Noe Valley
Noe Valley SF reports that the Noe Street Plaza has been shot down in favor of the small parklets that have been going up around the city. Even though this isn't entirely Dufty's fault and he's clearly going to receive the majority of the blame, the whole escapade demonstrates his inability to lead. During a recent community meeting on the subject, Dufty could not control the floor and let screaming neighbors run the show. The net effect of this failure was the "compromise" that was just reached in Noe Valley:
We are excited to report that of all the different ideas talked about over the past few months, Parklets on 24th Street have gained the most support in Noe Valley (a survey at the June 30th workshop, for example, demonstrated 3 to 1 support for this proposal). Parklets do not affect traffic circulation and instead use two parking spaces to build out a deck for landscaping, tables and chairs, and other pedestrian elements (see sfpavementtoparks.sfplanning.org for images of Parklets in other parts of town). If all goes to plan, we would like to add two Parklets along 24th Street this Fall. We will be working with the merchant community to identify the most suitable locations but it is important to note that these spaces will be open and free to use by anyone. As in all Pavement to Parks projects, these Parklets will be trial and closely monitored for success. If they do not work out, they will be removed.
So basically a bunch of whiny car drivers derailed what would have been a positive addition to Noe Valley. Instead, we'll get a place were people briefly hang out then move along (given my experience with the parklet on 22nd, it is not a comfortable space to spend any more time than it takes to eat a slice of pizza). Oh, and it will probably be removed when people complain about loosing parking spaces.
This is the second massive failure we're seen in the past 6 months from the Supervisor's office. He largely punted the Dolores Park renovation outrage and presided over another joke of a public meeting on that subject. Worst of all, he promised there would be a followup meeting in June to discuss planning for the Dolores Park renovations. That meeting never occurred.
A man who cannot control crowds and show leadership on important, divisive issues does not deserve to be our mayor. The fact he even considers himself qualified is shocking.
I applaud your self-esteem Bevan, but why don't you sit this one out so we don't have to endure another 4 years of incompetence.
Last week I was in Brooklyn and stumbled across Bond No. 9's latest scent "Brooklyn.'" The Brooklyn perfume consists of a combination of grapefruit, cardamom, cypress-wood, geranium leaves, juniper berrie, cesarwood, leather and guaiacwood, (wtf is that?) and for a mere $220 you can actually "smell like" Brooklyn. Don't really know where they came up with this weird ass combo to encapsulate the scent of the "edgy metropolis." To me Crooklyn smells like wasted youth and decaying bodies but, I guess that really isn't marketable.
If San Francisco's neighborhoods were bottled up into different perfumes, what would these neighborhoods smell like? And what is the price you'd have to pay to smell like them?
Mission: Taco trucks, piss, cheap beer, expensive coffee, trustafarians. Price: One call to your parents to please, please, please let you use daddy's Amex one more time.
Haight: Drum circles, midwestern runaways that didn't get the memo that punk is dead (see: dirt, b.o., and dreadlocks), bong loads, DMT. Price: Panhandle for 48 hrs straight and pray some unwitting tourists feel bad for your 3 dogs.
Marina: The scent of entitlement, hair product, fake tanner, axe body spray, shame, chest bumps! Price: The cost of running for mayor.
Tenderloin: Crack, garbage, meth, cheap blow jobs (see: rotting teeth), poor life decisions. Price: Eagerness to give cheap blow jobs.
Noe Valley: Upwardly mobile snobbery, babies, french bulldogs (read: shit), the new car smell. Price: Raising 2 kids, paying for private school, a vasectomy
Sunset: Isolation, depression, pseudo suburbia. Price: Moving anywhere else in the city
Castro: Rainbows, unicorns, leather daddy's leather, lube. Price: An evening at Boy Bar.
Chinatown: fish, lost tourists, the dirty 30, dumpsters. Price: Shitting yourself.
North Beach: Pizza! bros, day old strippers. Price: One lap dance.
If you have anymore ideas go ahead and throw them into the comments, and if you want to add anymore neighbs that I didn't cover, i.e. Pac Heights (I'm not sure what rich smells like) go ahead and do it.
Somedays should really be kicked off with frosting and today was one of those days. Since I have spent about as much time in Noe Valley as a jungle in Panama, I figured a little urban exploring would be a good way to feed myself. Worth it, even though I think I broke a sweat ascending 23rd.
Also, their quiche? Delicious.
(link)
I figured that because it was Memorial Day weekend, I would take a trip somewhere new. Somewhere like Noe Valley. Totally crashed a BBQ in which featured people mixing Four Loko with Cook's between shots of tequila, a crazy cats digging holes in the garden and a goddamn hen-house full of real life hens just cluckin' and diggin'. Fascinating! That said, the highlight of the trip west was the sass the roommates left for each other all over the house. Between Four Loko, champagne, sass and and sampling of Akon tracks, I'm pretty certain Noe Valley gays are my spirit animal.
Previously on Uptown Almanac
Broke Ass Stuart has word about some ridiculous thing called heavy metal aerobics. I have news for Broke Ass Stuart, HEAVY METAL AEROBICS ALREADY EXISTS AND IT'S CALLED (jazz hands!) JAZZERCISE! (jazz hands!) and folks, it is the bomb.
JAZZERCISE! takes place in Noe Valley, where I used to live (SO SUE ME). I found out about it because I'd walk by on my way home from the El Farolito. You see, the hill from Church to Dolores is least steep at 22nd so even though I lived at 24th and Church, I would actually go two whole flat blocks out of my way to endure a less dramatic hill. I am your new hero.
Anyway, one day as I am walking home, I noticed the sweet sounds of a 92.7 KGAY (RIP) dance party coming from the elementary school at 22nd and Chattanooga. I decided to investigate and what I walked into was something I'll never forget. A large group of sassy gay dudes, super fit 80 year-old ladies (you know the kind... from behind you're like "oooh...hot 20-year-old" and then they turn around and you're all "I'M NOT READY TO DIE!"), and an odd assortment of misfits doing their funky thing to the sweet sounds of Destiny's Child. It was JAZZERCISE! and I had found My People.
I decided to join because HELLO IT'S MOTHERFUCKING JAZZERCISE! and it's the best decision I've ever made. Pretty soon I was OBSESSED. I grapevined to the copy machine, I sashay into staff meetings, I SINGLE SINGLE DOUBLED TO THE WATER COOLER. Jazzercise might have to file a restraining order against me because I love it so much, I might kill it. For all of you who think that JAZZERCISE! is for 300 pound grandmas and quadriplegics, you are wrong. I challenge you to attend one JAZZERCISE! class and live to tell tale. If the class doesn't kill you, I will. I hate to be made a liar.
Classes are $12 but they offer all sorts of deals, like $44/month unlimited if you sign up for automatic deduction from your bank account and I do that because I never have any clue what's happening with my bank account. You could basically steal my identity and become me and I might find out by accident in like ten years when I run into you and you're me.
Needless to say, I will be jazzercising my ass into a size 00. 78 pounds or BUST! I'll know I have succeeded when you have to hook me up to an IV to feed me life sustaining liquid I'LL RIP IT OUT, I WILL.
the rich get richer. And freakier. You know all those old pervs and sammy hagars (LAURA THAT'S THE SAME THING) in Mill Valley are alllllll over this. Also, it'll be a nice spa alternative to the vacant-eyed stroller moms who wander the streets all day looking for a reason to live/work off the calories from their lettuce wrap.
Also, I believe the gauntlet has been THROWN, Noe Valley. Your move.
Thanks, (!?)Tyler Florence?!
Noe Valley SF, a "hyper-local guide ... With Attitude," has curated a fantastic list of SF Gate comment quotes about that place up the hill.
...the only reason why Noe gets a bad rap is that unlike most of SF, it actually has kids. I'll agree with other posters that the bigger problem in Noe is dog poop--and the lack of parking spaces at Whole Foods!
Life is hard.
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