Sports

Meanwhile in the Marina...

— By Kate Horton |

 

So, it’s approaching that time of year again kids. BAY TO MOTHERFUCKING BREAKERS.

I’m sure, like me, you’ve been up late at night worrying over what super unique ensemble you’re going to put together for Douchebag Pride Parade 2010. And oh boy is it ever tough to decide which posse of assholes to hang with while you sleaze your way through the City.

Well worry no more. The Jersey Shore To Breakers float has got you covered!

The fine folks behind this fraternity on wheels are super pumped to announce “the return of the biggest and best float at Bay To Breakers” and this year’s theme is…OMG wait for it…the Jersey Shore! So original!

So much about this pisses me off, I don’t know where to start.

First of all, you can’t dress up like a bunch of douchebags when you already ARE a bunch of douchebags. This is like Jeffrey Dahmer going as a serial killer for Halloween. If you already own an Ed Hardy shirt, you can’t dress up as a person who would wear an Ed Hardy shirt because YOU ALREADY ARE THAT PERSON.

Second, this group wants you to know that they are totally all about preserving “the tradition of B2B.” Wow, what a noble fucking cause. How generous of you to take time out of your busy schedule of sauntering down Chestnut and date-raping to save the very event people like you helped ruin. I tip my trucker hat to you, right after I barf in it.

Fuck Bay To Breakers. Shit’s deader than Lindsay Lohan’s career. There was a time when it was more than a parade of 22-year-old frat boys & sorority sluts who can’t get over college puking their way down Fell Street. For fuck’s sake, my dad ran that shit and he was not a man to put up with bullshit, but B2B has been gentrified by scumbags and mental midgets just like everything else that used to be cool in SF.

I hate that people like this live in my city and think that spending a Sunday pissing and puking while wearing ironic running shorts and sweatbands has anything to do with what San Francisco is all about. I can’t wait until they all trade in their overpriced Marina flats for comfortable deathtraps in the suburbs and get the fuck out of town.

Why the rage? It’s simple. You don’t go to someone’s house, piss all over their couch, and then wonder why they hate you.

Cool Kid Travels: People give a fuck about hockey in SoMa?

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

I was just talking with a fellow ex-Bostonian about how kinda miss the sports passion in Boston, even though we don’t particularly give a fuck about sports ourselves.  Watching some dumb-fuck wearing a Yankees cap get savaged by 5 drunk Irish bros after the Red Sox lose is goddamn life changing experience.  1) fights are addictive to watch and people in SF are weak off the heroin and only talk shit rather than do innovative things with with metal objects, 2) Irish people, powered by Jameson and Catholicism, don’t fuck around and, 3) it’s a fitted baseball cap?  But really, it would be fun if SF 1906ed whenever a team actually won a game.

 

"Bud Light making commercials written by people who eat crayons"

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Uptown Alamanc is all about ‘original content,’ but I was too busy watching the water-dish-cam and listening to Shake Your Rump to watch Super Bowl commercials and Drew Hoolhorst actually works in the advertising industry:

I don’t know who writes these. The funny thing is that they are probably very talented people. But I think they get to the Bud Light client, and realize that they could just suggest to them a guy farting and this would presumably be something that Bud Light would be interested in spending 3 million dollars on.

Client: We’re trying to sell bud light, a poor tasting beer, to the people who already drink it. Any thoughts?

Agency: How about a guy farting. Or like, a guy who calls his friends, but sounds like a rap song that was popular in 2008.

Client: …GO ON…

So out of all the things they could spend some cash on, Bud Light went with: guys talking to each other in T-Pain sounds, a guy who made a house out of bud light cans, people who watch meteors thinking they’re gonna die so they want to party (novel), and how funny it’d be if you drank at a book club but then came up with zero jokes about this and just had a bunch of douchey guys drinking bud light.

Was the creative brainstorm held at Jimmy’s totally rad 15th birthday party?

OH WAIT THERE’S MORE 

I Hope You Choke to Death on Bacon-Wrapped Cupcakes While Wearing This

— By Brizz |

 

The Giants announce their 2010 promotional giveaways tomorrow, and leaked out today on Facebook that one of them is the Giants-themed Snuggie pictured above. The only things I’m more sick of hearing about than Snuggies is bacon and cupcakes. (Yes, I will go to this giveaway and yes I will wear this, but I will hate myself.)  In semi-related news, one of my friends who is a high school teacher posted this as his status on Facebook today: “Teenagers Discover THE HANGOVER, Quote It Every Single Day, and Drive Teacher Insane.” Also, just to preempt you: bathroom graffiti.

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