, speed, and mental capacity. Open forums, parties, and side events turn the weekend into a true celebration of sport, friendships and culture.

This is a pretty big deal, not only because it means that Chas is the best of the best, but also because this is the first time that San Francisco has won any sporting championship since that North American Stickball/Journey sing-a-long Championship back in 2010.

So congratulations Chas! We at Uptown Almanac are pumped you brought it home for SF, and we can't wait to see you at our door with those sandwiches in 30 minutes or less (cause then it's free, right? Or am I thinking of Dominos…).

[Photo via Zach Gibson]

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