Humor

LOLbama?

— By Zach Perkins |

[Part One of a Series in which I recycle shit from my Tumblr, because 17 readers is better than 2]

LOLbama? (Laurel Heights, SF)

Is this pro? Anti?  Someone who was once pro and has since become anti?  To be honest, I’m not quite sure how to take this and I’m pretty sure that’s why I like it.  I suppose I could have just paid more attention to the copyright info at the bottom and found out what kind of organization produced the sticker.  LOL.

Simple like a list of highly-emasculating objects and activities

— By Jane Parton |

Am I a terrible person for laughing at this?

Hippest Girl in Town - 28 (mission district)

Dear girl I follow on Facebook, 

I sometimes see you on the street, but I can’t really remember how or if we know each other so I don’t say “Hi”. Once we passed each other on the sidewalk—at least I think that was you— and you smiled when I smiled, but we kept walking. I’d like to say “You’re gorgeous” in some way that wouldn’t creep you out. Maybe if I mentioned that I don’t think we’d actually get along. You seem to be pretty into your looks and lifestyle, and I’m.. well I’m simple. “Simple” like pancakes simple. Simple like bike rides to the ocean, iced tea, solid colors, Lynyrd Skynyrd, and good old fashioned guy meets girl cutesy romance. That’s okay; you’ve got style and I admire it. I’m honestly not a creeper. I’m on too many social networks to be shady. I just wonder if maybe next time I see you it might be alright to holler at you. I’m usually rolling around looking for people I know, and I wouldn’t mind you being one of them. 


Posthumously 

Biggest Bike Nerd in Town

 

(Read it all here.)

 

I’m not sure why, out of all the tragic missed connections of the day, I’ve decided to make fun of this one in particular. I think I just automatically hate people who call themselves nerds; thanks to sarcasm, honestly not-creepers have finally found a way to be arrogant and self-deprecating at the same time. It figures that usually the people who call themselves nerds are “nerding out” over a socially acceptable cool-kid subculture, like track bikes or Italo Disco. These days, when people claim nerd-hood, I just take it to mean that they spend a lot more of their time trying to be cool than you or I do.

 

On top of all that, dude’s calling the girl vain (“you seem pretty into your looks and lifestyle”) while simultaneously trying to sell her on him by comparing himself to … pancakes. I hate on the guy, but clearly we all agree with this line of logic about how being on lots of social networks makes a person less shady. I mean, whoever heard of predatory, creepy people on the internet? Now, that’s just crazy talk.

Conversation Between Truckers

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Julian comments.

This is a conversation between two truckers I overheard on Mission St. recently:
Trucker #1. “…so all of a sudden I’m driving down the fucking road, and the fucking trailer hitch breaks,
and the fucking trailer goes fucking flying!! I was like what the fuck!!!”
Trucker #2: “Fuuuuuuucccccccckkkkkk!!” 

(link)

 

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Feeling bored? Judgmental? Perhaps somewhat drunk?

— By Jane Parton |

Recently my friend and I were watching TV at her house and discovered an entire section of Comcast On Demand under the Local tab called Dating on Demand, where personal ads are posted in video form! At the time, we were (for some utterly absurd reason) not interested in what the Kardashians or the Real Housewives of Orange County were getting into, so we ended up watching like eight or nine of these video personals back to back.

As far as context goes, individuals just answer questions like “What do you look for in a man/woman?” or “What was your most erotic experience?” The videos appear to have been shot on the back patio of the Holy Cow, which gives a basic idea of the types of people who are in these. One extremely coked-out guy claims to be “San Francisco’s most popular bar mitzvah DJ.” Another man describes his dream woman as having “eyes like Marisa Tomei.”

Clearly these are worth giving up a half hour of your life, and those of us who don’t have cable can watch the same videos online! Just search under San Francisco in the Profiles tab. You might just find the sweaty B&T middle-manager of your dreams … if you aren’t too busy inventing drinking games that involve doing shots each time someone says “journey,” “connection” or that a mundane activity is “one of” their “passions.”

"I pull out the iPad, and next thing I know, we're at the intersection of Dick & Face."

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Oh Craigslist:

I’m the guy with the iPad - m4w - 29 (mission district)

You might think I was crazy for spending several grand on a pre-production iPad from an ex-Apple employee. It is crazy. You might say it’s underpowered, crippled, overpriced, useless. I’m not going to argue that. I will tell you this: the iPad is getting me completely laid. All the time.

Just today, I was walking down Divisadero, and a lost looking girl stops me for directions. Let me check, I say, and I pull out the iPad, and next thing I know, we’re at the intersection of Dick & Face.

This was not an isolated incident.

The first occurrence was with this barista at the coffee shop I go to almost every morning. She’s never even said a complete sentence to me. But last Tuesday, while I’m waiting for my order, I take out the iPad to check my email, and silently curse it for being so big and inconvenient to carry around. Suddenly, she’s on my side of the counter, and 20 minutes later, we’re back at her apartment and her legs are spread so far apart that I think I can see home.

You have to understand, I’m not trying to brag. I’m not even sure I like the iPad.

Last Thursday, I was doing my laundry and brought the iPad along to entertain me. I was actually using it to watch “Triumph of Will” for my film class, and this is by no means a sexy or attractive film, but suddenly this girl with a sharp and efficient face, who a week ago would have been so far out of my league that it wouldn’t even be measured in leagues, this girl starts talking to me about the beauty of old movies, and I just nod and laugh nervously. The next morning I return to the laundromat for my clothes, and I’m holding my jeans up because she broke the button and the zipper.

Yesterday, I was walking around using the iPad to listen to music (because I cracked the screen on my iPhone, again) and lamenting how ridiculous this looked. There really is no way to carry it with dignity, and yet I witnessed no less than five car accidents. I don’t want to believe that I was the cause of these, but I’m starting to feel really uncomfortable with the iPad in public.

If you’ve seen me around with the iPad, I want you to know, before you approach me: I’m a really boring guy. I listen to podcasts about gaming, for shit’s sake. The last book I read was the Lord of the Rings movie novelization (because it was much shorter than the actual novels, and it had pictures from the film). I’m not very attractive, and sometimes I wear the same pants all week long. I eat food that falls on the floor. With a short description, I can give you the exact name of any episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation. I’m bad at both small talk and regular talk. I won’t call you because I hate talking on the phone.

Please remember this. I’m not worth it. I really need to get back to a normal life, and despite all its inconveniences, I’m almost starting to like the iPad. I really want to take it outside. But I can’t. I’m barely able to use it for more than two or three minutes at a time without interruption. I don’t want to relegate it to being something that I use strictly while sitting on the can.

Please understand.

Please.

Please.

Thank you.

(link - yes, I copied and pasted the entire.  FOR ARCHIVAL REASONS FUCK)

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Pages