Emilie Ridley is South African by way of Cape Cod. He attended Evergreen college in the late 70s, where he experimented with acid in a polygamist tribe before moving to San Francisco to open a biodegradable dog kennel business. He has been here ever since. This is his story…

This is concerned citizen Emilie Ridley here, bringing the community an update on the damages perpetrated by trespassing vandals in our neighbourhood.

This would-be Charles Burns dreams up a smashing, vile concept:  brats of the future have TWO mouths which shout “WOOO” in the night.

I ate sushi last Tuesday, except mine was not nearly as unpleasant as this supposedly artistic defecation. Since then I've gone vegan. Does your food have a face? 

Oh, this is a depiction of me? How lovely. I just drew a picture of you, in my hankerchief, with my bloody nostrils, you rot wankers.

Winos in San Francisco? I hadn't quite noticed.  Oh wait, the whole lot of you were sprawled retching on my porch this morning.

If it weren't bad enough with all the “WOO!”-ing, litter and awful smell, now those meddling kids are “gussying up” our walls with scribbles from their meaningless childhoods.

Next week, I'll take you on a disheartening tour into the depraved antics of so-called Saint Nicks.  A Merry Christmas, indeed.