Noe Valley

Local Food Blogger Seasons Package Thief With Bear Spray

In what could be San Francisco's closest real-life adaptation of Kill Bill, “Professional Food Pornographer” Sonya Yu made a citizen's arrest of a suspected serial package thief in Noe Valley earlier today after catching him in the act.  How?  Because of Noe Valley's proximity to The Castro, residents keep an ample supply of bear spray handy.  And swords.  Japanese bokkens, to be exact—and she wasn't afraid to use them.

According to Sonya's fiance, through Noe Valley SF, the couple laid out a bear trap, complete with a motion-activated video camera and a fake package (aka “bait”) left out to be stolen.  For our benefit, Sonya livetweeted the whole ordeal, from setup to arrest:

Now that the trap is set up, time to take a break for some humdrum daytime activities:

But that didn't last for long:

She seriously must of fucked up his world, because…

No pain, no gain:

And with a little aid from schadenfreude:

Finally, for some home defense tips:

And scene:

Her entire play-by-play is practically a lifetime of Tweets, so do read them for additional gems.  Unfortunately, she didn't end up mutilating his junk.

[Noe Valley SF]

7x7 Finally Admits Their Readers Have "Lily-White Skin"

It's been a while since we've made fun of 7x7 for being, well, 7x7.  But this latest tidbit from the magazine's new executive editor Chloe Harris Frankeny is too rich to pass up.

For once, it seems as though the magazine is not only recognizing their whiteness, but embracing it.  However, they took it one step further by calling their reader's skin “lily-white,” a term forever marred by the racist anti-civil-rights movement to expel African-Americans from Southern politics and the Republican Party.  Oops.

But, more importantly, does anyone want to go glamping?  That sure does sound nice.

[Thanks for the tip, Laura!]

Naked Muni Monster Escapes Authorities to CRUSH CARS [NSFW]

SFist reports:

A woman described as “heavyset” and naked except for her shoes was pulled off the J-Church line on Tuesday morning, and while cops and medical personnel were evaluating her near the intersection of 24th and Church, she threw off a blanket that had been wrapped around her, walked up on the hood of one man's car, and stomped on his windshield. The man, John Knight, described the crazed woman as about 250 pounds, and he had a lot of explaining to do to his insurance company.

They asked if the car was on the side of a street or in a parking lot,” [Knight told the Chronicle]. “I told them, ‘No, a naked woman just got on my hood and stomped on it.’ They didn’t really know what to make of it.”

And here's the aftermath:

We reached out to Mr. Knight for an additional comment*, “No, see I was inside the car when it happened! Do you realize what kind of a vantage point that gave me? There are some things that can't be unseen! … Thank God I was driving a Volvo.”

*Mr. Knight really didn't tell us that.

[SFgate, via SFist]

Mission Bicycle Company Unveils "The Noe"

After years of exclusively selling fixies and single speeds to the neighborhood 20-somethings which the company was named after, the bike shop thought it wise to expand their reach to the burgeoning “out-of-the-stroller-and-into-the-saddle” market up the hill.

Their facebook post on the matter has all the pertinent details.

Billy Goat Hill's Petrifying Rope Swing

This rope swing isn't for the faint-of-heart, or for overweight people with shitty grip strength, for that matter.  These people may look like they are enjoying themselves, but they're not.  They're fucking pissing themselves.  And for good reason: the swing flies 300 feet above the San Francisco skyline from a dusty knoll on the little-known Billy Goat Hill in Noe Valley.  Or Glen Park.  All those neighborhoods look the same to me.  But, I digress…

Standing atop of a rat's nest of eroded roots snarling along the precipice of self-inflicted bodily harm, you grab a rope dangling from a branch some fifteen or twenty feet above your head, curse your shithead friends for roping you into this idiocy, and leap into flight.

The ground instantly drops out from between you.  Five feet.  Ten feet.  Fifteen feet. Next thing you know, you're staring at the roofs of homes 50 feet below and wishing you hadn't slammed back all those beers beforehand.  All the thrills over a roller coaster, but with none of the safety features that come with riding a 50-year-old wooden death trap that's operated by meth addicts.  And just as you become convinced you're going to be hauled off the mountain on a stretcher, you make your triumphant return to the safety of solid ground from which you departed.

If you're as graceful as you are ballsy, you leap from the swing to the ground below, shuffling your feet to a quick stop.  If you're a clumsy old fool like me, you flail erratically and slam into the tree.

Examining your newfound bruises and ensuring you didn't unexpectedly crap lunch into your pants, everyone fortunate enough to witness your foray into the life of someone with courage will remark that they didn't know a grow-ass man was capable to emitting such screams.

“Whatever, no big deal.”

Mitchell's Mayhem

Everyone likes to hate on Bi-Rite's long summer lines, but this weekend Mitchell's was packing a 30 minute wait for a cone at 10pm.  As one astute customer noted while exiting the shop pointing westward like a starved frontiersman, “YO!, I heard Safeway sells ice cream RIGHT OVER THERE.”  Very true, but that Peanut Butter Blitz sundae is oh-so-worth-it.

Is Valencia Street Now Officially in Noe Valley?

Burrito Justice brings to our attention The Neighborhood Project, which allows San Franciscans enter in their address and specify what neighborhood they believe they live in, thus making a democratically-created map of SF neighborhoods.  There's a few interesting points on the map (albeit, not all of them very surprising): the Tenderloin and Nob Hill blends together, no one seems to have a clue where the Lower Haight begins and ends, people are obviously divided on NOPA vs. Western Addition, and a bunch of people living along Valencia think they live in Noe Valley.  Wait, what?  Yep, based on this map, the Mission is shrinking, getting gobbled up by Noe Valley to the left and Potrero Hill to the right.

This brings up a whole bunch of questions about the Mission and where it's going (answer: within a few blocks between Mission St and Harrison).  Up until today, I had always heard jokes about Valencia looking a lot 24th at elevation, but I didn't think people actually thought the Mission ended at Mission St.

At least we still have Dolores Park.