Bender's
That's right, at some point in the last few weeks, Bender's scored themselves a Dirty Harry pinball machine, so now you can partake in all your favorite San Francisco activities like getting into 'car chases' and 'raiding warehouses' and 'shooting serial killers in the fucking chest'. All while drinking PB&J's!
And should you not be excited enough to run over to the bar with a messenger bag full of quarters, watch the 80s-tastic promotional video they made for this machine. The first minute or so is so goddamn ridiculous, you'll swear you're watching some bizarre fetish porno in which some giant hairdo gets bent over the machine and fucked by a police horse wearing Ray-Bans.
I'm sure you've been sick of hearing about Tony Bourdain's jaunt through SF since it happened back in August. And don't worry--we're getting to that point too. But the guy has a mouth like a sailor, and he pretty much spent his entire time in SF getting housed, so we couldn't help but give his SF episode of "The Layout" a watch last night.
All those places we heard about Bourdain visiting--Toronado, Dolores Park, Rice Paper Scissors, Zeitgeist etc.--made the show, but beloved neighborhood hole Bender's made an unexpected cameo. This is what he had to say about it:
I could have gone to Bender's for late drinks, but they have live rock n' roll there and this show is so cheap-ass that we couldn't afford to pay the music rights.
Instead, he rolled to Chinatown's Li Po Lounge, where he shoved one of those blackout-inducing mai tai's down his throat.
And, of course, the "live rock n' roll" comment is a lie, as Bender's doesn't have live music on Tuesdays (when they filmed). But no matter; it sounds like the jukebox has gone and saved the bar from hordes of Travel Channel watchers.
Previously on Uptown Almanac
While I recognize this blog isn't Craigslist, I feel somewhat responsible for this bike's disappearance from outside of Bender's last night by way of dumping trays of whiskey shots in front of my friends until awful hours in the morning. So, dearest Uptown Almanac readers, should you find Alissa's black Pake bicycle, we'll reward you by taking you to Bender's and showering you with trays full of whiskey shots.
It's pretty much the only bike in San Francisco I've ever seen with a multicolored chain, so if you see anyone riding a black bike with said chain, you have the green light to tackle them off the bike and liberate it from the clutches of bike thievery.
Bender's doesn't anything else going for it--certainly not more favorable coverage from area blogs such as this. But as an admitted ice cream snob who intends to live out his golden years with an ugly concoction of diabetes and liver disease, news that Bender's is now turning out sundae's in tater tot trays for five bucks is impossible to pass up. And just look at that thing: delicious ice cream that comes from a 5 gallon tub, melty in all the right places, and oozing with chocolate syrup. Plus, for those of you who aspire to die of heart failure, they'll cover it in bacon bits at no extra cost.
No word as to how long you'll be able to score this, but it looked like there was a mess of ice cream in the fridge.
Previously on Uptown Almanac
It's been 1 year, 7 months, and 29 days since Bender's took their famed deep fried seitan off their menu. We mourned its loss, went to Weird Fish for a seitan fixed, we even cooked up a batch at home, but none of that was ever the same as putting back 12 bucks worth of wheat gluten on a table made out of fake driver's licenses while being surrounded by the signage of deceased San Francisco businesses. Dark times.
Well, worry no more because Bender's is getting the band back together. It's got a new name, and there's even a BBQ spin-off, but it's still the same seitan we've all come to know and love covered in Frank's RedHot.
And as if Bender's needed anything else to get me in the door, they just got a new pinball machine and recently started selling 16s of King Cobra--The Binge Drinker's Malt Liquor--for three bucks.
Bender's Whiskey Wednesdays have been getting so popular as of late that they've actually had to post the formula for Thursday morning hangovers around the bar. Well, now you know.
From what I am told, you have to join some gang of female bicyclist to get your hands on this fashionable top. Might I suggest these women get put aside their genitalia bias and form the Gender Bender's Bicycle Team?
Bender's has a lovely show going on right now of Sew High's photographs of Barbie dolls GETTING FUCKED. Dildos, leather, anal penetration... it's basically the Kink Castle done up as a dollhouse for children with irresponsible parents. Oh, and you can purchase each photograph for just 75 bones.
Wendy MacNaughton over at The Rumpus has put together a solid pictorial of mission bars from the eyes of bartenders. While the whole thing is worth checking out, one of the best parts was the segment dealing with regulars never staying at one bar. I've done that fourth dance a few times myself, only sub Delirium for another bar that isn't a perpetual nightmare.
[The Rumpus, h/t Mission Mission]
I realize I'm a fan of Bender's and therefore bias, but their new Mac & Grilled Cheese sandwich is pretty insane. I mean, all it is potatoes, carbs, cheese, and lots of gas. Plus, it's got tatter-tots right in the middle. What's not to love?
(Sorry, Grub)
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