Reader Rob Gray emailed in about an altercation yesterday in The Park:

there was this group of punk kids in the park getting fucking wasted while memorializing a broken skateboard. dudes were straight creeping on every girl that walked by yelling shit like “shake that ass!” and “come over here gurrll.” at one point, one of the dudes barrel-rolled down the hill and planted his face right on some girls lap saying “oh heyyyyy” like he was Barry White. you know, classy dudes.

well, you know that creepy dude that always hangs out under a blanket on tallboy terrace? suddenly, one of the punk dudes got all self-righteous and started yelling at him.  “Get the fuck outta here!”  “you better be gone by the time this cigarette is done!” so blanket dude left and the guy started putting a lighter to his blanket saying “we're going to burn his shit.” Then blanket guy came back 5 minutes later and start jacking off under his blanket again. so the punk dude pulls the blanket off the guy, who yelled “leave me alone, I just uncovered myself.”  who know wtf that meant. anyway, you could see it was a growing altercation. the one dude leading the crusade against blanket starts screaming “fuck this dude, i saw him looking at girls and jerking off the other day” and his buddy yelled back “you better not let him touch you, he was just jacking off!” so then blanket dude touches one of the punks, who then flips out and squares off to hit the dude.  Blanket snaps and starts yelling “I'm military police, leave me the fuck alone.” punk dude takes a giant swing, blanket ducks so the punk totally misses. the kid was completely mystified that he missed and kinda backed off as blanket started to leave the park. so the punk's friend yells “oh fuck that,” pushes his friend out of the way and clocks the blanket dude straight in the face. guy was bleeding pretty bad… face totally split open. all the punks were totally pleased with themselves, yelled at the guy “fuck you dude, take your jacking off bullshit to Valencia.”

after congratulating each other, they walked around from group to group bragging about it, hitting on girls, and soliciting props, as if they deserved some Dolores Park medal. just another day in the park…

This fight raises a bunch of questions, but most importantly, why is Valencia jacking-off safe zone?