Bernal

Weekly Property Damage Rundown: Clueless Willie Brown

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

It's been ages since I've thought of Clueless, but fortunately for my wistful memories of lurid teen comedies, some artist recreated choice scenes using pages of 1970s National Geographics on the gates of Dolores Park.

Speaking of the '90s, one self-appointed sheriff pasted these wanted posters up and down the Mission, demanding the head of Willie “Da Bridge” Brown for rubbing out San Francisco.

I also recently learned that The Sycamore's bathroom wall is one of the strangest reads around.

Outside Beauty Bar Sunday evening, an artist finished up a great new piece (my photo: not so great) of a skinny sasquatch puking up people and rocket ships from the back of his head. (Presumably, an homage to the bar's late-night customers.)

Finally, via Bernalwood, yarn bombing still appears to be a thing.

The Lovable Scumbags of 1970s La Lengua

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

With San Francisco's resident population of immaculate assholes ever hungry for microhood coverage, SF Chronicle columnist Carl Nolte took a page out of The Hold Phallic's microhood-drizzled playbook and explored the dainty enclave of La Lengua.  While most of the news is neither news nor particularly interesting (they have a parklet!), his look back at the neighborhood shitheads of a generation past is worth the read alone:

It was a tough part of town in the 1970s. “Blue collar,” said Richard Perri, who used to own Cavanaugh's, a 29th and Mission landmark bar.

“We had a customer named Ice Pick Larry who had a big scar on his face,” he recalled. “We had Gorilla Doug, who would come in and say, 'I can lick anybody in the house.' And he could, too. We had Lyle the Swamper, who would clean up the joint after hours in exchange for drinks. Real Damon Runyon stuff.”

How long ago was that? “We had a grand opening and served 86 proof whiskey, 35 cents a shot, three drinks for a dollar,” Perri said. “Long time ago.”

But Cavanaugh's wasn't tough all the time. “We had poetry readings once in a while,” he said.

The .35¢ whiskey sounds pretty clutch, but I suppose I'm all set with getting slobbered on by Gorilla Doug (even if it is La Lengua).  I guess this is what they call progress.

[SFgate]

Waffle Party

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

I have no idea what a waffle party looks like, but we can all find out on Sunday at the Way Out Cafe, which is way out there in La Lengua near that El Rio place.  They're promising a hot mess of dancable tunes to by played by DJs so you can boogie in your seat/have an excuse to yell at your friends about “obnoxious hipster topics” like who you fucked last night and how pop-up restaurants are the fucking jam.  Also, waffles!

[via Vegansaurus]

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

The Bold Italic Discovers Precita Park

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

The Bold Italic clues us in:

Sure, there are heatwave days worthy of a Dolores Park headache, days you want to get shwasted instead of going to work. But for every other sunny day devoted to reading 50 Shades of Grey undisturbed, packing a romantic picnic, or playing croquet with your posse, try Precita Park.

Precita Park on Folsom (past Cesar Chavez) is underrated. Sometimes I walk down there and wonder why it's not packed like Dolo probably is that same day. Perhaps it's not in the center of the Mission, but this tiny park is going places. The park hosts outdoor movie nights. There's three cafes surrounding the block of grass, including Precita Park Cafe that just opened in December. All three spots offer food, refreshments, and usually trust non-customers to use the bathrooms.

Sounds cool.

The Bold Italic Renames "La Lengua"

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Due to the distressing lack of microhoods in San Francisco, the pioneering cartographers at The Bold Italic have been dicing up San Francisco's large and unwieldy neighborhoods into smaller, more digestible blocks of hip happenings.  It's led to fashion corridors like Valencia Bottoms, non-lether, asexual drinking along FolSoma, and the “cool but still crappy” Mid Riff—quaint corners of San Francisco previously in a sorta need of some distinctive flag to fly.

This week, the Bold Locals noted they were “never quite sure what to call the strip of Mission south of Cesar Chavez and north of Cortland.”  We always thought it was “La Lengua” (and so did Google Maps, CBS 5, The Examiner, and even Old Bruce over at the Bay Guardian got hip to what all the kids are callin' it these days), but apparently we were wrong.  It's “Bernal Flats”, so don't get it confused.

This revelation makes way more sense anyway—it's near Bernal Heights, but it's flat.  Get it?  Bernal Flats.  Isn't that easier?  Besides, I never saw tongues around the neighborhood, and licking the Mission Street sidewalk sure as shit doesn't taste very good.

(Interesting side note: commenter Herr Doktor Professor Deth Vegetable thinks he accidentially coined this whole “Bernal Flats” confusion two years ago.)

[The Bold Italic]

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

First Look: Thai Idea

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

This is the exterior of Thai Idea, the latest restaurant to open in La Lengua, right next to The Knockout.  I know what you're thinking, “Thai Idea?“  I know I know, it's a shit name.  And the “IT IS VEGGILICIOUS” signage?  Also a touch lame.

But, marketing blunders aside, this place is good.  Not just good, but good.

See, there aren't just that many vegetarian restaurants in the greater Mission District.  There's Herbivore and Gracias Madre, but they're “good” at best, “okay” if we're being honest.  And there's plenty of great restaurants with vegetarian plates, but they're usually limited in offerings and force you to settle.  So when a vegetarian joint opens that is actually good, we take note.

Please refrain from dipping your fingers in the sauce until the plate is clean. We didn't.

Their “wing bomb” is good as hell and, fortunately, doesn't give you explosive diarrhea.  Plus, they're easily better than the equivalent fake-chicken-on-a-stick appetizer at Golden Era in the TL.  The pineapple fried rice was also packed full of more particularly delicious mock chicken, and the rice itself was still good and moist unlike that of most of the other exceptionally edible Asian restaurants around.

The one drawback is the place is oddly comfortable (there are pillows everywhere), but when the most expensive dish tops out at $12 and the food is that good, it's easy to get past it.

[First pic by WBTC]

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