— By Erika Kali |
This was spotted outside that new BBQ spot that's opening on 19th across from Hog and Rocks. It might be a metaphor for the much discussed gentrification of the Mission, or it could just be a cute stencil of a sheep that really likes chasing flying money. It could go either way.
— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |
Rarely do we here at Uptown Almanac get truly excited about a new product being sold in San Francisco, but rarely is such a product “the most hipster beer in the world.”
Oh yes. Starting this month, Churchkey Can Co., the new beer from Entourage mega-hunk Adrian Grenier and “some dude who used to work at Nike,” will “rollout” to the Bay Area following a couple months of intense product incubation in the drunk and rainy cities of Portland and Seattle.
However, its appeal isn't coming from its association with actors, its army of Facebook and Zynga executive investors, nor its nice, instagrammy script title font on the side of every steal can. Rather, it's gaining steam in the tech press because everyone is clamoring for its hot new vintage 1930s-era can design that requires you to open the lid with a primitive tool known as a “church key”.
“Church key?,” you ask? Well, here's a promotional video teaching all you “dumb young fucks” how to open a real beer:
Of course, even to the most casual observer, this looks extremely similar to Miller Lite's latest gimmick, in which you “crack open your brew” with Very Manly Objects like wrenches, shark teeth, fishing lure, dice, and the reservoir tip of a filled condom:
Miller Lite's competing product aside, this new old product is going to fuck up the beer industry as we know it. Just read this objective press release posted on TechCrunch about TechCrunch's investment in the product:
After a short beer tasting hosted by CrunchFund founder and former TechCrunch editor Michael Arrington, the obvious first question asked by Siegler, who is also an investor in the company through CrunchFund, was about why there is a beer company at Disrupt and why tech investors are interested in investing in a beer company. Churchkey, Siegler noted, had one of the best pitch decks he had ever seen. Investing in Churchkey, he said, was an easy choice because it has the potential to disrupt the beer industry with its new design.
So get ready, San Francisco. You best be freeing up some room on your carabiner for some church keys.
— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |
Supervisor David Campos addressing a room full of fellow stuck-in-the-muds (Photo/Mission Local)
“Why is it important to have more alcohol?” asked a man who brought his young daughter to the meeting. “Why not have healthier foods?”
“We’re being flooded with alcohol. How will this change improve public health?”
“With all the gentrification, we’re just opening the door to more boutique, high-end places. My Brownies don’t go to Bi-Rite.”“I don’t feel like I’m at a point where I can make changes to the legislation,” [Supervisor David Campos] said. “There remains the question, should anything change?”
These were the concerns brought up at a recent community meeting regarding calls to lift some of the confines in the Mission's and La Lengua's ban on new liquor licenses (as known as the “Mission Alcohol Special Use District”). Sounds bad, right? Lifting restrictios means more gentrification. Less room for healthier foods. Increasing damage to our public health. Why would we ever consider loosening up restrictions on bringing liquor licenses into the Mission?
And people in favor of keeping our strict moratorium in place have a point. After all, a funny thing has happened since the 1996 ban went into effect: 200 new businesses have been permitted to sell liquor in the neighborhood. That shouldn't be surprising to anyone—in the past couple of years alone, Pica Pica, Mission Cheese, Grub, Mosto, Tacolicious, West of Pecos, and Wo Hing General Store have opened with booze to sell in locations on Valencia previously not permitted to do so.
But therein lies the problem. In the 18 years the ban has been in place, 195 restaurants have received licenses (39 of which have full liquor licenses), but only two bars and three grocery stores have. In other words, 97.5% of new liquor licenses in the Mission are being gobbled up by predominately fancy, high-end restaurants catering to people from outside the neighborhood who can afford a premium for dinner.
If we really care about “gentrification” and “healthier foods” and The Public Good, shouldn't we be making it easier, not harder, for new, innovative, cheap, diverse establishments to open?
The reason you mostly see high-end restaurants opening is a due to a tangled web of bureaucracy, inflated costs, and bad public policy.
When the ban went into effect, restaurants were not deemed to be the problem—corner stores and seedy bars were. Back then, the Mission was 'overrun' with violent drunks and vagabonds who subsisted on a diet of corner store malt liquor and cheap vodka. The thinking was that with a ban on new liquor licenses and license transfers in place, corner stores and bars would go away as their owners moved on and the Mission, in effect, would become less “saturated” by liquor. Since full-service restaurants (defined as restaurants that see more than 50% of their income come from food sales) and commercial grocery stores (think Safeway and Whole Foods) were not the problem, they were exempt from the ban.
Of course, this has had the unintended effect of accelerating the influx of high-end businesses with “concepts” and “trained mixologists” and increasing the homogeneity of our nightlife.
Because of the excessively limited scope of what types of businesses are allowed in the neighborhood, existing and aspiring business owners alike are burdened with getting the law changed. First in 2000, when the Brava Theater wanted to serve beer and wine, an amendment was made to exempt non-profit theaters from the ban. More recently, the Roxie Theatre successfully lobbied to get non-profit single-screen cinemas exempt (even after getting the legislation passed, they've still been forced to wait over a year to get their license approved). Then Mission Bowling Club lobbied to have bowling alleys exempt. Now Supervsior Campos is working with Alamo Drafthouse and Local Mission Market to have commercial multiplex movie theaters and small, organic grocery stores allowed in the neighborhood.
This is a downright insane way to tackle local policy. Instead of freeing our creative minds to open up new businesses such as breweries, bowling alleys, and concert venues, we've limited our pool of potential new business owners to those deep-pocketed entrepreneurs that can afford to navigate our city's turbulent political process.
What's worse is the effect this nonsense is having on the existing businesses. Valencia Whole Foods has been fighting for a license for the last ten years, to little avail. If the small grocery was allowed to sell liquor, they could be able to afford to stay open later. However, has chosen to prevent this on the grounds that Valencia Whole Foods isn't a full-sized grocery. The owners of Shotwell's would certainly love to serve gin and tonics (and we're certain their customers would love that too), but they are forbidden to upgrade to a full bar because they don't sell food. And the very inner-Mission corner stores that the ban was designed to make go away? Because the ban forbids the sale and transfer of licenses within the Mission, owners of corners stores remain open because there is no way for them to “cash out” and sell their license to a new grocery store or similar establishment.
Supporters of the ban claim that any respectable business, be it an organic grocery store, bowling alley, or venue should be able to survive without a liquor license. But realistically speaking, many restaurants need liquor licenses in order to stay competitive, fully serve their clientele, and make enough profit to stay afloat. Similarily, Local Mission Market and Valencia Whole Foods believe licenses are necessary to become more viable small, local grocery stores that can compete with the likes of Bi-Rite, Trader Joes, and Whole Foods.
Beyond the grocery store and bowling alley hullabaloo, the supporters of this failed legislation want to keep it in place to curb the menace of today: gentrification—big scary gentrification! In their twisted train of thought, restricting new licenses in the Mission will protect the vibe of the neighborhood. But, in reality, the very opposite is happening.
The only way to open a new bar in the neighborhood is to acquire an existing bar, either through evicting the bar by refusing to renew its lease (as was the case with Kink.com taking over Ace Cafe on 14th and Mission) or buying a bar outright (such as Dr. Teeth did to Bissap Baobab). Often, this comes at the expense of Latino establishments—in the past year alone, El Rincon and El Mexicano were gobbled up by 'Hipster Joints'.
Moreover, because selling a license to a new business in the Mission is seen as a riskier investment, as the ban makes it easier for SFPD and ABC to regulate new businesses with licenses (see the mandated limited hours of Mission Cheese, West of Pecos, and Dear Mom), licenses are sold for a highly inflated price to neighborhood businesses. Existing Mission bars and restaurants with licenses are flipped on the market for exorbitant prices for the exact same reason.
Effectually, cheaper restaurants that want to serve alcohol can no longer afford to open in the Mission and we're left with restaurants that only cater to a wealthier crowd. After all, they need to recoup their investment.
Supposedly, Campos is in favor creating a taxpayer-funded program to fiscally sponsor Latino entrepreneurs who wish to open an business with a liquor license in an effort to combat these rising costs. Essentially, he's admitting there is a problem with the current system. So why not fix the problem, rather than allocate funds for people of particular ethnicities to navigate the bureaucratic chaos?
It's this kind of thinking that forces our business leaders to spend valuable months and fiscal resources schmoozing City Hall into amending a law, rather than opening a new business. Instead of serving customers, pouring beer at an independent movie, having people bowl, or opening a grocery store, this legislation is forcing businesses to squander valuable time maneuvering around bad policy. And after spending tens of thousands of unnecessary dollars just to start the business, is anyone really surprised that new restaurants are charging $15 for a hamburger?
(If you're interested in seeing this bad legislation go away, Campos is hosting another meeting to debate the matter Wed., June 13th at the Mission Cultural Center for Latino Arts [2868 Mission at 25th] Plaza Adelante [2301 Mission at 19th])
— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |
After a long-ish wait, the SoMa StrEat [zzzing!] Food Park opened their chain-link fence gate to the slobbering public. And it's a delight! 10 food trucks serving restaurant-quality food at restaurant prices, complimentary wifi, and, soon, a beer truck pouring cold mugs of brew; all sandwiched between an 6-lane highway, a thriving Costco, and all-natural artisan spelt bread:
Note: all-natural artisan spelt bread not pictured.
Now, I'm not sure it's right of me to thoroughly shit on this. For one, this isn't for 20-something Mission kids as much as it's for 40-something office workers whose lunch hour is the only glimmer of excitement in their waning life. Plus, there really isn't much to eat in the area besides dollar hot dogs at Costco—who am I to take this away from them?
And, really, it's not all that bad. The SoMa Stench is largely choked out by whiffs of fresh-baked cookies and truffle oil French fries. The dominating hum of a dozen food truck generators reduces the thundering roar of passing 18-wheelers to chirps from a gasoline bird, cruising through the summer breeze it's simultaneously choking the life out of. And the food? Well, that's pretty damn good too (protip: Little Green Cyclo's tatter tots with tamarind plum sauce is where it's at).
But there's something about the setting that makes this place feel a little… off. The towering walls of bulk pizza bites and stop and go traffic are unsettling, sure, but it's more than that…
See, outside SoMa StrEat Food is a truck “movement” of another kind: people displaced by foreclosures and rising rents, forced to live under the freeway in dilapidated mobile shanties.
Maybe these two communities neighboring each other isn't so shocking; after all, these food trucks are supposedly a product of the rising cost of opening a brick and mortar restaurant in Our Fair City. Piles of city regulations and deep-pocketed restaurateurs made the dream impossible, so into the back of a truck the kitchen went, man. And even if all that is true, there's something profoundly rattling about watching a guy pour a bucket of urine into a storm drain while you're heading to spend $10 on a bowl of rice.
And remember: be careful about leaving valuables in your car, as someone stole the sign reminding you there are thieves in the area.
— By Sam Bartos |
Look, Mark. We get it. You are our generation's poster child for technological innovation and entrepreneurship. You are the CEO of a very powerful company that connects the world with their closest friends and boredest aunts. Justin Timberlake invented Napster for you. You are person of the year 2007-200FOREVER. And that's great! I'm proud to call myself one of your 500 zillion friends that you didn't get to without making a few enemies.
But recently, Mark, you've been being kind of a dick. I was at the Phone Booth last night, a local cigar humidifier Italian wedding bar that you have been known to frequent be at one time, and while using the restroom, I found something you left behind.
Ok? Man? Shuthefuckuperburg. It's very wonderful you that you are having your IPO and you are marrying beautiful Asian doctors. We should all be so lucky to have our IPO's and marry beautiful Asian doctors. It's wonderful to open the stock market in a sweatshirt like you just invented a more casual, chiller economy. But when you walk into the bathroom and tag your CEO status on a dive urinal, you are just being a major wang. We already KNOW that you were at the Phone Booth, we here at Uptown Almanac had a field day about it. Keeping that in mind, you need to learn how to be tactful of asserting your presence when you come to the Mission. At least other Bay Area CEOs have some panache.
Well, maybe not.
— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |
The Chronicle recently interviewed the owner of Three Twins Ice Cream in the Lower Haight, who happens to make the world's most expensive (but not delicious—that title belongs to Mitchell's) sundae:
Q: So what's the deal with the $3,333.33 banana split you have on the Napa store's menu? Are you out of your mind?
A: I put it up not really as a joke, but for something fun for people to read while they're waiting in line.I really hate the most expensive (dot dot dot) when most of the expense is for the serving dish, like the most expensive cocktail that comes in a crystal chalice. We serve the most expensive sundae, but the food cost is one-third of the price. It's three scoops of organic ice cream; a banana, organic of course; and is topped with three syrups made from three extremely rare dessert wines - a 1960s vintage Port, a Chateau D'Yquem and a German Trockenbeerenauslese. It also comes with a cellist who will play anything you want while you eat the sundae.
Be sure to wear your “I'm part of the 1 percent” card on your chest when you order it.
Q: You say the banana split is the world's most expensive sundae. Are you sure it's the most expensive?
A: Absolutely. We researched it extensively on the Internet.
Pssh. While all this might be a tad out of my league, I CHALLENGE your claim that a 20-scoop sundae served from a KFC bucket or whatever is “absurd.” And I'm sure it tastes wonderful doused in Boone's Farm.
[Photo by Lesley K | via Grub Street]
— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |
I've been thinking a lot lately how there hasn't been enough innovation in tortillas. Flour or corn… maybe infused with a gentle hint of whole wheat, roasted red pepper, or green food coloring. What a snooze. I have a budget, so why can't I have my dream?
I want a tortilla crafted by an expert chef and his young apprentice, slowly hand-making each and every tortilla with the finest, locally-sourced farm-to-table organic ingredients in their gritty yet sanitary workshop. See, I should feel proud knowing that my dollars are going directly the craftsmen—nay, artists—themselves, not some polluting big business. It should glisten with pride, that dream tortilla, literally lighting up my Instagrams with freshness and flavor…no filter, baby.
My mouth? Overwhelmed with subtlety. A splash of orange zest, a dash of fennel… is that cinnamon? Oh baby, oh baby, I think I just had a foodgasm.
What's that, you say? My dream tortilla already exists?!
Mission Artisan-Style Cornhole Tortillas, where have you been all my life? It's like the gods themselves made these with me in mind. And these cornhole tortillas are a good source of fiber? Explosive. Do you accept Square?
— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |
Filmmaker Kate Imbach profiles San Francisco modern classical composer Christopher Fulkerson, who has taken up the night shift as a taxi driver to pay the bills following the collapse the industry in the early 90s. He's got a lot on his mind, like how buying a PC over a Mac set him back for a decade, the collapse of the Soviet Union impacting him all the way here in America, the superiority of pencils, technology expanding his audience, and how driving a taxi opened him up to a nightlife he never knew existed. It's a frightening, if not sad look into the life of everyday American artists, and it's definitely worth a watch.
— By James the Stanton (@gnartoons) |
Hey guys and gals, my brand new self-published comic book, “Gnartoons, Issue #1” is currently on sale at a small pile of San Francisco book shops:
Comix Experience (305 Divisadero)
Isotope Comics (326 Fell Street)
Mission Comics (3520 20th Street)
Needles and Pens (3253 16th Street)
If you're reading this post from out of town you can order a book from my webstore: Gnartoons Webstore
It's printed in full-color and even features one of my 'San Francisco Bay Comics'. Go buy one today so I can afford to buy a beer someday!
Thanks!
-James
— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |
Say you're in Dolores Park, trying to look at Facebook and stuff and your battery is running super low from trying unsuccessfully to send the same text over and over because, lol!, there's no service! You could run home and charge it up; or you could hit up Lynn on AirBnB, who's now offering up her sweet apartment as a quasi-airport charging station:
So you're hanging out in the Mish all day. Instagramming like crazy, taking pics of all the things, and now you have to go to dinner in 2 hours, and your phone has 20% battery left… HOW will you survive???
Drop off your phone at my place, we'll let it charge for an hour or two. $5/hr - it's not so much to pay - after all, you're going to be in the hood for 6 more hours. Those incriminating photos don't take themselves! Charge your phone!
Charge your phone!
[AirBnB]