Mission District

Mission Mission is Ripped "A New One"

— By Laura B |

There’s a new blog in town that’s a parody of 7x7’s bold hyper-local experiment. It’s pretty funny because let’s face it NO COMMENT (KEVIN!?) but I have some suggestions for OMG the Mish! I mean, if I were gonna make a bloghomage to that particular site, I’d post many photos of myself dancing at some obscure show because i’m not fat anymore and LOOK THESE ARE MY FRIENDS*. That would be the only thing I didn’t hate on or mock because OMG THEY LIKE ME. I’d also have some choice photos of blades of grass growing through the concrete and shit like that. Then maybe I’d move somewhere else that’s not the mission and have some other people posts news 5 days too late. AND DON’T GET ME STARTED ON THE COMMENTERS. If you want to rock a true blogomage, you’re gonna have to get hateful brat commenters who hale from cities like Concord and don’t have the balls to move farther away from home. That’s the problem with the internet, it allows people who had no friends in high school to reign supreme(ish). It’s totally embarrassing. I want to beat up the internet.

Man, my parody blog would be the SHIT. If there were 35 hours in a day, I’d be all over that. I can’t wait until someone makes an Uptown Almanac blogomage. Please contact me for ideas on how to make fun of me. 

And with that, I think I alienated half of the city of San Francisco. Good, I can’t stand your ugly faces anyway, come back when you’ve plucked your eyebrows and combed that rat’s nest. GOOD NIGHT!

*I personally am fat and LOVE IT. that is why i don’t suffer from former fatkiditis and the need to be cool…that shit is the worst thing that can ever happen to a fatty. anyway, i’m just calling it like I see it. It coulda been bad acne too. 

What did you get for Valentine's Day?

— By Jim Chaney |

I got urine. We let some creeper status sleep on the couch after we got back around 6am from the “Black Valentine Masquerade” at Mighty last night/morning. It wasn’t a Masquerade really so much as a bunch of burners on shitty drugs trying to find any sort of underlying rhythm to dance to within the constant wave of maxed out bass in between taking cigarette breaks every fifteen minutes to grind their teeth and talk about how to get more shitty drugs. Anyways, the lame club party isn’t the point of this post.

Someone PEED ON MY COUCH. Like slept on the motherfucker and released the contents of his bladder. We think we know the culprit and we want you to know, if you’re out there, we’re coming for you.

As soon as it is confirmed, I will be posting pictures and information on the individual who pissed on my sofa. I would like to propose that everyone in the Mission (and maybe Northern California) engage in a good old fashioned shunning of this whiz-kid for the forseeable future. We can put flyers up:

”HAVE YOU SEEN THIS GUY? KEEP HIM AWAY FROM ANYTHING YOU LOVE, HE WILL FALL ASLEEP AND PEE ON IT”

The amount of rage I felt as I stepped out of my bedroom into my living room to do a typical sunday morning damage report and saw that my couch was soggy made me feel like going to WalMart and breaking 20+ LCD TVS . As my coffee steeped in the french press, I turned my back to the stain. I turn around and the stain is still there. It seems that this tainted furniture is a reality of my life for now.

Mission, we must band together, this day. We must create a pariah. Do it for my couch, your couch, your children’s children’s hovercouches.

Wicked Romantic

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

The shy girl that farted in the library - m4w - 24 (mission district)

You farted in the library and kicked a chair to distract anyone from knowing that you farted. I was sitting behind you with a group of friends. They heard and smelled the fart. I covered for you and told them it was me.

Let’s have coffee sometime :)

Via Jane.

Cocktail Classes to PLEASE YOUR MAN!

— By Laura B |

 Ladies, gather round. From 7x7 (again with the 7x7 bashing! What can I say? They can’t do anything right. 7x7’s mom shoulda had an abortion LAURA OMG):

 

That’s right, learn about drinks that GUYS LIKE. Guys like whiskey, aged run and anejo tequilla. Man, I’ve been really fucking up over here, trying to woo dudes with Pina Coladas and shit. Also, I’m curious, what is the masculine side of cockails? Are we gonna meet cocktails with penises? Or who are day traders? I’m so confused.

BEST PART?

That’s right, this all takes place right before the Rocket Dog Rescue fundraiser that Uptown Almanac is bartending at. Expect some epic pictures on the blog tomorrow. SO EXCITED.

SF Tenants Union Don't Even Play

— By Laura B |

Go SFTU! I also like that their acronym is almost the same as STFU, kinda like that whole FUCK/FCUK thing but actually wonderful. I mean, if that isn’t the best thing you’ve seen in a long time, I’ll eat my foot. I’m kinda hungry anyway SO BRING IT.

 

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