Profiling Marina Residents

Marina residents, with their powerful appetite for alcohol and hair product, are the most agile species of homosapien found in San Francisco. The exact number of species that exists is a topic of debate, but scientists agree that there are either four or five distinct types. The most common found in nature are the shit-faced sororitute and the Ed Hardy.

Extremely expressive social creatures, Marina residents communicate with body gestures as well as with screeches, barks and whines that can be heard on Union St. as far away as Chestnut. Marina residents subsist primarily on ripened fruit, insects, birth control, Jägermeister and poultry, with marijuana cigarettes making up the remaining 20-30% of their diet. Fashion, sobriety and pregnancy are the animals’ only predators. Marina residents are quick and flexible, with a life span of roughly 27 years in the wild and 30 plus years in captivity.

These acrobatic primates demonstrate fission and fusion behavior: at night they bind together into one large unit of 20-40 individuals, but during the day they scour downtown in smaller groups of three to four. Scientists believe that this divide and conquer strategy allows all members of a community an equal opportunity to forage for marketing careers.

Females become sexually mature as early as age fourteen, while males are ready to mate at fifteen. They typically give birth to one offspring after a gestation period of nine months. Females breed year-round, delivering an infant to a Presidio dumpster yearly.  Unfortunately, invasive species from Washington D.C., threatens the native population.

(Editor's Note: this text is almost entirely adapted from a profile of Spider Monkeys in Costa Rica)

Comments (12)



I like the Marina. It keeps SF from getting too uppity vs. their neighbors in LA. All the artisan bacon coffee in the world doesn’t change the fact that the Outside World has a little outpost right by the golden gate bridge.

(but don’t fret, there’s a San Francisco expats bar in LA too…)

You forgot to mention that Marina chicks are usually spawned in remote areas of Fresno and Bakersfield.
On their first trip to San Francisco they tend to set up camp at the Heritage Marina Hotel, from which they set out on hunting forays for the next victim, who while wanting a little milk, is stupid enough to buy the whole cow.

Fascinating. Please do tell us your impressions of the residents of Potrero Hill or the Haight. Your focus on the Marina reminds me of certain homophobic politicians.

After image analysis those chicks are to thick to reside in the Marina.

Yeah right. Not one, but two, TWO thick Marina chicks spotted together? And what the hell are they drinking? Bud Light?? And don’t get me started on what they’re wearing and their (lack of) dyed hair. Yeah sure, this photo is taken in Austin Texas!

So, I’m the girl on the left. We went to that bar (Bar None) OVER THREE YEARS AGO solely to make a bunch of frat boys look stupid by beating them at beer pong, because they think girls can’t play. And yes, we do play with Bud Light because beer pong isn’t meant to be an expensive sport. I’m sorry if that’s not good enough for the Marina elite.

And I hate to be the one to break it to you but…just because you live in that area, it doesn’t mean your streets sparkle and smell of freshly cut roses. They’re just like every other neighborhood. After 10 they begin to reek of stale beer, piss, flip flops and bros.

The problem isn’t the people in the Marina. It’s the people who come TO the Marina and behave that way.

Wow! Perhaps you have been living in the Marina too long… Some people come there and make a mockery of the neighborhood, but wake up dude, they are visiting people who live there, and friends act like their friends…. I love the Marina as much as the rest, to live there is deal with the people… I do in my neighborhood…

Actually the problem is both the Invaders and the Marina people! The area is full of translucent people that act far worse than that of a sorority and fraternity who’s behavior diminishes the values of the modern society only contributing to the shit load of problems the city has already, then they complain over their hangover about what’s wrong with SF the next day with a cheap beer or Bloody Mary in their hand! I should know since I am an active alumni of a fraternity where we don’t act like all the people from that area nor do the people act like that in my area of SF, Hayes Valley. Furthermore, why is it even necessary to post a discouraging artificial article about people not known to the author in order to unveil what? If they can take the time to be an asshole an write shitty things about people then they can take the same time to positive thinking and do good. Perhaps the writer is just upset with their own life and lashing out at others is making them feel better for the brief moment… Sorry, two hot girls that have class and charisma is impartial to the dumb-witted. Bad angles make for bad pictures, especially when taken by drunk asses at Bar Non, a Beer Pong Bar… Need I write more?

A friend of the people…