I realize the N Judah is quite possibly the most infuriating, crowded, slow, and self-medication demanding form of public transportation in the world, but there is absolutely no excuse for not knowing how to hold an iPhone while shooting video.

To assist us in this simple “How to hold and iPhone while recording video” tutorial, I've enlisted our 4 o'clock hour college dorm-room buddy, SpongeBob:

In the first photo, SpongeBob is hanging out in Dolores Park amongst the endless fields of flowers and skies of butterflies we've come to enjoy on a daily basis.  Unfortunately, SpongeBob has downed a 40 of Olde English and smoked half a bag of grass, so he is shooting video vertically.  SpongeBob should be shot.

In the second photo, SpongeBob is 'shredding mad trail' on his mountain bike.  Of course, he's riding no handed so he can record some sick youtubes of his adventure.  SpongeBob should win an Oscar.

Folks, crackheads will always be crackheads, but we San Franciscans can come together to teach people how to properly hold their iPhones.

Last night we had a party honoring an entire year of mediocre internet.  Therefore, I took some blurry photos to help me remember the occasion.

DJ Spinnerty was there.

Some chalk artist was there.

Some people interested in touching a woman's anus were there.

Sweet Tooth was there.

Some dude quadruple-fisting PBR was there.

Crazy Hate was there.

Some blurry girls were there.

Some guy in overalls playing with a shakeweight was there.

Christmas Trees were at the afterparty.

All in all, a pretty okay time.  Thanks to everyone who made it out and contributed to the trouble.  Also, big ups to PBR for hooking up the beer specials and props to Bender's for letting us urinate on their floor and vandalize their bathroom.

Up until today, I cannot say I ever really though anything of windows full of collectibles.  For example, I've always figured that maintaining “The Owl Window” on 18th and Dolores was merely a hobby of a creative individual.  However, SF Secrets takes us inside the apartment of George Heymont, also know as Mr. Owl Man of Dolores Park.  What's inside?  Walls of owls (of course), lots of photos of cocks, a poster from the “First Annual Hooker's Convention,” and some crazy stories surround sex, drugs, the eyes of owls, and people running naked across Dolores Street in fear.  While the tale doesn't end there, I don't want to spoil too much of the fun for you.

So, what's the person behind Valencia & 18th's “Troll Window” like?  Does their story involve prostitution, fetish porn, and maybe an unusual obsession with nocturnal creatures?  Also, is there some supernatural force on 18th that drives people to make art windows?

We all have so much to learn.

(SF Secrets)

This year's Santacon marked the first year I ventured to Oakland for the 10am pre-party.  If you've ever wanted to know what Santacon's early risers look like, Candy Raver Santa pretty much sums it up.  Rather than the typical parade of frat boys, Oakland was full of something much more loathed by civil society: Burners.  Half of the people there had dots of glitter glued to their heads.  Most were in costumes far more creative than the ordinary Santa suit.  Some had Burning Man tattoos.  Most smelled like they had been getting sauced since sunrise.

One woman in the crowd had a red Radio Flyer wagon that was full of boxes of sugar cookies, liquor, speakers bumping techno, and a stuffed animal snowman with a long plastic tube sticking out of its head.  The tube struck me as suspicious, but only cops ask questions, so went to procure something that would make me forget that I was in Oakland.  As I emerged from the bar, a woman was screwing a nitrous canister into the back of the snowman's head.  I attempted to dump an Irish Coffee down my esophagus out of desperation, but the landscape was dominated by a crowd of people knocking back whip-its.

Say what you will about Burners, but they had already won at Santacon before most of you even got out of bed.