Muni, BART & Getting the Fuck Around

KTVU Discovers Video of Man Smoking Crack on the N Judah, Forgets How to Report the News Amongst the Excitement

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

A man was caught smoking crack on Muni and Conan O'Brien's haircut is NOT HAPPY.

As you might recall from yesterday morning, we posted a video of a dude smoking crack on Muni that was sent to us by an Uptown reader who unfortunately has to ride the N Judah to get to and from work.  Now, I personally didn't really find the video that shocking considering there isn't a day that passes that I don't see someone doing drugs in the street, so I figured I'd just be an ass and instruct people how to properly hold their iPhone while recording video.  Here's the thing: KTVU thought this was a BIG FUCKING DEAL. In fact, they sent some poor bastard to report live from location:

“Ken, what are the latest developments in crack usage on Muni?

Reporter Ken Wayne apparently spent a better part of the afternoon interviewing N Judah riders who weren't there, asking them what they thought about the video:

YouTube commenters in real life: unleashing a myriad of evils upon the earth.

KTVU then goes on to dedicate a good portion of their segment to talking about why everyone standing around the video didn't do anything, even getting an official response from Muni.

You'd think with all the effort KTVU has dedicated to this story, they would have tried to get some eyewitness accounts from the scene, right?  Nope.  They didn't contact the person who uploaded the video to YouTube (me), nor the person who sent us the video (who is pretty easy to track down on Twitter).  Instead, they just talked to a bunch of randoms on the street, who didn't really have much to say.

So why didn't all the bystanders do anything, such as notify the driver or call the police?  From the person who sent us the video: “He was asking all of the girls around them if they were DTF.  Everyone was dying laughing at him.”

Live from the N Judah, ladies and gentlemen, it's KTVU News at 10.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

N Judah Drives Man to Smoke Crack, Uptown Reader Forgets How to Hold iPhone

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

I realize the N Judah is quite possibly the most infuriating, crowded, slow, and self-medication demanding form of public transportation in the world, but there is absolutely no excuse for not knowing how to hold an iPhone while shooting video.

To assist us in this simple “How to hold and iPhone while recording video” tutorial, I've enlisted our 4 o'clock hour college dorm-room buddy, SpongeBob:

In the first photo, SpongeBob is hanging out in Dolores Park amongst the endless fields of flowers and skies of butterflies we've come to enjoy on a daily basis.  Unfortunately, SpongeBob has downed a 40 of Olde English and smoked half a bag of grass, so he is shooting video vertically.  SpongeBob should be shot.

In the second photo, SpongeBob is 'shredding mad trail' on his mountain bike.  Of course, he's riding no handed so he can record some sick youtubes of his adventure.  SpongeBob should win an Oscar.

Folks, crackheads will always be crackheads, but we San Franciscans can come together to teach people how to properly hold their iPhones.

Happy "Hipster Thursday" guys!

— By Zach Perkins |

This happened.

Excuse me while I shiver alone in the dark and process this for awhile…

The following screenshots are taken directly from the email that I, and undoubtedly the entire Mission has now received from Uber, a towncar taxi service that uses an iPhone dispatching app. The content was not edited in any way. They really wrote this and distributed it, probably with the belief that it was a good idea.  The entire writing staff of Uptown could spend an entire weekend addressing this, line by line.  Every sentence warrants commentary and satire. But of course I, like everyone else, was so completely and utterly shocked that I just had to post it in its entirety and inadvertently aid in their marketing…  

Maybe they thought they were being ironic. But if their goal was to appeal to 'MIssion hipsters' through irony, they failed.  The whole thing just shows a complete lack of understanding of the demographic's sensibilities. All 'ZOMG they dont kno whut a hipstar is!' nonsense aside, this is still only $5 off of a ride that they would charge you about $45 for. No iPhone dispatch app is worth that. Just get a cab.

(Thanks UberCab, way to jump the shark)

Finally, a 49 I actually want to ride

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Okay okay, maybe you cannot ride a painting (or can you?), but Andy Stattmiller's “Take a ride on the 49…” is perfect.  From the overweight person sitting in a motorized wheelchair at 16th & Mission, to the tagger atop of Farolito, to the painter covering tags at 29th and Mission, and all the crackheads and street people in between, he pretty much nailed every character you see along the route.  Good work, sir.

$2100.  On sale now at Fabric8.

Can I Get One of These?

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

I thought I was satisfied riding my bicycle around San Francisco until I set my jealous eyes on what the Sheriff of Alameda County gets to drive around.  I mean, it's a fucking tank.

Yeah America!  Whut what!

Mission Rioters Defeated By Muni

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Presumably high off the thrill of climbing atop of a firetruck on 22nd, people decided to storm the roof of a 14 Mission.  Within minutes, a soberish bystander climbed up the bus and individually talked everyone down since, you know, being blitzed on top of an electric bus is a pretty good way to get yourself killed.

After being talked off the roof, I figured people would move onto more noble pursuits like throwing 40ozs at police, but instead people just pried open the bus doors to take it over.  The driver threw up her hands and walked to the sidewalk as the guys stormed the bus.  With the driver off the side, Nikola Tesla sitting up front tried to start the engine.  Again, not very smart considering the entire reason the bus got stuck here in the first place was the power was cut.

After a few minutes of people faux-fulfilling their dreams of being a bus driver, they realized the bus wasn't going anywhere.  Still without any measurable success in a fight against an inanimate object, some guys were just like “fuck it, let's burn it!”  So a couple of guys lit the box on fire and tossed it under the middle of the bus.  Of course, that didn't work out so hot either, and after a few squabbles with bystanders not interested in burning the bus, the fire department showed up and pretty much put an end to the fight against a 14 Mission.

And with the police advancing, I walked down the street where another bus sat abandoned by its driver.  Inside the bus, two men sat waiting patiently to get a ride home, completely unamused by the happenings outside their window.  What a difference a block makes.

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