Drugs

"Hey, Did Someone Order a Dozen Boxes of Whip-Its?"

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

A few weeks back, I heard rumors that someone was passing out “late-night whip-it delivery service business cards” in Dolores Park.  And here's the proof, curiosity of Boing Boing:

So why punk your friends by ordering a dozen pizzas when you can order a dozen boxes of whip-its?  At worst, they're stuck with a dozen boxes of whip-its.  At best, it turns into a sex fantasy.

[Oh, and be sure to check them out on Facebook, for extra laughs.]

Shirtless Crazyperson Yelling Atop Buddhist Temple's Front Gate Shuts Down 17th

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Erika tells us that 17th from Mission to Valencia is completely shut down because a nutter is making a scene and “yelling uncontrollably.”  Not only that, but there's four cop cars, an ambulance, a firetruck, and an army of gawkers helping make this a bona fide spectacle:

This, people, is why you should never read spiritual texts without a sober chaperon.

The Truffle Guy Has the Strangest Stalkers

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Just read this lovely Missed Connection to Dolores Park's Truffle Guy (emphasis added):

I think ur name is “DEVIN” and ur black.

U were selling homade truffles out of homade round metal boxes u hammered yourself with homade minitents to keep the sun off them so they don't get all melty for ur customers! Ur so cute cuz I think about u sitting at ur kitchen table making those minitents at night when ur not in the park and u have candles all around u or I think about u in ur garage making boxes drinkin a beer with a hammer. U were the one w/ shorts looked like maybe from france def bluish and a pink and white stripe half shirt and a brown leather bracelet with little beads on it u probably made it to huh!?? and u had brown dressy shoes with really strong legs. U also had a weird but cool hat on that looked like a city in another country is that where ur from?! It also looked like minitents. U said u dint make it but I bet u really did :). U were a gentlemen to me and my friend, cute nice eyes NICE BIG SMILE. U smell good too :).

I was the one who followed u around the hole park and helped u serve truffles to customers all day saturday. U told me not 2, but I actually wasnt being nice I wanted to be close to u for more time u smell goodddd! Then I gave u my # and address in san mateo. I was chilling up on that hill with my girl Sandy. I was the one named Dawna like I told u before.

Well I see ur not there again this Saturday cuz I was in my car by up on that hill and ur not there or I just couldnt see u :(. Im at the library writing this. I know classy. Neways, Im staying in the city in my car 2nite so hit me up if u want me 2 come over instead ;). Hit me up if u forgot my number or name or just wanna hook up. I will do it 4u :).

Dawna

Well, I'll make sure to be in the park Saturday to watch this crazyperson get maced.

[h/t SFist | Photo by Jennifer Lightfoot]

Rare Opportunity To Participate in Hilarious Local TV Trainwreck!

— By Alissa |

Uptown readers, are you familiar with the KOFY show Dance Party? I don’t know if you all spend as much time watching local television broadcasting as I do, but this show is absolutely one of the most mindboggling trainwrecks on TV (and I’m including Real Housewives from ALL cities). See, it’s like an 80's version of MTV’s The Grind, except everyone on it seems to be morbidly obese, incredibly unattractive, or on MDMA of some type. Delusions of grandeur are rampant throughout Dance Party. 

Give it about 25 seconds:

I watched an episode the other night with a 200+ lb woman dressed as a Rubix cube, but unfortunately couldn’t find that clip. You get the idea though. The best part about it is that you really can’t tell if it was filmed recently or 20-25 years ago, which I’m sure was deliberate on the part of whatever crackpot genius dreamt this shit up.

ANYWAY, this show is indeed current and they’re filming season 3 this Saturday. They’re doing three tapings: 11:45 am, 2:00 pm, and 3:45 pm. The noon taping might be a little too early to roll out to Bayview get enough substances in your system to participate to your full abilities. Maybe wait until the 3:45 one since it is not only 80’s themed, but will apparently be an 80’s Pajama Party. Does anyone even know what 80’s pajamas are?  

More info on the Facebook page

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Bird About Town

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Okay, I'm just going to come out and say that this tumblr fucking rules. Why?  Because some person just carries a bird (named “Patricia Dolores”) around San Francisco, takes photos, and buys weed.  Yes, really.

Not only does it reaffirm that the Mission is evolving into a neighborhood of pirates, but its subject matter is priceless.  Just look at some of the San Francisco celebrities that have posed with this avian adventurer:

Former mayoral candidate and city supervisor Bevan Dufty.

Frank Chu

The most prolific businessman in the Mission.

But, obviously, your bird needs to see more than just people.  Why not drag your winged pet to…

… a Giants game…

… or perhaps a kinda gross protest with a kinda cool cause?

And sometimes, a bird just needs to chill with the regular people:

An imposter Snacks the Cat Girl.

Human tree branch.

There's 17 pages of the bird hanging out with drug dealers, in coffee shops, on homeless people, and taking bike rides.  Give it a look.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Who Pays $1200 To See Kreayshawn on New Year's Eve?

— By Alissa |

Teenagers. Teenagers pay the big bucks to see their idol peer Kreayshawn imitate someone who can rap on New Years Eve. Saturday night's show at the Regency was all ages and from the looks of it, was a complete fucking disaster.

Pacifiers are for safety!

An informant has confirmed that this show was indeed a hot mess, complete with 14 year old girls puking up mommy's home cooking, pissing in the sink and puking in trash cans while their chaperones looked on indifferently. Another adult attendee said he was legitimately worried about slipping and falling due to the amount of bodily substances on the floor. Of course when you're that age and out for an unsupervised new years eve, you and your bff girlfriends can't help but have like THE ABSOLUTE TOTALLY BEST NIGHT EVER!!!!

One Tumblr diarist gave an especially glowing review:

BEST. NIGHT. OF. MY. LIFE. I cannot thank Kreayshawn enough for everything she has done for me and all of her other fans. She is truly such an amazing person. Actually meeting her and getting the opportunity to talk to her was incredible! She is so down to earth and genuine. Please don’t ever tell me she isn’t a good person. She is so great to her fans! … Seeing all of the people out in the crowd there for her and V-Nasty was insane! I’m so proud of the two of them and how far they have come. It’s only the beginning. 2012 is their year! WHITE GIRL MOB IS TAKING OVER!

Looks like the miscreant zygotes of the Bay Area had the best New Years Eve ever. Here's hoping they all made it back to Walnut Creek safe, sound, and before curfew.

And finally for your listening pleasure/to make your brains melt and seep out of your ears, please enjoy this mashup of 'Gucci Gucci' and Lou Bega's 'Mambo #5!”

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

So What Do Whales Shoot Out of Their Blowholes Anyway?

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Cocaine? What, what? Blowhole you say? Huh? Oh, BLOWhole. yuk yuk yuk

Anyway, coke fiends, next time you find yourself needing a bump but don't have any money, just dive into the Pacific and wrestle a giant beluga until a geyser of energy and septum damage comes gushing out the top of its head.

Pages