Muni, BART & Getting the Fuck Around

Is This Your Car? It's Parked in Casa Guadalupe's Front Door

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

OMG The Mish! was on the scene to witness some primo car-meeting-fruit-stand action:

At around 10:00pm [last night] a trio of youngsters were spotted joyriding around the mission in a stolen car.  They tried to do donuts at 26th and Mission but ended up crashing right into Casa Guadalupe #3 where they only sell day old “pan”.  After the accident, the culprits ran into Lilac Alley and changed clothes.

OMGTM goes on to ponder “what is this world coming to when car thieves pack a change of clothes?”  Really, the question is “what is the world coming to when a trio of youngster can't figure out how to pull off some donuts?”

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

New Taxi Bumper Stickers Promoting the Right to Block Bike Lanes Adds Insult to Impending Injury

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

“If you can read this, I'm blocking the bike line and fuck you.”

When taxis aren't busy charging people $15 to go eight blocks and never picking you up when you want them, they're doing their best to kill every cyclist in town.  Thanks to SFMTA's four-month-old decree legalizing the obnoxious practice, cabs are now blessed with the God-given right to park their vehicles in the bike lane, forcing bikers into the middle of traffic and to scream out no-no words at two ton boxes of metal on the way to work.  And to make matters worse? SFMTA and Yellow Cab are slapping bumper stickers on cabs, reminding us all that “this vehicle authorized to enter the bike lane” and no one gives a fuck about rudimentary English anymore.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Locanda's New "Do Not Block the Bike Lane" Signage Prominently Ignored

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Locanda has been racking up bunch of 1 star Yelp reviews thanks to their “insane plan” of having valets block one of SF's most trafficked bike lines, so they dealt with the controversy in the most sensible way possible: posting a typographically-pleasing sign pleading for fancy motorists to “circle the block” and not block the lane.  And, as we can clearly see, baller Honda drivers are straight-up disregarding the signage.

Of course, all this wouldn't bother me if SFPD wasn't cracking down on cyclists disregarding traffic laws while letting this shit slide.  Can we, like, get a little reciprocity?

[Photo by Tastr, who's been covering the Locanda drama from the get-go]

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

The Mission Gets a New Heliport

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Okay, not really; but Google Maps seems to think the neighborhood has one down some sketch alley off of 25th.

(To Google's credit, there actually appears to be a “China Basin Heliport” somewhere in SF (airport code JCC), but it's most definitely not sandwiched between Capp and Cypress.)

(But seriously, how rad would it be to chopper in like Rambo for a round of bloodies at Phone Booth?)

[h/t @cowperthwait]

Police Sketch Artists Release Graphic Mug Shot of Muni's Most Wanted

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

In light of the continued controversy surrounding the egregious crimes that occurred on Muni this past New Year's Eve, SFPD has released this sketch of the suspect's bottom region.  Authorities state that she is believed to be intoxicated and dangerous, and should be threatened with rape and murder should you encounter her.

Police ask that if you recognize this urine stream, please call SFPD immediately.

[Drawing by The Fog Bender]

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

How to Pee on Muni

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

It's easy, really.  For girls, just hang your ass out the window and dribble down the side of a “We Bought a Zoo” banner.  For guys, whip out your syphilitic dick as you are already accustomed to doing on the bus, somehow manage to seek out the corner that will maximize the quantity of people that have to smell it, and just pee there.

[This feat was accomplished by Kelly Kate]

No Saving Seats With Gnarly Appendages

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Local humorist Doug Chagnon breaks down this awful scene:

I considered asking him to move his feet and grab the seat next to him but was afraid I would get Athlete’s Ass.

In all fairness, my living room looks just like a MUNI car.

His most egregious offense? The plastic bag.

Ladies and gentleman, the 99%.

At least he is wearing pants.

Read on for additional insight and analysis.

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