Hunky Jesus Competition

Jesus's Giant CRUCIFIX GUITAR For Sale on Craigslist! Sacrilege!

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

UA reader Doug hips to the fact Jesus just sold the fuck out and is selling the famed cross guitar that won this year's Hunky Jesus Competition.  From the Craigslist ad:

Handmade one-of-a-kind squareneck resonator crucifix guitar, hand-crafted and played by Funky Jesus, winner of the 2012 Hunky Jesus competition in Dolores Park. Own a piece of San Francisco history with this rare collectible and fully functional musical instrument.

Standing at an imposing 6'6” tall and about 4 feet wide, this guitar features a string-thru mahogany tailpiece, inlaid rosewood neck with 22 frets, gold tuners, and a 5.5'' spun steel resonator cone with redwood biscuit bridge. There's even a piezo pickup mounted at the apex of the cone, with a 1/4” female output on the back, so you can plug it into your amp.

The perfect addition to your next evangelical gathering, church choir practice, death metal show, or any religious/sacrilegious event.

Make offer. Trades for motorcycles & tube amps will be considered.

Uhhhhhh, Jesus?  I know we haven't talked in a while, but I have to ask you: what's more badass?  Motorcycle?  Or GIANT 6'6” FUCKING CRUCIFIX GUITAR?!  HELLO.

I'm listening to Appetite for Destruction right now dreaming of how ridiculous it'd be to be Slash with a GIANT CROSS.  Yeah, I'm picturing a Tartine-line-down-the-block line of chicks queuing up to get banged by you.  And you're trading it for what? A 1958 James Dean/Hell's Angels throwback to badassery?  Weak.  Weak dude.

Anyway, that's my bout of unchecked envy for the week.  Sorry you had to witness that.  And, Jesus, I'm kinda broke right now, but I have a pound and a half of uncooked basmati rice and a N64 with four working controllers if you wanna trade.  Call me!

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

The Best Part About the Hunky Jesus Contest is the Crowd

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Sure, the show on the stage had some real highlights this year, but the overall spectacle always seems to come up short when compared to the drunken pastel sideshow in the crowd.  For example, why wasn't there a Hunky Jesus nailed to a giant cross of Peeps?  Or perhaps a just a giant tanned Peep?  I could really go for a box of Peeps right now…

I digress.

Below, some highlights from the show outside the show:

Far and away my favorite outfit of the day, this guy made an assuredly uncomfortable suit out of stuffed bunnies.  I have no idea if this was inspired by Lady Gaga's frog outfit or not, but he wins style points for creativity, effort, and perseverance, regardless.

It's always nice when San Franciscans can come together and openly mock Jesus in the most stylist of ways.  Do they make this shirt in black?

Where did this guy come from?

The Sisters always manage to bring out the best in people's headwear (and I mean that in all seriousness).

Speaking of headwear, the crowd was so goddamn thick this year that dog owners were left with no choice but you hoist their pups above their heads and carry them.

Until next year…

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Rock 'n Roll Jesus Crushes Hunky Jesus Competition

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Skipping out on yesterday's Hunky Jesus Competition was a mistake because you missed this:

That's right, it's Jesus.  It's Jesus and he's playing a giant cross guitar.  With a flask of whiskey in hand.

As you might imagine, Rock n' Roll Jesus had the competition won before he even plugged his cross into the amp and started jamming.  Hell, I'm pretty sure he had it in the bag before he even set foot in Dolores Park.  But as any one of the 10,000 people in attendance can tell you, he lit up the entire place as soon as his divine fingers hit the strings.

The competition would have been wise to throw down their crosses in defeat right then and there and bow down to their superior, but the contest dragged on without a single suitable challenger emerging from the whole lot of abs and man thongs.  And as the race for second place came to a close, the air of inevitability gave way to triumph as Rock n' Roll Jesus was crowned 2012's Hunky Jesus, proving once and for all that all the gym memberships in the world won't make you as good lookin' as some guitar lessons.

UPDATE: Our friend Ben caught up with Rock n' Roll Jesus backstage (Jesus' La Lengua apartment) for a private demo of the cross guitar:

Previously on Uptown Almanac: