Dolores Park

Why Does Dolores Park Smell Like Shit Right Now?

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

If you've braved the dick-shrinkingly cold weather and gone to the park over the past few days, you might have noticed a rotting-egg-mixed-with-burrito-fart odor emanating from the playground lately.  I had just assumed it was one of those football-sized rats that live in the park dead and decaying in the corner of the park, but Twitter has some alternative theories:

The breakdown: fertilizer, compost, manure, “the construction,” and now there's cockroaches.

[Photo by Alex Chaffee]

It's Always Cold Beer Weather in Dolores Park

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Our buddy John, whose Friday afternoon is clearly way better than ours, just sent us a pic of Dolores Park's PBR sasquatch out in the wild.  In December.  Which begs the question: if Cold Beer Cold Water comes out of his hole and sees a suntanning stoner, does it mean we're going to get an early spring?

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Good News Regarding that Giant Hole in the Middle of Dolores Park

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

From the Friends of Dolores Park Playground:

We have exciting news to share. The big hole dug in June is now being transformed into a world-class playground at Dolores Park! The project is 50% complete and on track for a grand re-opening this Spring.

A lot of what's been accomplished to date - new irrigation lines, boulder walls, and concrete footings, is in preparation for what's ahead. The really fun stuff will start showing up soon, including a 30-foot super slide, an overlook bridge, and a granite climber. We are excited about the progress and are confident the new Helen Diller Playground will be a great addition to Dolores Park.

30-foot super slide! That's almost enough to make up for how bummed everyone (rightly) felt about losing those damn rickety chain swings and the sandy swamp beneath 'em.

[Also, check out their slideshow of renovation photos for a timelapse of sorts of the project]

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Epic Hater Charges Lavish Underachievers $30 to Quietly Judge Hipsters in Dolores Park

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Vayable is a website in which qualified and unqualified people alike sell “tours” of various urban experiences—tours such as being homeless for 24 hours in the Tenderloin, or riding a longboard through Berkeley.  Think of it as an OkCupid for people who want to have 2-6 hours of awkward conversation with a stranger that doesn't result in sex.

Well, now said tours have made their way to the Mission and its sloping mating grounds, Dolores Park.  But the tours of Dolores aren't being offered up by people who 'get' the park.  Oh no.  Take the $30 and two-hour-long “I Came, I Drank, I Judged”:

Do you ever notice that on a beautiful Indian Summer afternoon, all the beautiful people come out and play? I don't. I'm fairly certain that the reason why Dolores Park is so popular on the weekends is that it's a wonderful place to go when you need a boost in self-esteem.

Feeling like an underachiever? Look at those kids slacklining - someone tell them there's no real world application for that BS. Feeling frumpy? Everyone is in hoodies and one-size-too-tight leggings. Feeling retarded? There's always someone who's high on a mystery and acting acting retarded-er. It's the perfect place to people watch, and more importantly, judge to your heart's content.

I'll bring some wine and cheese and teach you how to pair them, as we judge the hipsters around us - because everyone knows that Confucius said, “Judging is best done when you're stuffing your face and getting drunk.” So come out to the park, we'll imbibe, we'll indulge, and we'll JUDGE the crap out of everyone sitting nearby.

For: People that want to partake in wine and cheese… and judge those hipsters in the park.

Cost Includes: Wine in a red cup. Red wine. This is california. We drink full bodied pinots. Get a little culture will ya? Sheesh. Also, Cheese. I'll be bringing a blanket.

I take issue with almost all of this—mainly that smug tour guides give everyone who downs wine and cheese in the park a bad name.  And what kind of bullshit is that?  There's nothing I love more than cruising by the park after a long day of summertime work and enjoying a nice jug of Carlo Rossi while sucking the nitrous out of cans of Easy Cheese.

But it goes beyond that: if everyone goes to the park to boost their self-esteem, then what does that say about you and the guy who's violently jacking-off under a blanket sitting next to you?  You go to the park and belittle 'frumpy' girls just to feel better about yourself; meanwhile, the dude with his goddamn gear in one hand and the meth pipe in the other is plenty happy with his life and those girl's—including, coincidentally, your—looks.  Has this semen-spewing lunatic found the secret to love and happiness amidst an ocean of depression, unemployment, and chunky thighs?  Or is this tour just being offered up by some sad sack who can only get people to hang out with them in Dolores Park by masquerading as a tour guide?

You can draw whatever conclusion you'd like, but what I'm saying here is you'd be better off spending that $30 on a bag of crystal and a bottle of Jergens.

[Photo by Josefine Karlsson]

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Final Community-Driven Dolores Park Renovation Plan Unveiled

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

The five-month-long community planning and design phase of the Dolores Park Renovation project, which aimed to bring neighbors and actual park users together to produce a comprehensive, consensus renovation plan, recently wrapped up, producing the above plan for the park.  Dolores generally looks the same: the tennis courts will remain in the same location, the off-leash dog play areas will not be relocated or diminished in size, and almost all the trees and grass will still be there when the project is all said and done. However, there are some changes that will made when the 16-month renovation project kicks off next October:

  • The high corner of the park at 20th and Church (you know, the corner with the view) is going to be completely overhauled.  The three avocado trees will be cut down, a new tree planted, and the corner will be refreshed with a new plaza made of “decorative paving and benches” covering the grassy overlook.
  • The nauseating bathroom building that sits in the middle of the park will be leveled, replaced by grass and a “tai chi plaza,” where park-goers can presumably practice tai chi in the tranquil company of thousands of people chowing down on weed cookies.
  • Tallboy Terrace won't be seeing an astroturf soccer field, which soccer proponents originally lobbied for.  Instead, everyone's favorite summer weekend hangout spot will receive two “unstriped and unlit” multi-use fields “for events and sports,” constructed with “special drainage and irrigation to sustain high use.”  (Read: the landscaping will be designed in such a way that that portion of the park will, hopefully, not be an unusable mud pit for half of the year.)  There's still no word as to how the Rec. & Park will deal with the inevitable usage conflict that will arise between uppity soccer moms and everyone else, but it has been suggested that the field will be limited for soccer play to weekdays between 4-6pm only.
  • “Hipster Hill” will see a transformed off-leash dog play area, complete with a “drinking fountain, bag dispensers, trash receptacles” and “marked by signage [explaining the rules and boundaries of the dog play area] at corners.”
  • The 19th Street entrance plaza will be made ADA complaint, with the bell being moved closer to the sidewalk.
  • The giant stretch of grass between the playground, Muni tracks, present-day bathroom building, and central walkway will have an updated dog-play area, being fenced off from the rest of the park with a “low fence and backless bench border.”
  • A new, ten-foot-wide concrete path (6 feet of concrete and 2-foot-wide “cobble shoulders”) will snake through the park.
  • As previously reported, a bike polo court will be built adjacent to tennis courts, the 19th St. Muni stop will be demolished, and two new bathroom buildings will be constructed.
  • Notably absent: there will be no mobile food court within the park proper, as Supervisor Scott Weiner is working on having the taco trucks moved to the curb.

From here, urban planners, city officials, and Rec. & Park staffers have three months to butcher the community plans, followed by the unveiling of the finalized “Rehabilitation Plan” in February.  Construction is still slated to begin in October 2012, which means we still have 11 months before the rest of San Francisco is forced to discover just how rad of a place Precita Park is.

In the meantime, here are the full-size community-driven designs:

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Painting Dolores Park

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Artist Paul Madonna discusses his latest work, a 40-foot mural depicting the San Francisco cityscape as seen from Dolores Park, which will be unveiled IRL later this month inside Valencia Street's forthcoming Tacolicious location.

In the meantime, if you haven't checked out some of the preliminary visuals of the work, be sure to do that.

[via Grub Street]

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Dolores Park's Cookie Dude Joins General Strike

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

And he was committed!  I was, like, hungry and shit after smashing the state all morning; so I walked up to him holding a five, half expecting him to unzip that middle finger to unveil a secret tank-top pouch full of freshly-baked oatmeal raisin cookies.  No dice!

Horrific Dolores Park Bathroom Building to be Demolished

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

You only have a few more months to cash in your friend's $100 “standing offer” to crap in Dolores Park's notoriously-inviting powder room, because when the park renovations are all wrapped up, the clubhouse will be little more than a nice patch of grass.

From what I'm told, it was a rare moment of neighborhood consensus—80% of the park neighbors voted to level the allegedly 'historic' building.  The neighbors had already approved two new bathroom buildings for the park (one by the 18th and Church Muni stop and another by the playground) and figured it wasn't worth saving the relatively useless structure and the hundred years of human shit caked to its sad walls.

Connie Chan, Rec & Park's Deputy Director of Public Affairs, sent us a one sentence statement on what's next:

The community has overwhelmingly voted to remove the clubhouse, which will be reflected in the final concept plan, and will go through an environmental review process with SF Planning Dept.

I have no idea what most of that means, but I understand that “environmental review process” is synonymous with “it takes five years to do anything, so don't count your chickens.”

Anyway, I sincerely hope we get to pay our final respects to the building that has somewhat served our need for a quite place to fuck around with needle drugs in some spectacular funeral pyre.  Ed Lee can hose down the building with napalm while the denizens of Dolores Park silently stand around the building, Tecates in hand, breathing the asbestos-filled smoke.  And just as the building begins to smoulder, Cold Beer Cold Water will emerge from the crowd, lifting a boombox over his head, and begin playing November Rain.

It'll be sweet as hell.

[Photo by Melissa Marie]

Dealing With Dogs in Dolores Park

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

As you may or may not know, the little slice of Dolores Park irritatingly known as “Hipster Hill” is currently home to an off-leash dog area, granting people the legal right to let their mongrels frolic in the grass and maul lesser dogs.  Not that any of that really matters right now: the entire park is a de facto off-leash dog play area.  Besides, no one really wants play fetch among hundreds of lolling picnickers anyway.

Well, the on-going park renovations will bring us an updated layout of designated usage areas with increased signage explaining the rules and boundaries, and the revised off-leash dog play area is smack in the middle of Tecate and bowls ground zero.

Okay, so what?

Well, a new dog play area means new amenities, and some of the proposed features of the forthcoming Cool Kid Dog Park include benches, paths, dog fountains, and, almost certainly, signage along the boundaries of the dog area designating it as such.

Alex Chaffee, who describes the plan as “horrifying,” breaks it down:

The biggest problem with that area is that it's already claimed by the hipsters! If [Dolores Park Renovation Steering Committee] comes out with plans that have paths or benches or boulders or dog fountains or even signs smack in the middle of the most trafficked, most used part of the park, then the conversation will immediately turn into a loud, public fight pitting dog owners against hipsters (with onlookers cheering and jeering at all parties). […]

It makes no sense to put foci for two incompatible activities in the same spot. That's an inevitable recipe for conflict between two otherwise harmonious uses of the park. But sadly, the current north field dog area plan does just that.

And unlike most people who like to bitch without proposing solutions, Alex has an idea for how to remedy the situation:

The current Dolores Park plan has an off-leash area in the North-East corner of the park, directly covering Hipster Hill. This is arguably the worst possible place to have a dog area. Instead, we should put a dog area along the North-West edge, which would be safer, easier to maintain, and less likely to lead to conflicts. […]

I propose we remove a section of the current sidewalk path (going from the Muni stop up the hill to the steps just north of the bridge). This will compensate for the addition of a 10' wide path right nearby by regaining green lawn.

The removal of the straight path will improve traffic through the park by encouraging strollers to meander along the ADA path.

Alex has a lot more to say about the issue and explains more thoroughly what an alternative DP dog park could look like.  He encourages people to attend Thursday's renovation meeting in support of the project, which, being honest, we already know you won't (they're boring anyway, but the complimentary cookies are tasty as all hell).  However, if you want to show your digital support or opposition, there's a comment form at the bottom of both this post and his proposal.

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