"Instagram: The Beer" Coming to San Francisco!

Rarely do we here at Uptown Almanac get truly excited about a new product being sold in San Francisco, but rarely is such a product “the most hipster beer in the world.”

Oh yes.  Starting this month, Churchkey Can Co., the new beer from Entourage mega-hunk Adrian Grenier and “some dude who used to work at Nike,” will “rollout” to the Bay Area following a couple months of intense product incubation in the drunk and rainy cities of Portland and Seattle.

However, its appeal isn't coming from its association with actors, its army of Facebook and Zynga executive investors, nor its nice, instagrammy script title font on the side of every steal can.  Rather, it's gaining steam in the tech press because everyone is clamoring for its hot new vintage 1930s-era can design that requires you to open the lid with a primitive tool known as a “church key”.

“Church key?,” you ask?  Well, here's a promotional video teaching all you “dumb young fucks” how to open a real beer:

Of course, even to the most casual observer, this looks extremely similar to Miller Lite's latest gimmick, in which you “crack open your brew” with Very Manly Objects like wrenches, shark teeth, fishing lure, dice, and the reservoir tip of a filled condom:

Miller Lite's competing product aside, this new old product is going to fuck up the beer industry as we know it.  Just read this objective press release posted on TechCrunch about TechCrunch's investment in the product:

After a short beer tasting hosted by CrunchFund founder and former TechCrunch editor Michael Arrington, the obvious first question asked by Siegler, who is also an investor in the company through CrunchFund, was about why there is a beer company at Disrupt and why tech investors are interested in investing in a beer company. Churchkey, Siegler noted, had one of the best pitch decks he had ever seen. Investing in Churchkey, he said, was an easy choice because it has the potential to disrupt the beer industry with its new design.

So get ready, San Francisco.  You best be freeing up some room on your carabiner for some church keys.

Comments (13)

Hardee har har. TechCrunch and CrunchFund are not the same. But the beer, it tastes like PBR but with a slightly more “industrial, rusty” flavor. It’s actually pretty good, popping the top is somewhat enjoyable (at least the first few times), and the smoother pour is actually quite awesome. But we’re the only city that thinks a beer this expensive could be hipster.

Is the name intended to sound like “tchotchke”?

This will cause an unbelievable amount of drunken lip slices.

This is a fucking retarded gimmick. And typical of uncreative douchebags that made big money through strokes of only-in-america luck but assume the rest of us want to buy their re-imagined mundane crap. Yay, its grilled cheese but totally different! this coffee is crazy incredible and way strong! Give me a break. Donate some of your non-deserved gains to charity instead of investing in some crap youre trying to foist on the rest of us

This is amazing! I am so excited to see people drinking this in bars, at the park, and in restaurants! I’ll know exactly who is tryin way too hard without having to discern whether they’re hip or just homeless! Amazing.

These idiots should see the movie “beer wars” and find out why they’re not going to rock the beer industry with tech from 1935.

Facts. They really get in the way of the hype. Makes you wonder if their other pronouncements are also equally suspect.

Also: Yes, I will buy one but I sure as shit am not paying 10 bucks for a sixer of 4.1 beer. They could have at least made it a strong beer…

they could have at least attempted to make this a beer worth drinking

@Serg - have you even tried it?

@njudah - you’re a retard

@tastr - You know what’s up

@trucknuts - shut up

@da said - LOL

“industrial, rusty flavor”? You got be fucking kidding me.

I’ve got a new Malt Liquor offering coming out soon. It’s gonna be called ‘ShatteredPate’. The swill will be served in 40 and 64oz bottles and there will be no screw cap on top to open. No, you’ll have to either smash it open on some other hard object(we recommend someone’s cranium) or hand it off to a bro, and have them smash it against yours. Its taste is likened to stale piss in a Greyhound bus station bathroom with slight hints of glass shards. Party on, dudes!

they were called can openers. Not churchkey. Not