Self-Loathing Twitter Employee Chronicles the Doom and Decadence of San Francisco's Most Tax-Exempt Startup
— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |
#1: There is so much fatty food here, they should pay for gym memberships. #2: They do #1: Ugh, whatever.
— Lawrence T. Bird (@twentitled) February 23, 2013
Meet Twitter Entitled, an unfortunate and pitifully hilarious collection of overheards within the headquarters of Mid-Market's golden goose. It's blood-boiling, really—like watching Veruca Salt tantrum her way through Wonka's Chocolate Factory. But who can resist laughing at bad eggs?
Another self-loathing Twitter employee, who claims to know the person responsible for the account, assures us these quotes are genuine rumblings of alleged human beings—a claim we have no way of substantiating, but we don't particularly doubt either. [UPDATE: at some point this afternoon, the maintainer added “#satire” to the description. Read into that however you want.] [UPDATE II: jwz reports that Twitter's “comms team was crying a river over this today,” suggesting this isn't satire.] So enjoy a few of our favorite gems, and thank your lucky stars that This Is Ron Conway's Town Now:
#1: Every time I notice the valet has adjusted my seat, I honestly consider just parking the car myself…
— Lawrence T. Bird (@twentitled) January 22, 2013
#1: the seared tuna at lunch was good, but the caviar on the tartare was meh.
— Lawrence T. Bird (@twentitled) September 24, 2012
#1: fucking BART, I'm late for my massage.
— Lawrence T. Bird (@twentitled) August 21, 2012
#1: I like the free Square readers we get from Jack, but without free iPad's also, they're unusable.
— Lawrence T. Bird (@twentitled) September 17, 2012
#1: How many times can they possibly serve Wild King Salmon Steaks for dinner? I'm all for Salmon, but a little variety would be nice.
— Lawrence T. Bird (@twentitled) August 7, 2012
#1: WTF is up with this single-ply toilet paper here? I'm gonna have to take my Fruit Ninja break across the street at the coffee shop.
— Lawrence T. Bird (@twentitled) June 25, 2012
#1: what… you act like you've never seen 400 oysters served out of an ice sculpture of tupac before.
— Lawrence T. Bird (@twentitled) August 18, 2012
#1: I'm not sure if all this drilling is really worth a new roof deck/patio
— Lawrence T. Bird (@twentitled) March 5, 2013
#1: Bike to work day? #2: Oops, I took an Uber.
— Lawrence T. Bird (@twentitled) May 9, 2013
#1: Anyone want to charter a helicopter with me in Vegas?
— Lawrence T. Bird (@twentitled) May 1, 2013