A Celebration of Hee Haw

This summer San Francisco gets to live that parent life, so break out the your fancy fleece and post up in the park for the ultimate in hee haw activities, Outside Lands. Have you seen the line up? Man this shit looks better than the fake Coachella flyer we saw but were bummed when we found out they actually booked boring bands that parents might not know but probably do. Outside Lands has got everything you need: bands with people who look like they have osteoporosis, steampunk might make a guest appearance, some dumbass girl dancing with a hula hoop and/or staff, food booths with amazing things like vegan nachos, kim jong-un tacos, farm-to-turd soups, fancy water with brown shit in it, chocoshitheado, and all kinds of other gourmet fuckery.

Look, I’m not here to talk about that because food is not the point, so let's get back on this trainwreck. Outside Lands is about music first, not the performance fleece stroller sideshow just trying to get drunk on old juice. Outside Lands is bringing you the latest in music with amazing acts like fucking Paul McCartney! Yeah man, you can stand in a field with a bunch of other people wondering when the old lesbian is finally going to fall over or stop tucking his shirt in his fucking jeans. Have you ever seen Cialis work in reverse? It’s going down!

Oh but that’s not your thing? You’re a little FUNKY!?! Sweet dog, you can live out your dreams with the Red Hot Chili Peppers! These guys are as old as fucking Wal-Mart. Maybe they can do that song where you get to do rap hands like when you were in the 4th grade! Damn you're good at rap hands? Well shit I didn’t know yo, you need to get down with the hardcore styling of Jurassic 5. They do throwback rap, but shit these dudes are so fucking old there should be another group doing a throwback to them while a birkenstock remembers the time he tried to hump a headwrap at hiphop on the college green. Oh but fuck rap this is about hee hawing, if you want to listen to another old band that sounds like older bands that did boring better we can go see Band of Horses! The hee haw doesn’t even stop there, they got NIN for you sad face fucks in black. Gonna get some goth girl while we fuck like an 18hr bra still hanging on to a haircut from twenty years ago and snack on artichoke sandwiches, but don’t worry about getting overpumped, we can cool off from the blistering golden gate heat with shawarma snowcones. Then we can go hang out with the hula hoop girls and get our Dillon Francis on to some charlie brown teacher, she can be your trombone shawty! Oh pretty lights, FEEL THE BASS! I don’t even know what Twenty-One Pilots is but they make “piano-driven indie-rocktronica” and if that doesn’t say whitebread as fuck then I don’t know nothing about hee hawing. DANCE PARTY!

Willie Nelson will be there too so that we can smoke some tweed and dream of grey ponytails while we literally watch paint dry! LIVE FUCKING PAINTING DUDES! When has that not ever been hee haw? If we get too high, don’t even sweat about losing your mom at the festival we can always find her at the Hall & Oates memorial site. Tallest Man On Earth sounds like an acoustic gutterpunk who found soap. Don’t be scared of that one black guy bro, its D’Angelo. Outside Lands is the perfect festival for napping. I don’t even know why they have speakers on the stage. Are you more of a traditional hee haw? The Growlers have all the floppy hats and hobo croaking you could ever want, maybe we’ll get to see some suspenders or other kinds of old ass ways to hold up your clothes. Vampire Weekend will have someone foot stomping with their arms raised in a circle to tuba farts. Listening to The National is like listening to your dad tell you that boring ass story again but now you can listen to that story with your dad!

Ugh I have to quit, I decided to listen to Phoenix so I could make fun of their boring songs and I can’t put myself through this. This festival sucks. Someone should tell them not every band needs to sound like the same old stale-ass whitebread easily-accessible bullshit. If you like old people and boring music then go have fun. I can’t get with it and this city should just give up on festivals, SF is terrible at them. Festivals are shit in general but goddamn this town does shitty like no one else does shitty.

Comments (41)

God, there’s nothing worse than cultural tourists writing about the music of MY culture. MY culture is hee-haw & I’m sensitive about my shit. It’s defined by cultural experience and it’s clear that the writer’s “just visiting.”

Go eat a sour cream-less burrito with pinto beans, you artichoke-hating dunderhead. (yeah I said it.) I hope every tumblr post you ever write gets 0 likes.

Yes it’s true I am not “of the culture” but I’m tryin breh.! I just bought a longboard and have even tried on toe shoes!

Boohoo.
This post and the Blue Angels one make this site feel like an all-out angst outlet for anti-social, former xanga losers.

Don’t go to the festival if you don’t. And snap out of it! You just wrote 800 words - all in a sarcastic tone.

Good lord, Serg’s posts are just abhorrent to read. Not funny, not clever - just a flat out assault on the senses.

That’s kinda what I like about them. No half-assed trolling, just all-out rage. But he failed to insult the white dreadlocks in the pic. Disappointed. He hit all the other easy targets.

Yeah, pretty much.

Be like me and keep your music-related rants to one sentence in all caps. And post them on MySpace.

I think this is very funny and accurate

What about CoacHELLA!

Suburban white chicks with star tattoos, facial piercings, dreadlocks and std’s, IM IN!!!

In all seriousness, I LOVE THAT SHIT

arn’t these the white supremicist chicks from that louis theroux documentary about nazis? lamb and lynx?

People who want to hear music don’t go to big outdoor festivals in the first place.

True, mostly. Though I make an exception for HSB as a lot of things that NEVER come around here otherwise tend to come to HSB.

Out of curiosity, what do you think IS a good festival?

chaos in tejas usually pretty good although the line up this year isn’t enough to make me go out to austin. FFFfest is cool but it does have it’s naptime moments during the schedule but the lineup tends to be a lot more diverse than most even though the usual festival picks of the year will be tossed in there at times. The year Slayer headlined was a good one, the year girltalk headlined not so much.

as a longtime metalhead, anyone who still thinks Slayer is a good headliner is about 15-20 years behind the curve.

Even though Kerry King is an asshole, Slayer still puts on a kick ass show. Especially with Gary filling in for Jeff. You probably don’t like Arch Enemy either.

Hear, Hear.

Yeah, I’ve never liked Arch Enemy and fell off the Slayer wagon around Divine Intervention/Undisputed Attitude. After that, they became a parody of themselves…like a thrash/nu metal version of Kiss.

Writes article about Outside Lands being filled with washed up geezers.

Thinks Slayer is a good headliner.

Did I ever say that Slayer was the best part of the line up? People were dancing to glowsticks during their set. I’m justing saying that FFFfest was chill that year, not that their iron cross and ravetronics were the hot shit. People straight up brought glowing wizard staffs to slayer and they charged 45 for a fat man black tee.

Paul McCartney tucks his shirt in because he’s a fuckin’ gazillionaire knight, and not a 22 year old slob without prospects.

Good shit about Jurassic 5. I had to double check to make sure it wasn’t a misprint when I saw them listed. I guess Arrested Development wanted too much money.

yeah, Outside Lands isn’t really about music (nor are any of these large fests). The basic formula is to get as many top grossing acts into one venue as possible and maximize revenue. The target audience is basically fest-fans, not music fans.

I’ve been to Outside Lands several times with a VIP pass and it is actually really difficult to see music (even when you can cut through the backstage areas). My average for a full day was basically 3 bands. Even with the free ticket and booze, it isn’t that much fun if you are trying to see more than 1 or 2 acts. By the last day, I basically got stoned and kept walking in a big loop to entertain myself.

Silliness of Outside lands aside, this comes from a grown ass man who’s avatar is him crowdsurfing like some suburban highschooler…

So perfectly written. My exact sentiments.

For a hip hop specialist with a blog called stayhatin, these weak piss insults are whacker than a genre dominated by shallow ryhmes about crass consumerism, violence, misogny, drugs, guns, and gang warfare.

but I love that gun sound!

never trust people who spell it “whack”

Wow, serg. Your taste in music is as awful as your taste in beans. Impressive.

i thought the “hee haw” was when you put those east bay cracker girl dreads in their mouth like a bridle and holding on while banging them from behind

Fucking great post. And in typical SF fashion, no one can laugh at themselves. And to all the people ripping on Slayer for being “old” and not being a good headliner, you are all hypocrites because I guarantee you listen to Motorhead and/or Iron Maiden and would cream your jeans if they headlines some festival you were going to. Old does not necessarily mean shitty. The bands Serg rips on are shitty and also happen to be old.

You are incorrect.

I have a Motorhead tattoo that is old.

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