Capitalism

Another Staple Mission Dive Ditches PBR, Cheap Beer

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Following the lead of fellow Mission bars Pop's and Blind Cat, Uptown has ditched cheap beer—presumably in hopes of cleaning up the neighborhood's “scummiest dive”.  While trying to order a $2 PBR a few days ago, the bartender informed this needlessly sober customer that “we don't serve that beer anymore” and the cheapest bar on the menu was Tecate for jacked up price of $2.75.  No reason was given.

This is absolutely horrible news.  Not only will it cost me an extra 75¢ so my PBR can come in a fancy red can, but this could very well mean that the Uptown is no longer keen on barely-legal, marker-wielding clientele which the bar is known for.

Back in March, we learned that Mission dives were ditching PBR and cheap beer to reduce vandalism.  It seems, according to bartenders and managers at Blind Cat and Pop's, that dropping affordable brew gets rid of “all the problem kids that ruin the [bars].”  And, sure, it makes sense why a bar would want to get rid of taggers and other such degens who probably cost the bar money.  But it also has this nasty side effect of making drinking more expensive for everyone else.

Besides, does this mean no more bro-on-ladybro fighting?  Or asstowel-less butt-on-chair contact?  The crowd was always part of the magic of the Uptown.  Without it, isn't it just another bar serving perfectly fine $4 local beer on a street lined with prostitutes?

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Finally, Valet Parking Arrives at the Mission's Veterinary Hospital

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

I noticed something curious the other day: the vet on corner of 18th and Alabama now provides valet parking services!  Which is great; next time Seamus gets a touch sick, I can just strap him to the roof of my station wagon and pay some guy in a vest to hopelessly circle the neighborhood until I'm done.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Weird Muni Ad Tries to Understand Diagram Understanding of the Mission (Maybe?)

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Some dumb iPhone case manufacturer figured out that graphs and the Mission are cool and thus plastered this bizarre piece of marketing all over Muni shelters.  I don't really get it, but local wit TK attempts to break it down:

So we have three groups of people represented here: (1) People who think “hipsters” (ugh) “rule the Mission” (ugh); (2) People who do not think hipsters rule the Mission; and (3) People who are just looking for the best taqueria. The overlapping areas between (1) and (2), (2) and (3), and (1) and (3) are not labelled. I guess the overlap between People who think hipsters rule the Mission and People who don't is “People who are aware of the existence of the Mission” or “People who believe there is an identifiable subgroup called 'hipsters' and that term still has some kind of meaning”. People who are just looking for the best taqueria, I don't know where you fit in. If you don't think hipsters rule the Mission and are just looking for the best taqueria, you're probably just a Normal Person or a Norteno or something.

Somehow, what all 3 groups have in common is that, apparently, they want or need or have a Speck thing. I'm not sure about this; the ad isn't really clear. Do you want a Speck now? I don't. Ad fail.

I still don't get it.

[40 going on 28]

299 Valencia Condo Developer Looking Constructing a Second Building Down the Street

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

The developers behind the 299 Valencia condo project, who famously boast about their building's access to “artisan haircuts” and “racks of raw denim”, are thrilled with how sales went on that particular property—so thrilled that they now want to erect a second five-story building at the abandoned gas station on the corner of 23rd and Valencia.  SocketSite has the scoop:

The developer of 299 Valencia Street is quietly testing the waters over Planning to raze the shuttered gas station on 23rd Street between Valencia and San Jose Avenue and construct a five-story building with 42 dwelling units over ground floor retail and 31 off-street parking spaces on the 1198 Valencia Street site that's undergoing environmental remediation.

Like Mitt Romney's humble abode, the condo will feature a fancy car elevator so they can squeeze as many Lexuses as possible into the building.

No word if and when construction will begin, as they still need authorization from the Planning Commission to proceed.

[Photo via Mission Mission]

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

The Next Generation of Campbell's Soups Inspired by SF Hipsters

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Facing declining sales and the realization that if Warhol were alive today, he'd probably draw Amy's, Campbell's CEO sent their top soup R&D squad to “hipster hubs” to figure out what kind of grass-fed grass soups 20-somethings are into these days:

[Chuck Vila, Campbell's VP of something or other] and his colleagues went to such “hipster hubs’’ as Austin, Portland and San Francisco to study the rituals and preferences of people in their mid-20s and 30s. They shopped with them. They ate at their favorite food trucks, neighborhood restaurants and, sometimes, they ate home-cooked meals in their homes.

“We learned a lot,’’ Vila said. “They are restless spirits with adventurous tastes.”

So, what do our restless spirits crave? “Spicy Chorizo & Pulled Chicken with Black Beans” in a to-go microwavable package, covered with pictures of girls in thick-rimmed glasses that look like they just sampled human feces but paid grin otherwise.

The Armory Club, A New Bar From Kink.com, Revealed

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

After Kink.com evicted the beloved Ace Cafe a year ago by jacking up the rent, described as “a real dickish sitch” at the time, they slowly got to work renovating the spot.  Rumors that the porn factory is converting the old biker bar into a cocktail lounge appears to be true: they dropped the plywood surrounding the building a few days ago to reveal a sleek slate-covered exterior and other amenities unknown to the old Ace Cafe, like windows.

Our friend Stephanie, who swung in yesterday and chatted with a construction worker, tells us it'll be called “The Armory Club,” is pretty damn dark inside, and doesn't look a whole lot like the old place.  The onsite worker didn't know exactly when it would be opened, but he seemed to think it would be soon.

Unfortunately, there were no stripper poles, chains, or dildo chandeliers found inside.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

How Much Does it Cost to Look Like a "Hipster" at Outside Lands?

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

As Dolly Parton once quipped, “it costs a lot of money to look this cheap.”  And the fashion mavens at 7x7 are taking that to heart with their guide to “looking your best” at Outside Lands' “hipster fashion show” this weekend:

  1. Mayfourteenth Jacob Sunglasses, $200
  2. Forever 21 Patterned Straw Fedora, $12.80
  3. Steven Madden Fringed Leather Crossbody, $48
  4. Madewell Station Sandal, $138
  5. Laura Mercier Tinted Moisturizer SPF 20, $43
  6. Alice + Olivia Pam Poncho with Fur Collar, $797
  7. Strutting Flamingo Throw, $58.99

The grand total for this chill ensemble?  $1297.79 (pants not included).

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

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