Eats and Beers

Gestalt Haus Stepping It Up

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

A while ago, I sort of fell out of love with Gestalt Haus.  Don't get it twisted: Murph is still peaced out, their supply of sauerkraut remains sketchy, the DJ booth still awkwardly switches from LL Cool J to Joy Division, they are less apt to pour beers in liters, and the old bike rack location remain some awkward lounge area.  But, damn, their bathroom snowmen are fucking tops and they are now one of the rare places in San Francisco that has Big Buck Hunter.  Believe you me, anyone who has ever lived in a town of with more dogs than people is truly baffled by the lack of a solid hunting games in San Francisco.  Nothing say “Friday Night” like paying $2.50 to 'bust shots' into big horn sheep while guzzling lackluster American Light beer for two bucks.  It's a great way to work out some of that vegetarian angst.

Also, who doesn't love staring at a giant dog while pissing?

Must all of Excelsior be so full of disappointments?

— By Brizz |

First Joe’s Cable Car, where we got gang-raped with a $54 tab on two dry and flavorless cheeseburgers, fries, onion rings, and some sodas. Then the biggest let down of them all:

Pissed Off Pete’s, you should be the greatest bar in this city. You have the greatest name of a bar I have ever seen, maybe, but you are not living up to it. You should be dirty. Your bathroom should be a health hazard. There should be a man yelling obscenities, un-ironic trucker hats, a mid-afternoon stabbing, a plethora of Bukowskis bellied up to the bar, cigarette smoke, a TV with rabbit ears, someone should have threatened me as soon as I walked in. You have let me down, Pissed Off Pete’s. You have let me down with your cleanliness and your friendly bartender, your LCD TVs and your internet juke box. You will have an opportunity to redeem yourself on the Excelsior Bar Crawl I am organizing, stops including Coco’s, Pass Time, Broken Record and more.

Food Bullshit

— By Serg |

Yeah Mr E and his brother Victor battled it out with douchef extrodinar bobby flay (never trust a man with a y at the end of  his name). Anyways if you want to get drunk with these dudes there is a viewing party at Milk Wednesday night with a grip of djs and free food. Replay is on at 10 but you can get fat all night long.

featuring
TRIPLE THREAT DJS
APOLLO * VINROC * SHORTKUT

JAH WARRIOR SHELTER HI-FI
JAH YZER - I-VIER - IRIE DOLE

LOCAL 1200 - PST’s
SAKE ONE

MASSIVE SELECTOR
DJ PROOF

DISTORTION 2 STATIC’S
HAYLOW * PRICE ARIES

alongside ALL STARS
MIKE NICE * MARK CLARIN * DJ EL-S

@ MILK 1840 Haight St.
9PM-1:45AM
NO COVER

Cocktail Classes to PLEASE YOUR MAN!

— By Laura B |

 Ladies, gather round. From 7x7 (again with the 7x7 bashing! What can I say? They can’t do anything right. 7x7’s mom shoulda had an abortion LAURA OMG):

 

That’s right, learn about drinks that GUYS LIKE. Guys like whiskey, aged run and anejo tequilla. Man, I’ve been really fucking up over here, trying to woo dudes with Pina Coladas and shit. Also, I’m curious, what is the masculine side of cockails? Are we gonna meet cocktails with penises? Or who are day traders? I’m so confused.

BEST PART?

That’s right, this all takes place right before the Rocket Dog Rescue fundraiser that Uptown Almanac is bartending at. Expect some epic pictures on the blog tomorrow. SO EXCITED.

Uptown Almanac Bartending At Elixir Wednesday @ 11pm FOR PUPPIES

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Rocket Dog Rescue, some group that saves puppies, is having a fundraiser this Wednesday at Elixir (3200 16th Street @ Guerrero) and they asked a bunch of internet dorks to be ‘celebrity bartenders’ for the night, indicating that they don’t quite comprehend the term “celebrity.”  Regardless, dogs need to be rescued, so Brizz and I will be serving up cirrhosis of the liver from 11pm-1am.  We’ll also make out with any ‘sexy thangs’ that donate $40 dollars to puppies and/or play any track from Trick Daddy’s www.thug.com on the jukebox.

Buffalo Girls Are BACK

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Now that the Weird Fish seitan receipe is open source, some of us got together to give it a spin.  In spite of the fact it took me an entire Handsome Boy Modeling School disc to clean up the imminent grease fire from my stove, this shit is totally worth it.

Anyways, we have $47 worth of this shit in sitting my fridge and it is causing me to treat my otherwise cold beer like Palestinian refugees.  Any vegans kids hosting a Super Bowl party?

Drinks Are On Fresno

— By Kate Horton |

Big ups to Fresno, California! As if being the birthplace of the original Popozao, Kevin Federline, wasn’t enough, you can now add the illustrious title of “Drunkest City In America” to your list of stunning achievements!

San Francisco, on the other hand? You placed a pathetic 86th. This is me twirling my cocktail, exhaling slowly, and shaking my head at you with disgust.

If we just apply ourselves people, I know we can do better next year! Fresno should never be allowed to be number one at anything except for producing popstar marrying backup dancers, soul-sucking mediocrity, and meth heads. Oh and probably crops or some bullshit like that. 

 

these three are crazy wasted.

 

(Full list of shitfaced and not so shitfaced cities here)

 

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