I was curious as to what PBR was doing with the $5,000 I've given to them over the years (give or take $5,000), so I took a look at their 'totally fresh' internet website.  Turns out PBR has been busy making an iPhone app telling you where you can 'get PBRed ASAP'.  If you ever thought that PBR was not marketed to you, dearest starry-eyed Missionista, time to get real: this app is straight-up reppin' that bodega known as Elixir.  My favorite feature has to the direct link to call your local bar to find out if they have PBR.

1) *grumble grumble* Hey this is Pop's, why the fuck are you calling us?

2) Hi, I'm looking for a place to drink Pabst Blue Ribbon, would you by chance have any in stock?

*Dead Air*

2) Hello?

1) Sorry, I was just loading the shotgun. 

I gave the app a run on my phone.  Turns out every bar in the fucking Mission has PBR.  Who knew!  But now I have a PBR icon in my phone dock (I decided a PBR locator was more important than that stupid 'telephone' app I had down their previously), which pretty much makes my iPhone the most unique iPhone ever.

In other news, PBR is now selling branded mittens.  You can thank me later.

Local Mission Eatery is opening in the next two weeks just a few doors down from Philz on 24th.  All dishes will arrive 1 day late and be a minimum of 1,000 words.  I kid.  The name sure is stupid but it does look well lit inside, meaning you can see just how ugg your date is.  I’m told they are going to source local organic food and do cooking classes in the back, indicating this place will be a hit with dull white people holding dSLR cameras.  AND LUNCH.  WE NEED MORE LUNCH PLACES.

I feel like if this place wants to ‘keep it real,’ they’ll let you order beer by the glass or bottle.  Shit will be like ordering a bottle of wine, only the most cracked-out waiter will come over with a white towel on the arm holding a 40.  The head of the table will inspect the Born On Date, swirl a taste around in the glass to get the fizzy Colt 45 taste we all crave, throw it back and start mumbling Ol’ Dirty Bastard lyrics about whores with herpes in their assholes.  DO IT.

(real news on Tablehopper)

Oh Craigslist:

I’m the guy with the iPad - m4w - 29 (mission district)

You might think I was crazy for spending several grand on a pre-production iPad from an ex-Apple employee. It is crazy. You might say it’s underpowered, crippled, overpriced, useless. I’m not going to argue that. I will tell you this: the iPad is getting me completely laid. All the time.

Just today, I was walking down Divisadero, and a lost looking girl stops me for directions. Let me check, I say, and I pull out the iPad, and next thing I know, we’re at the intersection of Dick & Face.

This was not an isolated incident.

The first occurrence was with this barista at the coffee shop I go to almost every morning. She’s never even said a complete sentence to me. But last Tuesday, while I’m waiting for my order, I take out the iPad to check my email, and silently curse it for being so big and inconvenient to carry around. Suddenly, she’s on my side of the counter, and 20 minutes later, we’re back at her apartment and her legs are spread so far apart that I think I can see home.

You have to understand, I’m not trying to brag. I’m not even sure I like the iPad.

Last Thursday, I was doing my laundry and brought the iPad along to entertain me. I was actually using it to watch “Triumph of Will” for my film class, and this is by no means a sexy or attractive film, but suddenly this girl with a sharp and efficient face, who a week ago would have been so far out of my league that it wouldn’t even be measured in leagues, this girl starts talking to me about the beauty of old movies, and I just nod and laugh nervously. The next morning I return to the laundromat for my clothes, and I’m holding my jeans up because she broke the button and the zipper.

Yesterday, I was walking around using the iPad to listen to music (because I cracked the screen on my iPhone, again) and lamenting how ridiculous this looked. There really is no way to carry it with dignity, and yet I witnessed no less than five car accidents. I don’t want to believe that I was the cause of these, but I’m starting to feel really uncomfortable with the iPad in public.

If you’ve seen me around with the iPad, I want you to know, before you approach me: I’m a really boring guy. I listen to podcasts about gaming, for shit’s sake. The last book I read was the Lord of the Rings movie novelization (because it was much shorter than the actual novels, and it had pictures from the film). I’m not very attractive, and sometimes I wear the same pants all week long. I eat food that falls on the floor. With a short description, I can give you the exact name of any episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation. I’m bad at both small talk and regular talk. I won’t call you because I hate talking on the phone.

Please remember this. I’m not worth it. I really need to get back to a normal life, and despite all its inconveniences, I’m almost starting to like the iPad. I really want to take it outside. But I can’t. I’m barely able to use it for more than two or three minutes at a time without interruption. I don’t want to relegate it to being something that I use strictly while sitting on the can.

Please understand.

Please.

Please.

Thank you.

(link - yes, I copied and pasted the entire.  FOR ARCHIVAL REASONS FUCK)

 I think we may have a new Mission Playboy on our hands!

I came across this dashing, (very) young gentleman taped up in the window of Sapphire Photo on Mission near 24th.

Some of the other studio portraits included families next to the Eiffel Tower, men in cowboy outfits in front of the Grand Canyon, and my personal favorite … babies photoshopped Anne Geddes-style into flowers. At something like $55 for these studio portraits, I think I know where at least some of my tax refund is going. 

So, should I be a baby sunflower or a baby lilac?