— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |
UA reader Doug hips to the fact Jesus just sold the fuck out and is selling the famed cross guitar that won this year's Hunky Jesus Competition. From the Craigslist ad:
Handmade one-of-a-kind squareneck resonator crucifix guitar, hand-crafted and played by Funky Jesus, winner of the 2012 Hunky Jesus competition in Dolores Park. Own a piece of San Francisco history with this rare collectible and fully functional musical instrument.
Standing at an imposing 6'6” tall and about 4 feet wide, this guitar features a string-thru mahogany tailpiece, inlaid rosewood neck with 22 frets, gold tuners, and a 5.5'' spun steel resonator cone with redwood biscuit bridge. There's even a piezo pickup mounted at the apex of the cone, with a 1/4” female output on the back, so you can plug it into your amp.
The perfect addition to your next evangelical gathering, church choir practice, death metal show, or any religious/sacrilegious event.
Make offer. Trades for motorcycles & tube amps will be considered.
Uhhhhhh, Jesus? I know we haven't talked in a while, but I have to ask you: what's more badass? Motorcycle? Or GIANT 6'6” FUCKING CRUCIFIX GUITAR?! HELLO.
I'm listening to Appetite for Destruction right now dreaming of how ridiculous it'd be to be Slash with a GIANT CROSS. Yeah, I'm picturing a Tartine-line-down-the-block line of chicks queuing up to get banged by you. And you're trading it for what? A 1958 James Dean/Hell's Angels throwback to badassery? Weak. Weak dude.
Anyway, that's my bout of unchecked envy for the week. Sorry you had to witness that. And, Jesus, I'm kinda broke right now, but I have a pound and a half of uncooked basmati rice and a N64 with four working controllers if you wanna trade. Call me!
Comments (2)
I love this picture!..Its the perfect epitome of who he really is!!..And I am an ordained minister!!..
Personally, I feel this instrument is amazing. The greatest part about it, is that you must play the cross inverted, hahahaaaaa. Maybe the next owner will open a portal into Hell, and Satan himself will come up here and rip some god damned brilliant, ear-bleeding solos. Those who witness this spectacle will be overwhelmed, and mesmerized. Then, they will be seemingly in a trance, and go on church burning rampages all over the world. Of course, the collection plates and “donation” boxes will all be salvaged. Then, maybe, just MAYBE the world will be a better place….
I’ll have a séance tonight to see if it will aid in the world-wide destruction of christianity.
Rape some goats, and eat some virgins too, and maybe even have some Lord Sauce.
It’s the savior of flavor, don’t sacrifice for anything less!