Crime

A One Way Ticket To Homicidal Cabbie Land

— By Erika Kali |

We've all been there — it's raining out, you have somewhere to go, your buddy doesn't want to ride bikes because of the aforementioned rain, so you sack up and hail a cab, prepared to fork over a mini-forturne for a short 10 block ride. This was the case last night as Shmindsay* and I hopped in a cab at 19th and Valencia on our way up to Cafe du Nord. Alas, this was not to be your a-typical cab ride; little did we know that behind the wheel was a cab driver with a serious anger management problem and a dislike for cyclists.

Granted, the cyclist did not have lights on his bike, and it was an honest accident. The cab driver came within centimeters of ending this cyclists life, and naturally, the cyclist was pissed. Words were exchanged between the driver and the cyclist, and then the unthinkable: THE CAB DRIVER SLAMS ON THE GAS AND TRIES TO RUN THE CYCLIST DOWN. The cyclist is screaming at the cabbie, we're in the backseat screaming at the cabbie, and he won't stop. The cyclist maneuvers himself next to the cab and takes a swing at the cab driver and connects. Now the cabbie is super pissed and tries to run him down again, this time by repeatedly throwing the car in reverse then forward again. At this point Shmindsay and I bail out of the cab by doing a barrel roll (literally) and watch the scene unfold. The cyclist is trying to get to the sidewalk out of harms way and the cabbie is still trying to run him over. All parties involved are screaming at each other, I'm frantically writing down license plate, cab number, anything I can get.

After about 5 minutes the cyclist is able to call the cops and the cab driver pulls to the other side of the road and presumably does the same. We stick around, give the cyclist our names and numbers to give to the cops, then decide to walk to rest of the way.

The moral of the story is never take cabs. If you do, ask to see their anger management certificate of completion/marijuana prescription.

*names have been changed to protect those who barrel roll out of moving cabs like a boss/rookie.

[Unrelated topical photo by Hal Bergman]

COLD BEER COLD WATER ARRESTED

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Prison bars are simulated (via MSpaint)

Outrage! At 12:54 on Saturday, Dolores Park icon James (aka “Cold Beer, Cold Water” aka “Cold Beer Dude” aka Dad?) was needlessly busted by The Man.  Seriously.

Joe Kowalke was on the scene and witnessed it all go down:

It was sunny and close to 80 degrees on Saturday and Dolores Park was packed. Cold Beer was maneuvering his way through the Fruit Shelf announcing what he had for sale - Cold Beer. Cops who were watching from atop the Shelf took note. They approached him and asked him to join them at the squad car double parked on 19th Street. He was handcuffed and taken away.

The same thing happened to a hippy girl selling Jell-O shots to raise funds for the upcoming AIDS Lifecycle.

SFPD priorities.

PD Bird (we're using birds as sources now? fuck) also chatted with James and got some details:

James came up to me and told me and showed me a citation to appear in court. “For sale PBR.”  He was pretty bummed, they walked up to him and told him to come with them, then cuffed him at car and took him to 17th, released with that citation.  I told him to maybe play it low, he said that he was going to just sell water.

Water? Fuck that shit.

But seriously, James has to be one of the most non-violent bartenders in the Mission.  And how many times has he saved our ass from a trek to the corner store when we're in a deep people-watching trance?

Are we really going to let this shit stand?

#FREECBCW

[Original Pic by Mission Mission]

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Trio of Brazen Badasses Boost Piece of Construction Equipment, Film the Joyride For Our Entertainment

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Jay sends us this blurred video (presumably so to protect the identities of the awesomely idiotic parties involved), noting:

I heard this Bobcat getting stolen last night from under my window at the end of Linda St. I was surprised SFMissionProtector wasn't on it cause it's the same jobsite where Bunny Boy got busted. Somebody found it up the road and incriminated themselves on YouTube. “Filming this crime spree is our best idea ever!”

The video (which I've since uploaded to my own YouTube acct, should the original be removed in a fit of better judgment) remarks:

Found this on Lapidge St. at 3 a.m. Took it to 18th. First time driver.

Another Mural Bites the Dust

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

First things started getting ugly in Clarion Alley in the fall, then 2012 hit and things really escalated with the entire 17th St. Mural getting trashed with vandalism, followed by the Mr. Bubbles sign, and then much of Sirron Norris' work.  Even Balmy Alley has seen many of its works ruined in the last month.

Well, according to DVTDY?, who photographed the above whitewashing following the vandalism, we can add the Alabama St. Mural to the body count.

What remains to be seen is if muralists will persist in painting despite the unrelenting destruction of their works.  The pair of artists interviewed last fall in Clarion Alley stated they had enough and were moving on from Clarion's once sought-after alley walls.  Is the age of murals of graffiti prevention done, to be replaced with horribly boring-yet-effective treasure map-esque lines?  We can only hope not.

[Top photo by Funston]

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Beauty Bar: "Beware of the Pickpockets"

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

If you're one of the few people with money that goes to Beauty Bar, a new sign screwed to the wall outside the joint warns of red men thieving the contents of purses.  Presumably, SFPD and the Entertainment Commission forced them to hang this after a string of recent thefts, as described by Yelp reviewer (argh) Issy V.:

Overall experience was just fine, although they seem to have a real problem with theft. Their solution was to remove the hooks under the bar counter, needless to say my bag got stolen right from under my feet. Although I was sitting on my stool the whole time. Don't think I'll go back there again.

Never go back? But what about Crazy Hip-Hop Mondays with The Kidz, Issy?

Residents Getting Bummed About Prostitution on Capp

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Years ago, Mission District prostitutes were simply known as “Capp Street Hookers” for their preferred blocks of rape limbo.  Then came a series of police crackdowns, which more-or-less made the situation manageable.  But now they're back in force, so says an unsigned petition created by “residents” located near the 20th and Capp hooker parklet:

We, residents of the Mission near the intersection of Capp and 20th streets, are very concerned by the sudden increase in prostitution in our neighborhood.

As you know, Capp Street was once a locus of organized prostitution, but the hard work of the police and the community put a stop to that intolerable situation years ago.

But now, suddenly, it is back — complete with other types of associated criminality, fighting and yelling in the streets, and trash.

We find it unacceptable that we are woken up at night by screaming hookers, that we are endangered by the reckless driving of their customers and associates, that we have to step over used condoms in the morning with our children, and that we feel a sense of menace when we are walking home at night.

Since this is a sudden and new blight in our neighborhood, a criminal enterprise operated by people who are not from the community, we believe it should be relatively easy to nip it in the bud: simply patrolling Capp street frequently—especially on Friday and Saturday nights—and establishing a visible police presence here will scare off potential customers and make our streets an unprofitable place to undertake prostitution. 

As a Capp St. resident, I haven't really noticed the problem getting any worse over the last few months (although I've certainly noticed it).  Are they just exaggerating the scene to get some condoms cleaned up, or is this really getting out of hand?

[Photo by Zara Evens]

A Friendly Message to Our Neighborhood Tweaker Meth-head Bike Thief Guy

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

There's been a “string of home invasion bike thefts lately” (a.k.a. garage break-ins) plaguing the La Lengua end of the Mission.  Now, from the looks of it, the thief has made his way up to the Inner Mission, prompting this one harassed garage owner at 23rd and South Van Ness to install two exterior padlocks and this lovely sign, thanking the thief, in advance, for ceasing his break-in attempts.

Anyway, if you've been suffering from break-in bike thefts lately and would like this sign for yourself, all you need is a cordless drill, a Phillips bit, and 30 seconds of your time.

"Welcome to Trendy, Urban, Hip SoMa: Would You Like to Purchase Some Real Estate?"

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

My friend, who lives on the corner of 11th and Folsom, had something quite unsavory go down outside her apartment late last night:

i heard a bunch of girls screaming outside. at first i thought they were just drunk, but it turns out they were drunk -and- watching somebody kick the shit out of their friend. the cops found her unconscious on the ground. the whole lot of them denied knowing who did it and stood around like donkeys while the EMTs tried to resuscitate the girl. some shirtless guy kept on shouting “how could you do this to me?” and was thrown into the back of a squad car.

welcome to trendy, urban, hip, soma. would you like to purchase some real estate?

Blantant Theft of Four Barrel's Boar Head Confirms Coffee Drinkers "Just Don't Give a Fuck"

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Photo by @fourbarrel

The laughing at the end of the video suggests this was some sort of April Fools' prank, although the video was uploaded to the You Tubes on March 31st.  No matter; the fact that a bunch of fancy coffee drinkers will literally just stand around as a bunch of dapper white dudes sporting ski masks climb a ladder and lift a dead beast of the wall, waiting for a barista to get involved, pretty much screams “open season on coffee shop artwork” amirite?

[h/t Mission Local]

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