Free Donuts on National Donut Day... except in San Francisco?

 

Today is National Donut (or Doughnut, if you're fancy) Day, which wouldn't be all that exciting since almost every single day of the year honors some kind of food, but I got excited because Krispy Kreme and Dunkin' Donuts are getting in on the action! Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts (buyer's choice!) at participating locations, which was great when I thought I remembered a Krispy Kreme at Pier 39 from childhood field trips, and sad when I looked at their site and they said the nearest location was in Daly City—1575 Sullivan Ave., to be exact. Dunkin' Donuts is requiring a little more monetary effort on your part, and will only let you wrench a free donut from their grasp once you cough over enough for an iced coffee. I thought surely, there had to be a Dunkin' in SF but nada! zilch! America may “run on Dunkin,” but apparently San Francisco only runs on over-priced brunches, fog, and a loathing for public transportation. What gives with the lack of donut chains in SF? Are independent donut purveyors slanging out free deliciousness? Dynamo at least acknowledges the holiday, but doesn't seem to be jumping on the free donut express. If you know of anywhere spreading their sugary fried holes of love fo' free, holler in the comments section.

If the City Really Cared About the Environment / Cleaning Up Dolores Park, They Wouldn't Make You Brown Bag It

Last night a few of us wanted to get faded walking the length of Divis and decided that was a job properly handled by tallcans.  Of course, the packie was already out of properly sized bags so we had to use fullsize bags.  For fucksake, this is just ridiculous.  Look, I know we're protecting little children who only know Budweiser as “the thing daddy drinks before he hits mommy” and all, but is this really necessary.

  1. People are I am clearly going to drink in public regardless of whatever law you pass.
  2. It's an inexplicably useless waste of paper.
  3. Half the trash tumbleweeds in Dolores Park are brownbags that the recyclers toss to the ground after picking up peoples half-full beers. (Sorry to bring up the EVER PRESSING CONCERN of Dolores Park but this shit is lifeblood)

Anyways, since clearly a blog post isn't going to save the world, I thank you for listening to my rant.

Dodgers Fans Call it NOPA

Guys, I don't spend too much time up in the Western Addition/NOPA/the Land of the Lost because it requires me to bike up a 4-block gradual incline to get there.  The horror!  I wasn't aware that there was a class war / NorCal-SoCal debate surrounding the proper name of the neighborhood.  Someone care to properly fill me in?

Profiling Marina Residents

Marina residents, with their powerful appetite for alcohol and hair product, are the most agile species of homosapien found in San Francisco. The exact number of species that exists is a topic of debate, but scientists agree that there are either four or five distinct types. The most common found in nature are the shit-faced sororitute and the Ed Hardy.

Extremely expressive social creatures, Marina residents communicate with body gestures as well as with screeches, barks and whines that can be heard on Union St. as far away as Chestnut. Marina residents subsist primarily on ripened fruit, insects, birth control, Jägermeister and poultry, with marijuana cigarettes making up the remaining 20-30% of their diet. Fashion, sobriety and pregnancy are the animals’ only predators. Marina residents are quick and flexible, with a life span of roughly 27 years in the wild and 30 plus years in captivity.

These acrobatic primates demonstrate fission and fusion behavior: at night they bind together into one large unit of 20-40 individuals, but during the day they scour downtown in smaller groups of three to four. Scientists believe that this divide and conquer strategy allows all members of a community an equal opportunity to forage for marketing careers.

Females become sexually mature as early as age fourteen, while males are ready to mate at fifteen. They typically give birth to one offspring after a gestation period of nine months. Females breed year-round, delivering an infant to a Presidio dumpster yearly.  Unfortunately, invasive species from Washington D.C., threatens the native population.

(Editor's Note: this text is almost entirely adapted from a profile of Spider Monkeys in Costa Rica)