SOMA

Sky Rat Hunter Tests New Laser-Based Weapon; Misses

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

The man behind Bluoz—a blog about homelessness, local music from the mid-90s, and San Francisco's bird population—recently had the brilliant idea/was sufficiently bored enough to experiment with a laser pointer and birds.  Turns out our SOMA sky rat population falls for the same tricks that dogs and cats fall for, generating an endless series of YouTubes and countless hours of productivity lost.

All that's left to do now is for someone to camp atop of Carlos Club at 24th and Mission with a laser pointer and camera and make the magic happen.

[Bluoz]

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Someone Finally Fulfilled My Dream of Knowing What a Squirrel Wearing Acorn Bling Would Look Like

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Not only do I now know that squirrels look pretty baller while rocking a “nutz” chain, but I can hang the portrait above my fireplace for a cool eight grand.

Anyway, this piece by Isabel Samaras is hanging on the wall of 111 Minna, so if you want to spend 2 months salary on a memepainting/look at the real thing and not a blurry photo of it, you know where to go.  Also, if you ever wanted to know what a squirrel wearing a chain while standing next to an old rapper wearing sexy librarian glasses and selling alcohol to minors looks like, we also have that covered.

Lots of Opportunities to Eat Pancakes This Weekend

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

If there's not enough starch and Aunt Jemima in your diet, this weekend is full of opportunities to reverse your dietary misfortune and crush some stacks of flour.  First up is Friday's “Pancakes & Booze,” a cheap ($5!) all-you-can-eat pancake bar that also happens to have an adjacent art show, live music, body painting and %#@.  While I don't know what artists and musicians will be present, I do know that pretty much everybody is capable of putting back five bucks worth of pancakes so it ought to be a decent time.

Also, if you manage to peel your ass out of bed early on Saturday, Leonard Flynn Elementary on César Chávez and Harrison is hosting a pancake breakfast fundraiser for the PTA.  Reader Josh fills us in on the details:

Pancake breakfast, Saturday April 16, at Leonard Flynn Elementary in the cafeteria from 8-11AM. It's $5 per person for pancakes, coffee, bacon, etc…

A great way to work through all the pbr from Friday night and at the same time support your local Mission public elementary school. All the money goes to the PTA and then gets used to buy pretty basic stuff (like dry-erase markers) for the teachers.

So there you have it: pancakes, art, raising money for school supplies, live music, and %#@!  Enjoy!

Colt 45 Blast + Uptown Almanac = Getting Drunk For Free

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

After reading our generally positive early review of Colt 45's new sugar booze/Four Loko clone Blast by Colt 45, Colt 45 hit us up about cohosting the new drink's launch party at 111 Minna.  Initially we were skeptical about signing on for such an event, but after they told us they'd be providing an open bar for 4 hours, we got on board.  So check it: if you're interested in getting drunk for free from 5pm-9pm tomorrow, swing over to Minna and slam as much boozy Kool-aid down your throat as possible.  Rumor has it there'll also be some DJs on the scene, so be aware of that.

[More info on Facebook]

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Want to See Lady Comedians Wearing in Prom Dresses Telling Jokes in a Laundromat?

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Editor's note: this is not a lady comedian.

If so, make your way to Brainwash Cafe/Laundromat on Folsom @ 7th tomorrow (Wednesday) at 8pm for a prom-themed open mic night.  Lydia fills us in on the details:

I wanted to alert you of a very exciting upcoming event in SF Comedy. The Ladies Room, an all female comedy night hosted by Kristee Ono is holding the first ever PROMEDY. It's a prom. It's comedy. It's PROMEDY. All comics will dress to the nines and perform at the Brainwash. A king and queen will be crowned. Someone may or may not get “Carried.” It's gonna be a lot of fun.

Ladies Night at the Brainwash is home to some of SF's favorite lady comics like Caitlin Gil, Janine Brito, Emily Heller, Kristee Ono, Colleen Watson, Mimi Vilmenay, Chris Burns, Morgan, Natasha Muse, Melanie O'Brien, Lydia Popovich, Claire O'Kane and hella more.

Despite the fact it feels a little creepy to go to my first prom at the age of 26, I do love comedy and I need to wash my whites.  See ya there!

[Facebook]

CAN WE EVICT THIS LADY FROM SF??

— By Serg |

If you don't know, this is Jeanmarie Guenot, the alleged woman who recently got Slim's alcohol license supended. Check SFWeekly for more info on the whole bullshit. I mean look, I understand living next to clubs and bars can be an issue BUT THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T FUCKING MOVE NEXT TO A FUCKING CLUB IF YOU GOT BITCHMADE EARS! If you would like to check the open letter to her, go here. Can some black metal band please post up outside of her place and do a 48 hour set? Pretty please?

Dog Stolen Out of Parked Car

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

We generally don't post things like this, but this particular circumstance is extremely fucked up.  So if you see and crackheads selling a cute small dog anytime soon, give this person a ring.

Coming Soon: Coffee Bar & Boutique Electronics

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

I've been biking past this sign on Folsom and 5th for the past few weeks and scratching my head at what it possibly could mean.  Well, according to LiveSOMA, Potrero Hill's Elite Audio Systems is abandoning their appointment-only studio in favor of a formal retail space in SOMA.  Think of the new space as you would every other coffee shop in SF, except instead of nerds working on their next failed startup and writers working on their next failed Uptown Almanac post, it'll be full of people with real sources of income buying elite strereo equipment and elite coffee.  That said, don't think I'm hating on the business, considering I don't know where one can buy 'elite audio' equipment that isn't Best Buy or 16th or Mission, it doesn't seem like a bad thing this shop is moving to the area.  I just don't understand why every business San Francisco feels they need to serve coffee in order to be successful.

[LiveSOMA]

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