Dolores Park

You Don't get to 500 Million Friends Without Standing in Line for the Bathroom

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Who wasn't in the park this weekend?  Even the billionaire boy-king of the internet turned up this weekend, presumably to reconnect with the masses and spend his fortunes on a lifetime supply of truffles and SpongeBob popsicles. And while this registers as a “meh” on the celebrity-sighting scale, he is pretty much the most famous person to ever squander a beautiful afternoon in the best 14 acres of grass this city has to offer.

UPDATE: Proof, via SFist:

[Twitter]

Dolores Park Renovations Means Half the Park Will Be Closed For 1.5 Years

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

The city unveiled their planned schedule for the Dolores Park Renovations last night, and, unfortunately, we're going to have to give up a half of the park in two phases starting in February 2013 and ending way down the road in July 2014.

Here's their schedule:

  • Sept. 2012: Prep work phase construction begins
  • Dec. 2012: Prep work phase construction completion
  • Jan. 2013: RPD Commission awards construction contracts for Phase 1 & 2
  • Feb 2013: Phase 1 [the southern half of the park from 19th to 20th streets, including the clubhouse, the Fruit Shelf, picnicking areas, and the dog park] construction begins
  • Aug. 2013: Phase 1 construction substantial completion
  • Sept 2012: Phase 2 [the northern half from 18th and 19th streets, including the tennis courts, Tallboy Terrace and Hipster Hill] construction begins
  • July 2014: Phase 2 construction substantial completion

So starting in September, we're going to be sharing the park with heavy machinery and security guards for two long years.  How this will effect our daybeers and truffle economy remains to be seen.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

New Rentable Park Ranger Keeps You From Enjoying the New Dolores Park Playground

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

There's a new sheriff in town and he's keeping you off the swings.

After all that vandalism that got our favorite TV journalist all upset, the city went and rented a security guard to keep the hooligans and curious children alike out of the playground.  And while this might seem like a horrible bummer and a tragically necessary expense added to our city's strained budget, he's proving to be really good at fetching the frisbees that fly over the fence.

Worlds Most Amazing Voice Covers "Delores" Park Graffiti

— By Alissa |

I only made it 7 seconds into this video before I busted up laughing. How is this man's voice real?! There is no way that he is not trolling himself here. Vandalism is a big problem in Dolores Park, but don't worry guys, we arrested one tagger so everything is cool now - your tax dollars will now be spent prosecuting someone for a totally victimless crime rather than on graffiti prevention.

“It's a shame that we can't have anything nice because some idiot likes to tear things up.” - Stanley Roberts, KRON Channel 4 News.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Cold Beer Cold Water Launches Bicycle Delivery Unit

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Note: a previous version of the post insinuated CBCW stole the bicycle.  That was 100% a joke that didn't go over a well.  Our apologies for any confusion.

Everyone's favorite surly bartender is now taking a new bike and using it to zip between Dolores and Mission bodegas, making our $3 PBRs just that much colder when they reach our lips.  And while this is cool and all, I can't help but wait for the day he starts dressing like a PCP-addled Hells Angel and slings beer from the back of a sputtering hog.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Dolores Park Already Spoken For

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Remember the good ol' days when two swooning sweethearts would take a hunting knife and carve their love right into the trunk of tree?  Just two young lovers drunk off soda pop and methamphetamines putting their love before nature.  A beautiful act, really.

We can only hope that when the flame between this idealistic vandal and Sweet Miss Dolores Park burns out, they break up in a more traditional way.  Like writing SLUT in herbicide across Hipster Hill.

[Photo by Citizens of the World]

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Dolores Park Now a Giant, Nasty Sandbox

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

According to reader Jay B., the city is out in Dolores Park leveling the field, which I guess is good for people who like to run around and stuff, but a mess for everyone else.  Jay notes:

Better warn the horde to bring something to sit on when the sun comes back out. It's nasty, sandy loose dirt.

At least we can easily hurl globs of dirt at drum circles now?

Blue Velvet Meets Real Life

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

The other day I witnessed what could possibly be the best real life adaptation of Blue Velvet ever accidentally performed:

Counter Guy: Sorry James, we don't sell singles of Heineken, only Corona.

Cold Beer, Cold Water: Well too bad, I need a Heineken for a customer.

CG: Okay, five bucks.

CBCW: Five bucks?! Come on man…

CG: Why don't you just buy the six pack and sell the rest?

CBCW: Are you kidding me?! No one in the park wants to drink a fucking Heineken.

After another minute of arguing and watching the counter guy trying to put the Heineken back in the cooler, James ended up paying the $5 demanded for the single bottle.  That's what I call service.

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