Humor

It's late in the day, but it's still Motherfuckin' Hater Tuesday!

— By Brizz |

Hater Tuesday is a blog that makes no pretenses. It is not trying to be your friend. It is not trying to support your scene. It is, without a doubt, an unstoppable force of hate and comedy that has been keeping it real since at least 2004, and apparently even a few years before that. Back when no one had even heard of Dolores Park. I don’t even think they’d built it yet. I bring it to your attention now because Funky Bitch has unleashed her hate on us this week and it’s fucking hilarious. I’m just disappointed my personal blog didn’t receive a link in the venom, as I’m guilty of much of the stuff she calls out in her latest entry:

The Mission: Listen, I like burritos* and cholos as much as the next gal but enough with the fucking Mission blogotumblrfashionogrampahers already. We are officially at capacity people.
1. Photos of handwritten signage:  You think you’re the first asshole to notice shitty grammar on a store front sign? Give an immigrant a break you fucking dick. No, it’s not worthy of a blog post.
8. Fashion: No more pictures of dirtheads in cut offs, flannel and dirty, err vintage shoes, please.

Past targets have included: Uppity Pregnant Women, Balloons with Words on Them, Fake Pigeon-Toed Hipster Hoes, and, of course, Pussy Triangles (“My pussy does not need a strapless eye patch”).

Silicon Valley brings us BIRDEMIC: It's like 'The Birds', but without the direction, writing or acting!

— By Laura B |

If you’re in LA on Feb 27, your ass better be there for the world premiere. How long before they start playing it at The Red Vic? Oh also, word ots is that you can download this on sites that rhyme(ish) with tehbiratepay.borg. Party at your house, yall! You’re buying!

I just gotta cut and paste all this shit from the site because it’s too good:

BIRDEMIC, described by Nguyen as a romantic thriller, is a horror/action/special-effects-driven love story about a young couple trapped in a small Northern California town under siege by homicidal birds. BIRDEMIC also tackles topical issues of global warming, avian flu, world peace, organic living, sexual promiscuity and lavatory access. 

Nguyen, a 42-year-old Vietnamese refugee, wrote, cast and shot the film over the course of four years using salary from his day job as a mid-level software salesman in Silicon Valley. The film pays homage to Hitchcocks THE BIRDS via location shooting in Mission Bay, California, as well as an appearance by star of THE BIRDS Tippi Hedren (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tippi_Hedren). When rejected for an official screening slot at Sundance, Nguyen spent eight days driving up and down the festivals nearby streets in a van covered with fake birds, frozen blood and BIRDEMIC posters, while loudspeakers blared the sounds of eagle attacks and human screams. The tactic caught the attention of festival organizers, filmgoers and local police, as well as executives from Severin Films. Severins executives walked into a screening, took one look at Nguyens masterwork, and immediately locked up BIRDEMICs worldwide rights for the next twenty years. Discussions are currently underway for Severin to add an additional thirty years to the initial agreement.  

"Bud Light making commercials written by people who eat crayons"

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Uptown Alamanc is all about ‘original content,’ but I was too busy watching the water-dish-cam and listening to Shake Your Rump to watch Super Bowl commercials and Drew Hoolhorst actually works in the advertising industry:

I don’t know who writes these. The funny thing is that they are probably very talented people. But I think they get to the Bud Light client, and realize that they could just suggest to them a guy farting and this would presumably be something that Bud Light would be interested in spending 3 million dollars on.

Client: We’re trying to sell bud light, a poor tasting beer, to the people who already drink it. Any thoughts?

Agency: How about a guy farting. Or like, a guy who calls his friends, but sounds like a rap song that was popular in 2008.

Client: …GO ON…

So out of all the things they could spend some cash on, Bud Light went with: guys talking to each other in T-Pain sounds, a guy who made a house out of bud light cans, people who watch meteors thinking they’re gonna die so they want to party (novel), and how funny it’d be if you drank at a book club but then came up with zero jokes about this and just had a bunch of douchey guys drinking bud light.

Was the creative brainstorm held at Jimmy’s totally rad 15th birthday party?

OH WAIT THERE’S MORE 

Drinks Are On Fresno

— By Kate Horton |

Big ups to Fresno, California! As if being the birthplace of the original Popozao, Kevin Federline, wasn’t enough, you can now add the illustrious title of “Drunkest City In America” to your list of stunning achievements!

San Francisco, on the other hand? You placed a pathetic 86th. This is me twirling my cocktail, exhaling slowly, and shaking my head at you with disgust.

If we just apply ourselves people, I know we can do better next year! Fresno should never be allowed to be number one at anything except for producing popstar marrying backup dancers, soul-sucking mediocrity, and meth heads. Oh and probably crops or some bullshit like that. 

 

these three are crazy wasted.

 

(Full list of shitfaced and not so shitfaced cities here)

 

More Racism in the Most "Progressive" City in America, Amici's Pizza Edition

— By Megan Allison |

This blog enjoys the irony of entrenched discriminatory conventions in our self-proclaimed bastion of progressivism (hypocrite city!)  

Sharon at Vegansaurus brings us this gem.  check out Amici’s Pizza’s “racist map of delivery intolerance.” 

I mean DANG.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

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