hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate

Hey I don't know if you've heard but there are fucking burritos in San Francisco and everyone who moves here wants to be an expert on where to get a sloppy tube of diarrhea roulette. Like they are the first to ever have a fucking burrito. 7x7's latest shitty idea is to combine a burrito gang bang posse with Chipotle connoisseurs and a burrito clown car to form some kind of idiot council of the elders to finally solve the question that has been plaguing amateur Mexican food eaters everywhere. This shit has been done to fucking death. I know people are attached to the burrito, but it has fucking jumped the shark and drowned in a super pool of shitty crema picante bean juice runoff.

Yes, it's easy to hate on 7x7 but if there is one question that annoys the goddamn piss out of me it's "where do I get the best burrito?" You know what? fuck you with that bullshit. Still getting by on your foil wrapped training wheels because your dumbass just upgraded from fucking nachos. It's 2010 we don't need a goddamn panel to tell us where to get a fucking burrito. I don't give a fuck about Mission Local's shit poll guide for the blind.  Eating burritos doesn't make you an expert on shit. It's a fucking burrito and it's fucking boring. Hell I haven't even had one in over a year because I got tired of them. Sure it might be fun when you first get to sf and discover taquerias all over your new stomping grounds but they aren't shit, you are not the first. Fucking Taco's still shit on your tube of rice and beans. Oh but you want something big you can unwrap and fill you up. GET A GODDAMN TORTA BECAUSE SANDWICHES ARE STILL IN THE MOTHERFUCKING GAME.  The game doesn't start and end with the burrito.

See that's probably the most aggravating part about the where do I get the best burrito question. It just screams amateur status. You are a tourist when it comes to the game. I don't give a fuck about your stories about bliss found in the depths of a super carne asada burrito. The reality is that you are at the discovery level of carne asada fries garbage plate consumers. You're not special doggy, your opinion aint shit.  You want to be a boss in this game? Find some perfectly fried buche, enchiladas that never touch a stove, legit tamales that you didn't buy at 2 am from a bucket, tell me where some awesome cochinita pibil is, tell me when you can actually tell when you got real refried beans that didn't come out of a can just to be heated in a fucking microwave, or find some real ass barbacoa, or who makes flan with goat milk. Shit tell me anything. No one cares that you are the 1 zillionth customer to discover an above average burrito, that's like telling me where you like to get your daily cup of hot dirty water aka coffee. It's just not that goddamn impressive.

BURRITO EXPERT = CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS OF THE MEXICAN FOOD GAME

Previously on Uptown Almanac

• Mission Loc@l Attempts to Name "The Best Burrito"

Hi Internet.

I'd like to share a story from the other day.  It was a nice day.  A little windy but nice.  It was Friday.  I have a little routine that I like to do on Friday afternoons: I take my phone to Dolores Park with a bottle of MD20/20 (I like Red Grape) and answer all the emails I ignored over the week.  Afterwards I go black out at a bar.  So anyway, I finished up pregaming in the sun and was crossing Dolores to go to Valencia and this total cunt of a lady (who I sure is nice and was just having a bad day but FUCK HER) barrels through the intersection in her stupid green Prius honking at me and not slowing down even though i'm in the middle of the road.  She came within 18 inches of hitting me... close enough for me to spit on her car, scream "you crazy bitch" and give her rear bumper a little love tap with my bike.

Anyway, the point is this:

1. that intersection is a fucking death trap waiting to happen
2. fuck Noe Valley
3. fuck priuses
4. fuck the city for taking 13 years to get anything done
5. fuck the dolores park bathrooms
6. ...
7. I need to get laid for the first time in 13 and a half months, get drunk and calm down

So yeah, give me a fucking set of stop signs or I'm motherfucking doing it myself.  That's right, I'm willing to actually contribute my time to making this world a better place (for myself, fuck the rest of you).  My stop signs will be made with stolen plywood, some spraypaint and pure distain.  They'll also look like Janet Reno's face but that's what you get when functional alcoholics do what the city should have done years ago.

Also, if anyone wants to help make these stop signs, I'll totally give you a beer and let you play with my chainsaw*.  Holler in the comments and I'll get in touch (not until Friday thou).

(photo by Jamison Wiser.  I wish my mom named me Jamison)

* that isn't a sexual thing

I went to this ridiculous panel discussion at the pretentiously-named Commonwealth Club the other night called "If Not the Chronicle, Then What?"  The panel was billed as a smart conversation about how new media (which is just a fucking stupid-ass name for BLOGS because the print world feels like they have to reclaim every goddamn thing for themselves so we cannot even have a fucking name anymore) doesn't do beat reporting but everyone still needs to have news + political coverage so who will do it if the Chronicle dies off?  Of course, the panel was kinda odd: Brock of SFist + the white whale of The Bold Italic were the solid choices, then there was Jeff of Muni Diaries, which isn't a news site at all but a place were SF's racists gather to share stories about how much brown people scare them, and some bro who works at Twitter.  I don't know why the fuck people think 140 characters can be journalism.  Twitter is a place where we misspell things, talk about how drunk we were last night, fail at being funny, and, you know, share links to real journalism/cat pictures.  NEXT.

So, I should have known that this panel was going to spawn a post at the SF Weekly that would make me want to bring a sharp razor, the Donnie Darko soundtrack, and the toaster into the bathtub, but I was completely unprepared for S.F. New Media Admits It Can't Quit Chronicle.  First off, San Francisco's "New Media" didn't admit shit, 3 people on a stage did.  They can go on reading that unreadable shit all they want but I don't know of any other bloggers that do.  Here's the thing, I understand technology scares you.  People won't read your rag anymore so you'll have to go back to being a greeter at Wal-Mart.  We're going to have an entire generation of young lads that think finger fucking a girl is an iPhone gesture.  This is a terrible future ahead of us.  I understand you're not ready to accept it.

Of course, instead of making some inane statement, why didn't the Weekly just point out how fundamentally flawed the entire conversation was?  Some white bitch during the Q+A section said "I haven't heard you guys talk about the Chronicle too much" and then everyone starting talking about how important beat reporting is.  I really wish I was on that panel.  "If not the Chronicle, then what?"  I would have stood up and said "Read the fucking Appeal you fucktards" and then exposed myself to the entire audience.  Shit would have been real.  These idiots all seem to think that if Hearst dies off, THERE WILL NEVER BE A NEWS ARTICLE EVER AGAIN.  That's bullshit.  Have you ever even read the Appeal?  Eve is a fucking monster.  If she was a mother, she'd be the type of mother that would turn out 15 kids in 4 years and you'd be left saying "how the fuck did you do that?"  Luckily for humanity, Eve just writes about eight dozen stories a day that you get to read for free.  Fancy. fucking. that.

I'd like to propose a panel.  Eve, myself, Laura Beck, Brock and a hampster will all shotgun about 5 cans of Colt 45, sit at an elevated table so we're talking down to the audience, and give a panel titled "If Not 'New Media,' Then Who Will The Chronicle Steal Their Leads From?"