Being Cool

The Financial District means business.

— By Bailey Genine |

 

Dear Guy in Starbucks,

I applaud you. No. That’s not enough. I’ll give you a standing ovation. No. I will start the Wave at a football game for you.

Here you are in your new home office/local Starbucks. You tested the limits of technology. The outlet is on the ceiling, what’d you say? “Fuck that, gravity is on my side.” Sir, you don’t even think twice about not owning a cell phone. I mean, why would you?  You have your house phone that can easily travel with you. You also (sadly, so, so, sadly, not pictured) came prepared with your tighter-than-skin-tight Under Armour shirt and sweatpants pulled up to your chest. Your whole Saturday evening was just a treat to yourself which turned out to be a treat to myself, as well. Thank you, sir. Thank you for this moment that I will cherish for about another week and then forget all about. I hope your business does well in 2010, and if I ever hear a dial tone again, I’ll think of you.

Love,

Your not so secret admirer because my name is right up there at the top of this post. Hi.

The Many Magical Wonders of our Libraries or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Books

— By Laura B |

This is a PSA for you all you folks who can read! Can I get a what what for all the literate people in the house!

It’s come to my attention that many people don’t know how to use the San Francisco Public Library system to its full advantage and this is a g-d shame. Our libraries are pretty much the only bureaucracy in SF that’s well run, efficient, and easy to use. This is probably because it’s headed by a bunch of nerds. Holler back, librarians! Now take off those glasses, let your hair down, and let’s get freaky!!

What you need to know. 

1) You gotta get a card. Just go into any library and all you have to do is fill out a short form and provide proof that you live in the city (list of acceptable forms of ID) and you’ve got a card. If you want, you can print and fill out the form before you go. For your card, you can choose from lots of designs, including a biodegradable card made from corn! That is a true fact! San Francisco, I LOVE YOU, however I plan on having this fucker forever so you might has well make it out of that shit they make the airplane black boxes with.

2) DUDE YOU CAN TOTALLY CHECK OUT BOOKS ONLINE. It’s super fresh. All you have to do is go to their user friendly website and make an account using the number on your library card. Then, you set your how branch. Easy. Next, you search for books. They pretty much have every book ever and if they don’t, you can request it. Now, here’s where the magic happens. Say I want to read, “Columbine” (btw- if you’re into true crime, this is holy grail type material. SO GOOD.). You find it at several branches but you want it at your branch, you ain’t trying to travel around the world and shit. You just click on “request” and it adds it to your list. When it’s ready to be picked up, the library FREAKING SENDS YOU AN EMAIL (set this option in your preferences!). You just go in and near the front of every library is a request pick up area. BAM, you’re done. If you’re the super laziest, you can even requests books that are already at your branch and they’ll fucking bring them downstairs for you so you don’t have to take the five minutes to do it yourself. Also, you’re a horrible person. Also, you are me. Oh and wait, it’s better. Say you’ve had your books for awhile (lazy! or busy! whatever!) and they’re due back but you don’t want to bring them back yet, you can extend your time online! Yes! No more late fees! Or, less late fees because let’s face it, there are always gonna be late fees, lazy! Or busy! Whatever!

3) Your library has computers, free wifi, printers, and attractive patrons. It also has homeless people and a few folks with a mean case of the silent but deadlies. It evens out in your favor. 

4) FREE MOVIES!!! Excellent selection, especially in the classics department which is really nice because it is a BITCH to illegally download some of those suckers. If you’re going through an Errol Flynn phase, get yourself a library card. It took me about two years to download Too Much, Too Soon: The Daring Story of Diana Barrymore. I coulda had that from the library in ten minutes! Stupid Laura! Illegal downloading KILLS! Lesson learned! Also, tons of tv shows like Arrested Development and Big Love. <3

I love the library very much. It makes me believe that there is still hope in this shitbox of a world where our cities are crumbling into the ocean and everyone is filled with hate of such proportions that it makes Apep look like Little Red Riding Hood. See what I just did there? I learned that FROM READING.

Foursquare Attempts to "Get It", Fails

— By Megan Allison |

The Independent is a movie theater like I am a newspaper box.  

Also, I am the mayor of Storyville. Get your own fucking popcorn, and while you’re at it, ditch Get Satisfaction if you ever want any constructive feedback from your users. What a pain in the ass that is. 

Heavy Metal Aerobics? Hooker, Please.

— By Laura B |

Broke Ass Stuart has word about some ridiculous thing called heavy metal aerobics. I have news for Broke Ass Stuart, HEAVY METAL AEROBICS ALREADY EXISTS AND IT’S CALLED (jazz hands!) JAZZERCISE! (jazz hands!) and folks, it is the bomb.

JAZZERCISE! takes place in Noe Valley, where I used to live (SO SUE ME). I found out about it because I’d walk by on my way home from the El Farolito. You see, the hill from Church to Dolores is least steep at 22nd so even though I lived at 24th and Church, I would actually go two whole flat blocks out of my way to endure a less dramatic hill. I am your new hero.

Anyway, one day as I am walking home, I noticed the sweet sounds of a 92.7 KGAY (RIP) dance party coming from the elementary school at 22nd and Chattanooga. I decided to investigate and what I walked into was something I’ll never forget. A large group of sassy gay dudes, super fit 80 year-old ladies (you know the kind… from behind you’re like “oooh…hot 20-year-old” and then they turn around and you’re all “I’M NOT READY TO DIE!”), and an odd assortment of misfits doing their funky thing to the sweet sounds of Destiny’s Child. It was JAZZERCISE! and I had found My People.

I decided to join because HELLO IT’S MOTHERFUCKING JAZZERCISE! and it’s the best decision I’ve ever made. Pretty soon I was OBSESSED. I grapevined to the copy machine, I sashay into staff meetings, I SINGLE SINGLE DOUBLED TO THE WATER COOLER. Jazzercise might have to file a restraining order against me because I love it so much, I might kill it. For all of you who think that JAZZERCISE! is for 300 pound grandmas and quadriplegics, you are wrong. I challenge you to attend one JAZZERCISE! class and live to tell tale. If the class doesn’t kill you, I will. I hate to be made a liar. 

Classes are $12 but they offer all sorts of deals, like $44/month unlimited if you sign up for automatic deduction from your bank account and I do that because I never have any clue what’s happening with my bank account. You could basically steal my identity and become me and I might find out by accident in like ten years when I run into you and you’re me. 

Needless to say, I will be jazzercising my ass into a size 00. 78 pounds or BUST! I’ll know I have succeeded when you have to hook me up to an IV to feed me life sustaining liquid I’LL RIP IT OUT, I WILL. 

From Cobain to Biggie

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Remember when I called Debaser “a less fun version of emo night at Pop’s” and the internet exploded?  Well, apparently I owe them an apology because they are ‘branching out’.  Seriously, nothing sounds more fun than hitting the floor when “Shake That Monkey” blasts so I can start fucking some skinny white chick between three layers of clothing (I’m assuming she’s commando under those apple bottom jeans ‘cuz that’s how all the ‘nasty bitchaz’ do).  Plus, I can totally take that free pot I’ll score when I crush the sick kicks contest and “faze ya’ll.”

I Hope You Choke to Death on Bacon-Wrapped Cupcakes While Wearing This

— By Brizz |

 

The Giants announce their 2010 promotional giveaways tomorrow, and leaked out today on Facebook that one of them is the Giants-themed Snuggie pictured above. The only things I’m more sick of hearing about than Snuggies is bacon and cupcakes. (Yes, I will go to this giveaway and yes I will wear this, but I will hate myself.)  In semi-related news, one of my friends who is a high school teacher posted this as his status on Facebook today: “Teenagers Discover THE HANGOVER, Quote It Every Single Day, and Drive Teacher Insane.” Also, just to preempt you: bathroom graffiti.

Monday Night? More Like LEAVE YOUR G-D HOUSE AND MAYBE YOU WON'T DIE ALONE NIGHT! A series.

— By Laura B |

Uptown Almanac will be publishing an ongoing series called “MONDAY NIGHT MORE LIKE FUNDAY NIGHT” “MONDAY NIGHT MORE LIKE YOUR DOG IS FINE HOME ALONE FOR ONE NIGHT LEAVE THE FUCKING HOUSE PLEASE ALL YOUR ROOMMATES HATE YOU NIGHT” in which we explore different places that might be outside of your comfort zone but where you might also have hella fun. And by you, I mean me, because I always mean me when I say you. Also, I’ll focus on the amount of Weight Watchers Points that can be consumed and/or burned while there. You’re gonna love it, fatty. I’ll probably gank quite a few of the ideas from my yelp reviews because they’re taking those down hella fast and I need to save my memories, people. God knows my brain ain’t doing that for me. 

First up, MIGHTY!

Mighty is the perfect place to come the night before your Weight Watchers weigh in. Everyone else is out eating, boozing, sleeping. NOT ME. I’m over at Mighty burning through mad calories like it’s my JOB and bitch, I deserve a raise. You see, sometimes dancing isn’t for fun, it’s for work. Other fools are bobbing their heads, enjoying the music and I’m fucking doing squat kicks all up in their too-cool-for-Jazzercise business. And I don’t know much but I know this: You have not lived until you’ve done double time jumping jacks to drum and bass. I’m telling you, I’m DEAD tired come Friday night but a little voice inside of me says, “Push through the pain! You need this final workout before getting on that scale, Chubs McFat! NOW, DANCE! DANCE OR I’LL BREAK YOUR LEGS!!!”

So put on your sweat pants, grab your water bottle and head over to Mighty. And when you’re done there, find a heated indoor pool, cover your naked body in saran wrap and then do laps around the perimeter until you pass out. That saran wrap really gets the sweat going and water weight is still WEIGHT people. I say, GET IT OFF AND KEEP IT OFF. 

(thanks for the rad photo, LarimdaME!)

Burrito Justice, Streetsblog SF & Bay Area Bites Make Twitter's New Suggested User List! We Totally Want to Bone Them Now!

— By Laura B |

That’s @burritojustice, @streetsblogSF, and @bayareabites to you! They’re on Twitter’s totally revamped suggested users list under “staff picks”. Actually, most of the staff picks are SF blogs and companies which makes sense. Some gaylord named Josh lets us know that it’s all about, “the power of suggestion.” Have you noticed that a lot of these tech companies do that thing where they talk to you like you’re a retarded five-year-old? I think Apple did it first? Like, “Hey guys! My name is Josh and I’m gonna walk you through this!” It’s like, Josh. Let’s be real. Just tell me that you’ve found a new way to pimp your friends to folks in middle America who are just learning about Twitter. I mean, is there a reason that the same people* appear on like 5 lists? If Twitter really wanted to help us, “discover the best content and get the most of Twitter,” like they claim, wouldn’t there be a broader scope of people to follow? Sockington THE CAT is on like 19 lists. That’s all I’m saying. 

*And by people, I MEAN CATS. 

 

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