I went to this ridiculous panel discussion at the pretentiously-named Commonwealth Club the other night called “If Not the Chronicle, Then What?”  The panel was billed as a smart conversation about how new media (which is just a fucking stupid-ass name for BLOGS because the print world feels like they have to reclaim every goddamn thing for themselves so we cannot even have a fucking name anymore) doesn’t do beat reporting but everyone still needs to have news + political coverage so who will do it if the Chronicle dies off?  Of course, the panel was kinda odd: Brock of SFist + the white whale of The Bold Italic were the solid choices, then there was Jeff of Muni Diaries, which isn’t a news site at all but a place were SF’s racists gather to share stories about how much brown people scare them, and some bro who works at Twitter.  I don’t know why the fuck people think 140 characters can be journalism.  Twitter is a place where we misspell things, talk about how drunk we were last night, fail at being funny, and, you know, share links to real journalism/cat pictures.  NEXT.

So, I should have known that this panel was going to spawn a post at the SF Weekly that would make me want to bring a sharp razor, the Donnie Darko soundtrack, and the toaster into the bathtub, but I was completely unprepared for S.F. New Media Admits It Can’t Quit Chronicle.  First off, San Francisco’s “New Media” didn’t admit shit, 3 people on a stage did.  They can go on reading that unreadable shit all they want but I don’t know of any other bloggers that do.  Here’s the thing, I understand technology scares you.  People won’t read your rag anymore so you’ll have to go back to being a greeter at Wal-Mart.  We’re going to have an entire generation of young lads that think finger fucking a girl is an iPhone gesture.  This is a terrible future ahead of us.  I understand you’re not ready to accept it.

Of course, instead of making some inane statement, why didn’t the Weekly just point out how fundamentally flawed the entire conversation was?  Some white bitch during the Q+A section said “I haven’t heard you guys talk about the Chronicle too much” and then everyone starting talking about how important beat reporting is.  I really wish I was on that panel.  “If not the Chronicle, then what?”  I would have stood up and said “Read the fucking Appeal you fucktards” and then exposed myself to the entire audience.  Shit would have been real.  These idiots all seem to think that if Hearst dies off, THERE WILL NEVER BE A NEWS ARTICLE EVER AGAIN.  That’s bullshit.  Have you ever even read the Appeal?  Eve is a fucking monster.  If she was a mother, she’d be the type of mother that would turn out 15 kids in 4 years and you’d be left saying “how the fuck did you do that?”  Luckily for humanity, Eve just writes about eight dozen stories a day that you get to read for free.  Fancy. fucking. that.

I’d like to propose a panel.  Eve, myself, Laura Beck, Brock and a hampster will all shotgun about 5 cans of Colt 45, sit at an elevated table so we’re talking down to the audience, and give a panel titled “If Not ‘New Media,’ Then Who Will The Chronicle Steal Their Leads From?”