Won't You Be My Bromate?

Eric, I know I can be a little liberal with my use of superlatives, but this apartment ad is quite possibly the best ad I've ever read:

Hello, and congratulations. You're lucky to be here. Why? Because you have the unique opportunity to live in one of the finest neighborhoods in San Francisco, and, quite possibly, the entire Western Hemisphere. With more culture than Compton, more swanky eateries than Watts, and infinitely less plaid than the Mission… this… is… the Marina.

About the place: Your room has four walls and a ceiling, unlike that shanty you live in now. Did I mention the closet? It's not a walk-in per se, but you can certainly take a few strides in there, rip off a few jumping jacks. It's big. Your room is the other half of the equation in this two-bedroom place, with wall-to-wall carpet, a view of the Golden Gate, electrical outlets strategically placed throughout, and friendly birds constantly chirping in the neighboring foliage. You have your very own bathroom, all to yourself, and are of course free to mill about in the living room, prepare delicious meals in a state-of-the-art kitchen (if this were 1952). Only six units in the building and, what do you know, the neighbors are friendly, so that means you should be too. 

That's because I'm a friendly, a 28-year-old sales rep that believes the phrase “work hard, play hard” is a tired cliché. Instead, I prefer to “Marina,” an active verb, as in, “I hit every bar on Chestnut tonight but I'm successful because I don't smoke pot every morning or wear skinny jeans so clean up after yourself and stop eating so much hummus. Why? Because I 'Marina.'”

More about the place: Two bedrooms, two bath. One each for the both of us. Big living room. If you tilt your head just so, bridge views. Laundry in the building. Dishwasher, cable, wireless, the usual. We have all the furniture but by all means, we are willing to upgrade. On Beach and Fillmore, so street parking is a breeze, you're a block from the Green if you enjoy exercise and flag football and ultimate Frisbee.

Ha, just testing you. No one plays Ultimate in the Marina. If you just fist-pumped a paragraph ago when you saw Ultimate Frisbee on the Green, you should probably stay in Dolores Park. It's probably closer to the 24-hour check-cashing joint you patronize when the unemployment comes in. If you're still with me, that means you're pretty funny and it may behoove me to respond to your impending email.

And I don't care what Craigslist discrimination rules are. If you have poor grammar, you're out! Take your dangling modifiers to the Mission — I'm sure you'll get a room there in heartbeat. Instead, reach back to your second-grade Reading class and put together a charming and witty email that tells me about yourself. Not too witty. I'm clearly the funny guy in this relationship. But if I snort out a little cereal milk on my keyboard, you're on the right track. And if you try and sue me because I discriminated against your comma splices, best of luck. With your JuCo education you can barely find the post office, let alone file a brief 

One last thing. Just because I am funny and adore the Marina doesn't make me a douche. I'm not. In fact, if you're some B&T kid with Affliction shirts and hair-shaping paste cream balm, or if you wear makeup like a Vegas showgirl and fill the hole in your soul with excessive penis, you should go somewhere else. Be smart, funny, successful, driven, clean, employed, and, just for shits and giggles, incredibly good looking.

Move-in date between July 1 - August 1. My awesome roommate is moving out for a new gig elsewhere so try to either be just like him or just like him but the female version. 

There's so much to cover, I don't even know where to start.  I mean, I never knew that one could 'rip off a few jumping jacks' in a semi walk-in closet until now.  Or that “Marina” is a verb.  Or that bros cared 'bout grammer.  Or that bros use the word “behoove.”  Now I'm left wondering if Dateway is more culturally important than N.W.A. 

'sort of want to be your roommate.  Escape the oppressive land of ultimate frisbee and unemployment and enjoy the charmed life of nightly Marinaing and crushing brews with my boys after a hard day filing legal briefs.  'looking down on people who want to continue their education but cannot afford Berkeley.  Being the less funny dude in the brolationship.  'snorting milk and coke residue onto the keyboard.  Cooking natty light marinated meat on the grill before a night of beer pong.  Riding in a 'mother-fucking boat'.  Serenading 'nasty bitchez' in the Bar None bathroom.

Bridge views.

Crappy kitchen.

Hella electrical outlets.

Won't you be my bromate?

See you later, Mission.

Comments (27)

So many words for my second grade reading level. Is not wearing a shirt required? GTL included?

Bros don’t care about grammer. They should, however, care about grammar.

i approve of using marina as a verb. but it is demonstrably untrue that the marina has more culture than compton.
but whatever, i’m just hummus eating mission resident.

im kind of turned on by that listing, not gonna lie.



Fucking funny!

And no- I’m not really a douchebaggette- I just play one on tv:).

these people are killing this city

i’m using marina as a verb until the end of ever. this guy is so douchetastic i feel like i just got roofied reading his post.

Being funny and adoring the Marina doesn’t make this guy a douche. True.

The fact that this guy has to assert to himself that “he is funny and adores the Marina” is what in fact makes him a douche.

kevin: we’ve had our differences in the past, but after this post (the best on this blog to-date), consider those issues moot on my end.

johnson is a sales rep. the rest of his rant followed logically therefrom.

When did Carles start writing for the UA?
Is KevMo Carles?
Do yall think KevMo a bro or is he chill?
is UA authentic or did it “fucking sell out”
Are yall for #TEAM_UppyAlmy or #TEAMCARLES

Is KevMo Carles?
Does this bro seem like a bro, or does he surf the chillwaves?
Does BestCoast fucking h8 UA?
Is UppyAlmy Chill? or did it “fucking sell out”?
Are ya’ll on #TEAMHRO, #Team_UppyAlmy or #TEAM_BESTYCOASTYY?

Hello, and congratulations. You’re lucky to be here. Why? Because you have the unique opportunity to read one of the finest blogs in San Francisco, and, quite possibly, the entire Western Hemisphere. With more culture than Compton, more swanky posts than Watts, and infinitely less plaid than the MissionMission blog… this… is… the UA.

I could go on, but I think you get my humor.

“Marinaing” is a fucking ugly verb.

you should get this guy to write for uptown almanac.

funny, but a douche nonetheless.

oh, and im pretty sure this kid went to CHICO. sounds like he’s trying to escape his roots.

New Marina blog?

Brotown Alamanac?

@PBR Northern California Sales Associate LOL! Brotown Almanac…I’d read it.

I didn’t even know Marina folks knew the Mission existed. Actually, I assumed they didn’t, or they’d just all move here. This apartment listing is very confusing.

Glad you liked the post!

Is he really and actually making fish lips in that picture?! I don’t think I’ve ever seen a guy outside of Jersey do that. Impressive.

Hey, let me know if I can help any of you out with a bowl of soup sometime. It would be my pleasure! /pursedlips

Hey Kevin? Do you know where I can get one of those bikes that folds up into a briefcase and a good cup up kumbucha? APPRECIATE IT!

Kev bro? My buddy got another batch of patchouli in if you still want that hook up. And don’t worry about it. Helping you out makes me feel good inside.


That’s a cute pic big guy!

This city is ridiculous. What kind of geeks obsess over the uncool neighborhood this much. Why don’t you guys put on some trench coats and shootmup a high school