For the Children

San Francisco Declares Victory Against Dark Forces of Four Loko

Just in time for you to have forgotten that Four Loko still existed, especially since any memories of drinking it are probably pretty hazy, San Francisco City Attorney Dennis Herrera has made a settlement announcement with the manufacturer following his 2010 campaign to ban the drink. Chicago-based Phusion Products has agreed to stop marketing its fruit-flavored, formerly caffeinated and extra-strength malt liquor alcopops known as Four Loko to minors:

One innovative clause in the agreement obliges Phusion to monitor its social media pages to crack down on and delete posts showing irresponsible behavior. Prior entries from users on Four Loko social media sites include “My baby boy is a result of my drunken Four binge of wonder,” and, in response to the question “What Loko Starts the Perfect Saturday Night?” the answer “The one in the 17 year olds hands [sic].”

Phusion also agrees to stop “promoting the drinks on college campuses, avoiding depictions of underage drinkers in their advertising, and ending marketing practices that promote rapid or excessive consumption of alcoholic beverages.” The company will also abstain from “depicting Santa Claus in its advertisements, depicting anyone driving a motor vehicle while drinking alcohol, and depicting the consumption of their products by persons exhibiting clear signs of intoxication.”

So whichever ad agency creatives already mocked up a campaign for the Vice holiday guide with an animated takeover of Santa slamming a can of Four Loko while stumbling out of his sleigh to deliver cases to children really has their work cut out for them.

[Photo: Dana]

Internet Drug Lord Behind Silk Road Arrested in SF

Silk Road, the anonymous online drug market responsible for trafficking $1.2b in narcotics and $80 million in commission since it launched in early 2011, was shut down by the FBI today after it's 29-year-old owner, Ross Ulbricht (aka “Dread Pirate Roberts”), was taken into custody in his 15th Street apartment at the Glen Park Library.

The complaint, uncovered by journalist Brian Krebs, details the sites beginnings in a Hickory Street apartment and nearby Hayes Valley coffee shop, to its inevitable take down yesterday.  Accordingly, the government subpoenaed Google and Comcast to track his IP address, used his Google Plus and LinkedIn accounts to connect him to his pseudonym, and ultimately grabbed him through a forum post on an programming support site.  It even accuses Ulbricht of ordering the killing of users who blackmailed him:

You can read the entire complaint below, with the good stuff beginning on page 24:

[via The Verge]

Procrastinating Potheads Get Swept Up Into SF's Line-Standing Craze

San Francisco has long been famous for its masochistic lines for brunch and men's haircuts, which see throngs of well-to-doers thumb tirelessly at their iPhones to pass the time, beta testing the very apps they are paid to develop.  However, ahead of Saturday's activist Hallmark holiday, a line for the more populist activity of buying danke herb could be found outside of Apothecarium on Market and Church. (We have no doubt that the city was cured of its collective back pain this weekend.)

Sadly, without iPhones and weed itself to make the dulling process of standing in line more tolerable, these folks were forced to slouch about with arm-crossing sobriety.  Truly, this elevates these patient partiers to the very top of the line-waiting meritocracy.


Phone Booth Bans Only Remaining Reason to Go to Phone Booth

Well, that’s it.  An end of an era.  The neighborhood’s last tolerable bar that empowered us to puff our way through intoxication has banned the very act.

We’re sure this news isn’t a big deal to many of you, our health-conscious readers of pristine lung capacity.  But we welcomed the bar’s casual “fuck you” to the law.  Besides, where else could we make-out with girls we have an increased chance of outliving?

Now what’s left of the place?  Pool, cheap drinks, a great jukebox, and that east coast dive feel ever so lacking in SF?  Balderdash.  Cigarettes were the blackened glue that held the joint together.  And now?  Nothing.

[Photo by Ledjee L.]

Ty Segall's New Video Reminds Me Why I'm Repulsed By the Human Body

The naked human body: what an awful sight.  It's one that ought to be illegal.  And thanks to Ty Segall's new video for “Thank God For The Sinners,” I'm once again reminded that we're all just a pair of fangs and a million eyeballs away from being spiders.  Yuck-eee.

But, in all seriousness, this incredibly unsettling 3 minute psilocybin mushroom trip is the perfect way to kick-off The Day After.  I'm just disappointed that this army of hands didn't devolve into a synchronized “Here's The Church, Here's The Steeple” dance routine.

[via The Bay Bridged]

Christmas Comes Early This Year: Free Magic Mushrooms in Magical Park

Stumped on a stocking stuffer for the Hallucinogenic Harriet in your life? Look no further then our very own Golden Gate Park, where you can scoop up Psilocybe allenii specimens for free and the cops can't do shit (except arrest you for possession).

More details from the SFBG:
“If you go to Golden Gate Park in December you will see hundreds of hippies looking at the wood chip landscaping for Psilocybe cyanescens and Psilocybe allenii.”
In other words, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas in the Bay Area. Check out the mushroom-hunting event tomorrow and don't miss out on these once-yearly deals!

Everything is Terrible at The Roxie

We think this trailer is enough proof as to why you should attend tonight's showing, but here are some words to go with it:

This holiday season, Everything Is Terrible!, the world famous psychedelic soldiers of found footage, return with another epic masterpiece! Over the last 5 years EIT! has built upon their classic Holiday Special, each year creating a more abominable video collage of everyone’s least favorite time of the year! A millennium's worth of VHS memories of misplaced sentimentalities, fist fights over toys for tots, erotic Santas, Nazi elves, and an endless parade of singing kids will surely destroy us all! Will this holiday season be our last? Will our Maya brothers and sisters of so many moons ago be correct in their prediction of doom? After all the dust settles, and our world as we know it is no more, will we have learned the true meaning of the season? There is only one way to find the answers that we seek! Watch one more crappy holiday special! This holiday season Everything Is Terrible! will be served on ice!

They're also promising “puppets, sing-a-longs, candy, fake snow, and a visit from the big man himself,” so you're definitely not going to want to miss this.

10pm, $15, The Roxie Theater, tonight!

Dolores Park's Weed Truffle Dude Gets Big Spotlight in iOS 6's Maps

We here at Uptown Almanac haven't upgraded to iOS 6 yet because we were told the new maps are garbage, but looks like tech blog tantrums were full of their usual frantic shit because iOS Maps has all the hot tips on where we can get effin' ripped—in 3D.

That's right, “Mission Delores Park's” [sic] infamous Truffle Guy, responsible for making many Marina girls freak out and cry, now has prominent placement in Apple's otherwise inadequate maps app—a necessary feature that the Google Dream Team failed to deliver. UA tipsters Lindsay fills us in on her discovery:

RIDIC. I'm sure it's because, of course, he's on Yelp and that is where the data come from. But still.

Yes. But still.

Happy Thanksgiving, dope fiends!