Mission District

San Francisco Tried to Ban Guns and That Worked So Well That It's Now Open Season on 22nd

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Lone Palm is a terrific place to get inappropriately drunk and pass out on the bathroom floor, but I always felt it lacked that ‘Wild West’ charm that one would expect from a place that accepts credit cards as a legitimate form of payment.  Well shit, I was reading Rio Yañez’s blog and peeped this: a set of photographs proving that handguns are ‘totally cool’ at both Lone Palm and The Rite Spot Cafe.  This is incredible news because my Ruger 50th Anniversary Super Blackhawk .44 Magnum Revolver totally matches my new American Apparel “THIS IS WHAT A FEMINIST LOOKS LIKE” hoodie.

(link)

Painted Bird Moves Locations from the Mission to the Mission.

— By Laura B |

The world’s greatest clothing store (especially for fat chicks because no other fat chicks shop there!), Painted Bird, is moving to Valencia b/ 25th & 26th. Basically right next door to where my boyfriend just moved from. So we could live together. SO TORN ABOUT THIS DECISION. 

Anyway, grand opening party on Friday, Jan 29, from 7-10 pm. See you there, I’ll be the chick hoarding all the cute clothes for fat chicks/eating all the snacks/drinking all the booze. AKA, The Life of the Party.

 

Mission Minis Needs to Get Their Shit Together and Feed Me Some Fucking Cupcakes

— By Laura B |

I guess Groupon didn’t get the memo that Mission Minis was shut the fuck down because in my inbox this morning was a deal for 60% off two dozen cupcakes. OOPS! Of course, I still tried to get said deal because FOOD YES but no dice.

Hi Laura,

Unfortunately Mission Minis had to close temporarily due to improper permits, so we had to cancel this deal and replace it with what would have been today’s side deal.

Regards,

Simon
support@groupon.com

Monday Night? More Like LEAVE YOUR G-D HOUSE AND MAYBE YOU WON'T DIE ALONE NIGHT! A series.

— By Laura B |

Uptown Almanac will be publishing an ongoing series called “MONDAY NIGHT MORE LIKE FUNDAY NIGHT” “MONDAY NIGHT MORE LIKE YOUR DOG IS FINE HOME ALONE FOR ONE NIGHT LEAVE THE FUCKING HOUSE PLEASE ALL YOUR ROOMMATES HATE YOU NIGHT” in which we explore different places that might be outside of your comfort zone but where you might also have hella fun. And by you, I mean me, because I always mean me when I say you. Also, I’ll focus on the amount of Weight Watchers Points that can be consumed and/or burned while there. You’re gonna love it, fatty. I’ll probably gank quite a few of the ideas from my yelp reviews because they’re taking those down hella fast and I need to save my memories, people. God knows my brain ain’t doing that for me. 

First up, MIGHTY!

Mighty is the perfect place to come the night before your Weight Watchers weigh in. Everyone else is out eating, boozing, sleeping. NOT ME. I’m over at Mighty burning through mad calories like it’s my JOB and bitch, I deserve a raise. You see, sometimes dancing isn’t for fun, it’s for work. Other fools are bobbing their heads, enjoying the music and I’m fucking doing squat kicks all up in their too-cool-for-Jazzercise business. And I don’t know much but I know this: You have not lived until you’ve done double time jumping jacks to drum and bass. I’m telling you, I’m DEAD tired come Friday night but a little voice inside of me says, “Push through the pain! You need this final workout before getting on that scale, Chubs McFat! NOW, DANCE! DANCE OR I’LL BREAK YOUR LEGS!!!”

So put on your sweat pants, grab your water bottle and head over to Mighty. And when you’re done there, find a heated indoor pool, cover your naked body in saran wrap and then do laps around the perimeter until you pass out. That saran wrap really gets the sweat going and water weight is still WEIGHT people. I say, GET IT OFF AND KEEP IT OFF. 

(thanks for the rad photo, LarimdaME!)

My 'Digital Day' at Dolores Park [VIDEO]

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

I was at Dolores Park yesterday morning and it was fun and all but, you know, it was a mudpit.  So I said to my friends “I wanna go home and listen to ‘Root Down’ ” and we hit the pavement.  Anyways, my sex life is such that I didn’t have anything better to do on a Sunday afternoon and my masculinity is… well, let’s just say that I still thought Brett Favre played for Green Bay.  So I squandered my day to watching videos of Dolores Park on YouTube.  Here’s the highlights:

This video was ridiculous.  Lucciano Pizzichini had just turned 8 years old and did an entire performance in the park with a tip jar and some business cards.  At 4:30, you can see how massive the crowd was.  Best of all, the movie starts off with a classic shot of a crazy-burner doing a awkward “only a white person could do this” dance.  Best of all, when this kid is famous, you can say “Oh yeah, I saw him on YouTube way back in 2010.  Hella badass.

There were several shots of this performance.  While this particular video was not quite as good, I sort of loved the fact there was a cool kid eye-raping an 8-year-old atop of a fixie.

This video isn’t necessarily that interesting, but I appreciated the fact that they called it “Dolore Park” and they published a picture of a girl taking an bong rip before driving.  Smooth.  I wonder what her mom’s vagina is called.

Live action role playing isn’t my thing but I’m generally a fan of unscripted violence so I’ll let it pass.

With the great iPhone backlash of 2010 and glorification of ‘dated technology’, this was the logical next step.

DOGS IN HD!

How to go sledding in Dolores Park.  What’s everyone doing tomorrow night?

local car dealership is actually a hotel/spa/cafe

— By El |

You guys I feel like here on Uptown Almanac we post a lot of “gritty” stuff like “dope graffiti” posts and “a car just blew up on Capp Street” posts. Worried that the interests of some demographics aren’t represented here, for example, “rich people who want at all moments to feel like they are at the W Hotel even when they are just at the car mechanic”. So, in rich people news, the BMW of San Francisco on Howard and South Van Ness is actually a “5 star hotel for cars”. It is also a “Spa for cars”. It is also a “hip wireless hotspot” where you can take your lappy and sip cappucino with other rich people while waiting for your car to get massaged and body scrubbed. Just in case you are worried that the establishment you are chilling in isn’t as cash-positive as you, you can relax knowing that they stock $1 million in BMW parts. Dunno about you, but I always feel better when I know that the cash value of “all the stuff around me” is at least $1 mill.

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