This is a PSA for you all you folks who can read! Can I get a what what for all the literate people in the house!

It’s come to my attention that many people don’t know how to use the San Francisco Public Library system to its full advantage and this is a g-d shame. Our libraries are pretty much the only bureaucracy in SF that’s well run, efficient, and easy to use. This is probably because it’s headed by a bunch of nerds. Holler back, librarians! Now take off those glasses, let your hair down, and let’s get freaky!!

What you need to know. 

1) You gotta get a card. Just go into any library and all you have to do is fill out a short form and provide proof that you live in the city (list of acceptable forms of ID) and you’ve got a card. If you want, you can print and fill out the form before you go. For your card, you can choose from lots of designs, including a biodegradable card made from corn! That is a true fact! San Francisco, I LOVE YOU, however I plan on having this fucker forever so you might has well make it out of that shit they make the airplane black boxes with.

2) DUDE YOU CAN TOTALLY CHECK OUT BOOKS ONLINE. It’s super fresh. All you have to do is go to their user friendly website and make an account using the number on your library card. Then, you set your how branch. Easy. Next, you search for books. They pretty much have every book ever and if they don’t, you can request it. Now, here’s where the magic happens. Say I want to read, “Columbine” (btw- if you’re into true crime, this is holy grail type material. SO GOOD.). You find it at several branches but you want it at your branch, you ain’t trying to travel around the world and shit. You just click on “request” and it adds it to your list. When it’s ready to be picked up, the library FREAKING SENDS YOU AN EMAIL (set this option in your preferences!). You just go in and near the front of every library is a request pick up area. BAM, you’re done. If you’re the super laziest, you can even requests books that are already at your branch and they’ll fucking bring them downstairs for you so you don’t have to take the five minutes to do it yourself. Also, you’re a horrible person. Also, you are me. Oh and wait, it’s better. Say you’ve had your books for awhile (lazy! or busy! whatever!) and they’re due back but you don’t want to bring them back yet, you can extend your time online! Yes! No more late fees! Or, less late fees because let’s face it, there are always gonna be late fees, lazy! Or busy! Whatever!

3) Your library has computers, free wifi, printers, and attractive patrons. It also has homeless people and a few folks with a mean case of the silent but deadlies. It evens out in your favor. 

4) FREE MOVIES!!! Excellent selection, especially in the classics department which is really nice because it is a BITCH to illegally download some of those suckers. If you’re going through an Errol Flynn phase, get yourself a library card. It took me about two years to download Too Much, Too Soon: The Daring Story of Diana Barrymore. I coulda had that from the library in ten minutes! Stupid Laura! Illegal downloading KILLS! Lesson learned! Also, tons of tv shows like Arrested Development and Big Love. <3

I love the library very much. It makes me believe that there is still hope in this shitbox of a world where our cities are crumbling into the ocean and everyone is filled with hate of such proportions that it makes Apep look like Little Red Riding Hood. See what I just did there? I learned that FROM READING.