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A Celebration of Hee Haw

— By Serg |

This summer San Francisco gets to live that parent life, so break out the your fancy fleece and post up in the park for the ultimate in hee haw activities, Outside Lands. Have you seen the line up? Man this shit looks better than the fake Coachella flyer we saw but were bummed when we found out they actually booked boring bands that parents might not know but probably do. Outside Lands has got everything you need: bands with people who look like they have osteoporosis, steampunk might make a guest appearance, some dumbass girl dancing with a hula hoop and/or staff, food booths with amazing things like vegan nachos, kim jong-un tacos, farm-to-turd soups, fancy water with brown shit in it, chocoshitheado, and all kinds of other gourmet fuckery.

Look, I’m not here to talk about that because food is not the point, so let's get back on this trainwreck. Outside Lands is about music first, not the performance fleece stroller sideshow just trying to get drunk on old juice. Outside Lands is bringing you the latest in music with amazing acts like fucking Paul McCartney! Yeah man, you can stand in a field with a bunch of other people wondering when the old lesbian is finally going to fall over or stop tucking his shirt in his fucking jeans. Have you ever seen Cialis work in reverse? It’s going down!

Oh but that’s not your thing? You’re a little FUNKY!?! Sweet dog, you can live out your dreams with the Red Hot Chili Peppers! These guys are as old as fucking Wal-Mart. Maybe they can do that song where you get to do rap hands like when you were in the 4th grade! Damn you're good at rap hands? Well shit I didn’t know yo, you need to get down with the hardcore styling of Jurassic 5. They do throwback rap, but shit these dudes are so fucking old there should be another group doing a throwback to them while a birkenstock remembers the time he tried to hump a headwrap at hiphop on the college green. Oh but fuck rap this is about hee hawing, if you want to listen to another old band that sounds like older bands that did boring better we can go see Band of Horses! The hee haw doesn’t even stop there, they got NIN for you sad face fucks in black. Gonna get some goth girl while we fuck like an 18hr bra still hanging on to a haircut from twenty years ago and snack on artichoke sandwiches, but don’t worry about getting overpumped, we can cool off from the blistering golden gate heat with shawarma snowcones. Then we can go hang out with the hula hoop girls and get our Dillon Francis on to some charlie brown teacher, she can be your trombone shawty! Oh pretty lights, FEEL THE BASS! I don’t even know what Twenty-One Pilots is but they make “piano-driven indie-rocktronica” and if that doesn’t say whitebread as fuck then I don’t know nothing about hee hawing. DANCE PARTY!

Willie Nelson will be there too so that we can smoke some tweed and dream of grey ponytails while we literally watch paint dry! LIVE FUCKING PAINTING DUDES! When has that not ever been hee haw? If we get too high, don’t even sweat about losing your mom at the festival we can always find her at the Hall & Oates memorial site. Tallest Man On Earth sounds like an acoustic gutterpunk who found soap. Don’t be scared of that one black guy bro, its D’Angelo. Outside Lands is the perfect festival for napping. I don’t even know why they have speakers on the stage. Are you more of a traditional hee haw? The Growlers have all the floppy hats and hobo croaking you could ever want, maybe we’ll get to see some suspenders or other kinds of old ass ways to hold up your clothes. Vampire Weekend will have someone foot stomping with their arms raised in a circle to tuba farts. Listening to The National is like listening to your dad tell you that boring ass story again but now you can listen to that story with your dad!

Ugh I have to quit, I decided to listen to Phoenix so I could make fun of their boring songs and I can’t put myself through this. This festival sucks. Someone should tell them not every band needs to sound like the same old stale-ass whitebread easily-accessible bullshit. If you like old people and boring music then go have fun. I can’t get with it and this city should just give up on festivals, SF is terrible at them. Festivals are shit in general but goddamn this town does shitty like no one else does shitty.

7x7 wants you to take your kids to burning man

— By Serg |

Labor Day weekend is creeping up on us, which can mean only one thing (besides the start of the school year): Burning Man! When we first put feelers out to our network of Moms and Dads about the idea of writing an Insider’s Guide to Burning Man with Kids we got a lot of, “no ways”, “are you crazy” and “not in this lifetime” responses. While it’s clear that the majority of Burners opt for a week of adult playtime, there are actually quite a few Burner parents who wouldn’t have it any other way.

read the rest of their idiot guide here

Now I know it's real easy to pick on 7x7's shitty attempt at doing anything but this is a message I approve of because I hate burning man and children annoy me. Now maybe you like kids or some lame shit but trust me no good can come from the children of burning man enthusiasts. They beat out the children of steampunks on the totem pole of shitty. The world is a better place when these families can all go die in the desert under the fading light of dusty glowsticks as dubstep takes their last breath into black rock oblivion of abandoned childhood dreams. Fuck'em, let all these bad decisions rot in the fucking desert. 

If 7x7 really wanted my support they would publish a guide on how to not to return from burning man. This city needs a fucking enema.

IMPORTANT COMMUNITY ANNOUNCEMENT

— By Serg |

this is a reblog from my tumblr but I felt that the message was important enough that it must be spread across all the SFC related internets. You dicks really need to be aware of the crimes you are commiting with your dumb fucking hats.

-

why am I mad at food?

Burritos are fucking played out

— By Serg |

shitty burrito

Hey I don’t know if you’ve heard but there are fucking burritos in San Francisco and everyone who moves here wants to be an expert on where to get a sloppy tube of diarrhea roulette. Like they are the first to ever have a fucking burrito. 7x7’s latest shitty idea is to combine a burrito gang bang posse with Chipotle connoisseurs and a burrito clown car to form some kind of idiot council of the elders to finally solve the question that has been plaguing amateur Mexican food eaters everywhere. This shit has been done to fucking death. I know people are attached to the burrito, but it has fucking jumped the shark and drowned in a super pool of shitty crema picante bean juice runoff.

Yes, it’s easy to hate on 7x7 but if there is one question that annoys the goddamn piss out of me it’s “where do I get the best burrito?” You know what? Fuck you with that bullshit. Still getting by on your foil wrapped training wheels because your dumbass just upgraded from fucking nachos. It’s 2010 we don’t need a goddamn panel to tell us where to get a fucking burrito. I don’t give a fuck about Mission Local’s shit poll guide for the blind.  Eating burritos doesn’t make you an expert on shit. It’s a fucking burrito and it’s fucking boring. Hell I haven’t even had one in over a year because I got tired of them. Sure it might be fun when you first get to SF and discover taquerias all over your new stomping grounds but they aren’t shit, you are not the first. Fucking tacos still shit on your tube of rice and beans. Oh but you want something big you can unwrap and fill you up. GET A GODDAMN TORTA BECAUSE SANDWICHES ARE STILL IN THE MOTHERFUCKING GAME.  The game doesn’t start and end with the burrito.

See that’s probably the most aggravating part about the “where do I get the best burrito” question. It just screams amateur status. You are a tourist when it comes to the game. I don’t give a fuck about your stories about bliss found in the depths of a super carne asada burrito. The reality is that you are at the discovery level of carne asada fries garbage plate consumers. You’re not special doggy, your opinion ain’t shit.  You want to be a boss in this game? Find some perfectly fried buche, enchiladas that never touch a stove, legit tamales that you didn’t buy at 2 am from a bucket, tell me where some awesome cochinita pibil is, tell me when you can actually tell when you got real refried beans that didn’t come out of a can just to be heated in a fucking microwave, or find some real ass barbacoa, or who makes flan with goat milk. Shit tell me anything. No one cares that you are the 1 zillionth customer to discover an above average burrito, that’s like telling me where you like to get your daily cup of hot dirty water aka coffee. It’s just not that goddamn impressive.

BURRITO EXPERT = CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS OF THE MEXICAN FOOD GAME

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

NEWSFLASH: Uptown readers are selfish fucking pricks; hate SF/children/teh poors

— By Zach Perkins |

TRANSLATION: Hate my parents soooo much, can't access trust fund until 25; need $$$ for blow.

With the exception of readers Kathleen and 'tpaz', you are all a bunch of fucking assholes.  I sincerely hope you're straining the shit out of your eyes to read this while developing carpal tunnel syndrome, and possibly festering some kind of horrible venereal disease.  

I dunno, maybe you were all just embarrassed to email us and let us know that you had donated to the SF Food Bank last week when they had their gift matching deal; in which their corporate benefactors doubled whatever you donated ($2 to $25k) and put it towards feeding underprivileged kids in local SF schools.  But probably not, cause we all know that you really just hate kids and the impoverished, and god knows you hate San Francisco.  Pricks.  

Luckily, there are people in this City that don't read this blog and aren't complete assholes.  The SF Food Bank met their goal with last week's program, no thanks to you dickface. If you feel even the slightest bit of remorse, then go to sffb.org and redeem yourself.  The opportunity to have your contribution doubled is over but your donation is still needed more than ever, and will become increasingly more needed as we get closer and closer to the winter holidays when the SF Food Bank gets cleaned out.

I hope you get mugged. Then maybe you'll have an 'authentic insight' into the 'human condition' that you love to run your mouth about so often.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

LETS GET SOME FUCKING STOP SIGNS FOR 19th AND DOLORES YALL

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Hi Internet.

I'd like to share a story from the other day.  It was a nice day.  A little windy but nice.  It was Friday.  I have a little routine that I like to do on Friday afternoons: I take my phone to Dolores Park with a bottle of MD20/20 (I like Red Grape) and answer all the emails I ignored over the week.  Afterwards I go black out at a bar.  So anyway, I finished up pregaming in the sun and was crossing Dolores to go to Valencia and this total cunt of a lady (who I sure is nice and was just having a bad day but FUCK HER) barrels through the intersection in her stupid green Prius honking at me and not slowing down even though i'm in the middle of the road.  She came within 18 inches of hitting me… close enough for me to spit on her car, scream “you crazy bitch” and give her rear bumper a little love tap with my bike.

Anyway, the point is this:

  1. that intersection is a fucking death trap waiting to happen
  2. fuck Noe Valley
  3. fuck priuses
  4. fuck the city for taking 13 years to get anything done
  5. fuck the dolores park bathrooms
  6. …
  7. I need to get laid for the first time in 13 and a half months, get drunk and calm down

So yeah, give me a fucking set of stop signs or I'm motherfucking doing it myself.  That's right, I'm willing to actually contribute my time to making this world a better place (for myself, fuck the rest of you).  My stop signs will be made with stolen plywood, some spraypaint and pure distain.  They'll also look like Janet Reno's face but that's what you get when functional alcoholics do what the city should have done years ago.

Also, if anyone wants to help make these stop signs, I'll totally give you a beer and let you play with my chainsaw*.  Holler in the comments and I'll get in touch (not until Friday thou).

(photo by Jamison Wiser.  I wish my mom named me Jamison)

* that isn't a sexual thing

Get the Fuck Outta My Newsfeed: Hipstamatic Prints

— By Zach Perkins |

 

If I see the word “Hipstamatic” pop up in my MyFace.com Newsfeed one more time I swear to god I’m going to go around smashing iPhones into fucking oblivion.  You are flooding the shit out of my newsfeed and seriously hampering my hourly stalking of girls that I did/didn’t have sex with two to six years ago.  

And like that shitty Happy Meal toy I didn’t want, every Newsfeed instance of that apex-douche term “Hipstamatic” comes complete with a lame picture you took of your dull day-to-day life, plus the synthetically retro after affects you added to make it seem one ten-thousandth less dull.  FUCK. 

edit: And for the record; yes I do know that I can “hide Hipstamatic Share for iPhone” but motherfuckers be double posting as wall photos telling me all about what kind of ‘rad’ fake lenses and no-longer-produced film you didn’t actually use.  I’d prefer to block your app, not you.  Don’t tempt me.

Unqualified SF Weekly Blogger: "blah blah blah nu media dddeeeeerrrrrrrrrrr"

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

I went to this ridiculous panel discussion at the pretentiously-named Commonwealth Club the other night called “If Not the Chronicle, Then What?”  The panel was billed as a smart conversation about how new media (which is just a fucking stupid-ass name for BLOGS because the print world feels like they have to reclaim every goddamn thing for themselves so we cannot even have a fucking name anymore) doesn’t do beat reporting but everyone still needs to have news + political coverage so who will do it if the Chronicle dies off?  Of course, the panel was kinda odd: Brock of SFist + the white whale of The Bold Italic were the solid choices, then there was Jeff of Muni Diaries, which isn’t a news site at all but a place were SF’s racists gather to share stories about how much brown people scare them, and some bro who works at Twitter.  I don’t know why the fuck people think 140 characters can be journalism.  Twitter is a place where we misspell things, talk about how drunk we were last night, fail at being funny, and, you know, share links to real journalism/cat pictures.  NEXT.

So, I should have known that this panel was going to spawn a post at the SF Weekly that would make me want to bring a sharp razor, the Donnie Darko soundtrack, and the toaster into the bathtub, but I was completely unprepared for S.F. New Media Admits It Can’t Quit Chronicle.  First off, San Francisco’s “New Media” didn’t admit shit, 3 people on a stage did.  They can go on reading that unreadable shit all they want but I don’t know of any other bloggers that do.  Here’s the thing, I understand technology scares you.  People won’t read your rag anymore so you’ll have to go back to being a greeter at Wal-Mart.  We’re going to have an entire generation of young lads that think finger fucking a girl is an iPhone gesture.  This is a terrible future ahead of us.  I understand you’re not ready to accept it.

Of course, instead of making some inane statement, why didn’t the Weekly just point out how fundamentally flawed the entire conversation was?  Some white bitch during the Q+A section said “I haven’t heard you guys talk about the Chronicle too much” and then everyone starting talking about how important beat reporting is.  I really wish I was on that panel.  “If not the Chronicle, then what?”  I would have stood up and said “Read the fucking Appeal you fucktards” and then exposed myself to the entire audience.  Shit would have been real.  These idiots all seem to think that if Hearst dies off, THERE WILL NEVER BE A NEWS ARTICLE EVER AGAIN.  That’s bullshit.  Have you ever even read the Appeal?  Eve is a fucking monster.  If she was a mother, she’d be the type of mother that would turn out 15 kids in 4 years and you’d be left saying “how the fuck did you do that?”  Luckily for humanity, Eve just writes about eight dozen stories a day that you get to read for free.  Fancy. fucking. that.

I’d like to propose a panel.  Eve, myself, Laura Beck, Brock and a hampster will all shotgun about 5 cans of Colt 45, sit at an elevated table so we’re talking down to the audience, and give a panel titled “If Not ‘New Media,’ Then Who Will The Chronicle Steal Their Leads From?”

Hey 7X7 SHUT THE FUCK UP

— By Serg |

 

5. No kids? Be considerate. If parents are obeying rules 1-4, those seated near a little one should do their best in turn. Ratchet down volume, cursing, cigarette smoke, and other potential annoyances; if you can’t, and it’s possible, move. If conflict arises, a polite word to the bartender, server, or manager can help dissuade face-to-face aggression by redirecting the problem to a neutral party. Parents should also be aware that there are some people who just don’t like kids, even if yours are veritable angels. Most of the world doesn’t have it out for you or your baby, but if you feel you’re making a real effort to be considerate and responsible and someone still gives you trouble, try to take it in stride.

So now the idiots over at 7x7 decided post up some guidelines for all the dumbfucking douchtards that want to bring their little shit factory to the bar. This is totally fucking stupid in it’s own right but what really fucking annoyed me was their rule for people without kids. Yo straight up fuck that shit.

As someone who is constantly being asked to stop swearing and yelling in restuarants by a bunch of whiney little bitchmade softhands who can’t take me speaking how ever the fuck I fucking want I can’t stand this fucking bullshit. This isn’t even about courtesy, motherfucker you brought your goddamn illiterate sack of shitpants to the bar, not me. So when I laugh at your crying fetus because his broke ass can’t fucking read understand that it’s your fucking fault, not mine bitch. You don’t bring your dumbass kid to the Lusty Lady and request a puppet show, so don’t bring them to the goddamn bar you peter pan dreaming assholes. You ruined your life, so stop trying to ruin mine with your little intruding murderer of dreams.

If I wanted to hang out with children I’d be at goddamn Gymboree or some other retarded foam palace of snot and tears. Get your fucking strollers out of my life. I’m a fucking adult and I’m not going to censor myself because you are such a piece of shit of parent that you bring a child into adult situations. Also fuck people who think swearing at work is “inappropriate.”  Motherfucker how old are you? If you think swearing is shocking you need to go back to the kiddie table because grown folks talk how ever the fuck they want. If you think I’m stupid because I use curse words and think that I have a small vocabulary, well then fuck you too. That is some bullshit made up by some snobby ass shitcunt of an elementray school teacher who wanted to feel better than people who swear.

I have no respect for people who use terms like shoot, fudge or hecka. Hecka is the fucking worst because it just proves that these fucking assholes got you in the trap that is religion. That shit isn’t about heaven, it’s about confining your piece of shit ass brain into a system of bullshit so that you eat up all the crap ass regulations these trapping ass bitches try to put on you.

So fuck 7x7
fuck babies
fuck grammer
fuck you