Life

The Video Answer to I Live Here SF: Neighbors

Neighbors: Richard Vivian (Trailer) from Agency Charlie on Vimeo.

Definitely digging Agency Charlie's new project “Neighbors.”  It seems a lot like I Live Here:SF, only it's video and less populated with people abusing the project for free headshots.  Plus, it's full of local characters doing great shit like running soul record stores in Lower Haight or being a crazy eccentric cat lady who drinks a lot of sparkling water and is all about fruits and nuts.

The working title for the project is Neighbors, a series of short stories about individuals from various neighborhoods in San Francisco. Part conversational interview, part documentary – we get to know the individual in the context of their work and home environments, in order to gain a deeper understanding of their influences on the community.

I'm not sure how you can follow the progress of the project, but you can subscribe to Agency Charlie's vimeo feed.

(Thanks to The Tiffy for the heads up!)

Smoking 2.0: Replacing Chatroulette's Dongs for Seshroulette's Bongs

Image via Cranked, via some tv show.

The Daily Beast a few weeks ago reported on a new way to experience anonymous video-chatting— video-chatting WHILE HIGH. Seshroulette, is a new anonymous video-chatting service that promises you will never have to smoke alone, so long as you're 18 or older, and are smoking legal marijuana. However, there is no way of tracking whether the person you're getting “hella high” with is smoking legal greens. The site only tracks the city users are coming from, leaving authorities with some smokey rings to jump through if they ever want to actually bust a virtual toke fest. The site also doesn't permit any indecent exposure, so you can smoke assured that your high won't be ruined by some dicks later on…

Intrigued, I decided to try Seshroulette out myself one night under the guise of investigative journalism. The following is my story…

All users are currently smoking with each other. Press Next Sesh, or check 'Magic Stoner-Finder'. grinding the bud… packing the bowl… one sec, please…….

At 11:30 PM I'm connected to a scantily clad female sitting in a sun drenched room.  I say hello, ask her where she's from and try to engage, but she doesn't respond. This chick is here on a mission. Soon I realize that her bikini top is in fact “rasta” colors. She holds up a fat nug to the screen, takes out a large bong, packs a bowl, takes a huge rip, blows smoke into the screen, flips me off and I'm onto the next sesh…

All users are currently smoking with each other. Press Next Sesh, or check 'Magic Stoner-Finder'. grinding the bud… packing the bowl… one sec, please…….

11:46:06> Connected. Enjoy the session!

This time I'm connected to a burly man, reclined in a dark corner, illuminated by incandescent light, and strangely only using one hand to type to me… I introduce myself and find out that this dewd is smoking all the way from that scene stealing town otherwise known as Oakland. I tell him that I'm in San Francisco, and ask if he thinks that pot is better in Oakland than SF. He responds, “Fuck if I know, weed is weed.” I immediately recognize that this guy is awesome and we bond over saving money on the bridge toll by smoking via the internets. My new bff pipes up and squeals, “yea FUCk that bridge toll.”

I wanted to know more, how long has this mystery man been Seshrouletting? A: ive only  been on a couple times so far. 

What have his experiences been so far? A: i dont know, people smoking weed i guess.

What is his real name? A: call me poppa bear.

As soon as I go to ask my next question, Poppa Bear brings out a bong to really drive the whole Seshroulette experience home. Poppa Bear's bong is named “the wizard” because it takes him “to magical places” and he rips its shaft with true mastery. Then he brings out a blunt larger than Snoop Dogg's and I've decided that I've had enough when he starts complaining about getting ash on his couch. 

So, when those dirt bike riding cops in Dolores Park start cracking down on everyone's smoke seshes in the park, at least you know you have a virtual haven to find solace in.  Seshroulette, where you'll never have to worry about smoking alone bro.

How to be a polite neighbor.

Letter from my neighbor:

Hey guys-

I know you just moved in recently- but please quit walking on your heels… This place reverberates every step. I would really appreciate it. It vibrates my whole ceiling. It's an old bldg.
thanks-
your neighbor =)

My response: 

Hey Bros, 

Thanks for the letter! I've always wanted a pen pal. I just wanted to come right out and say it, I'm a person. I saw that you requested I stop walking on my heels, but because of evolution, I'm afraid that's the only way I know how to walk. For your convenience I'm including a list of animals that don't walk on their heels. I'll even draw a chart to scale for you. 

Of course, right off of the bat (that's a saying, I don't actually play baseball), I thought of the velociraptor (of Jurassic Park fame).  They're a lot like cats, except for the lack of fur, whiskers, cute little purring and their tendency to play with fake mice. Anyway, dogs, mice, scarecrows, real crows, and sharks also do not walk on their heels/cannot walk/do not have feet. 

I hope you find this information helpful, and sorry about the chart, but I drew it life-size and I'm afraid this piece of paper only covers the size of a dog's belly.

Regards,
'Guys' <— I can't believe you already have a nickname for me. 

P.S. We're not really “bros” unless we are! Weird. Have you ever seen Star Wars?

Do Skechers Shape-Ups 4realz Shape You Up?

                 Will Skechers Shape-Ups bring Joe Montana out of retirement?

                 Will Skechers Shape-Ups bring Joe Montana out of retirement?

I’ve been noticing a growing trend of women clad in sweat pants and Skechers Shape-Ups around the city and I think that someone needs to say something about it.  I probably shouldn’t be writing this post as I’ve been saying that I am going to join a gym for, well, 6 months now.  But fuck it.  This is why people have blogs amirite?  So we can be dicks about stuff without any self reflection?  Or maybe that’s just why I blog.  In either case, August is a slow bloggin’ month for me and Uptown Almanac has become a focal point of guilt/obligation/obsession because of this.  So, I think the only cure for this self-imposed guilt is to take a moment to hash out my growing despise for women in Skechers Shape-Ups!

I didn’t really think about the whole Skechers Shape-Ups phenomena until recently when I was dropping off Zach at some liquor store near our friend Clark’s house a few weeks ago.  Approaching 23rd and Mission, it hit us.  Is there 4realz a Skechers store in the Mission that’s actually still in business?  WTF?  Seems like that space should be some sort of Toms mega store where trustafarians can purchase ugly footwear by the bulk, and subsequently feel like a saint becuz every horrible Toms fashion choice is a great choice for humanity! Meaning, every pair of Toms shoes purchased means another pair of Toms shoes for some kid in a developing country.  Win win, but I’m really digressing from the point here.  Point is, why is there a huge Skechers store in the Mission, and why do women wear Shape-Ups?

I get the idea of being lazy and getting fit at the same time, it’s the American dream!  But, isn’t there another way to be lazy and get fit that doesn’t offend my eyes?  The other day I was in the gallery that I work in when some lady strolled up in her Shape-Ups, decked out in some sort of ensemble with an elastic waste, acrylic nails, and comically accessorized her work-out fit with A BIG GULP acting like she owwwwned the place.  THESE are the people wearing Shape-Ups you guys.  I approached her, and in the best Dumb and Dumber impression I could possibly muster I said, “big gulps, huh?” and proceeded to ask her about her Shape Ups.  “Are they toning your butt and flattening your abs?”  The woman, the unsuspecting victim of my boredom just kinda looked at me, said she had a long day, and turned to leave.

Did I offend her and her Big Gulps?  Or was she simply trying to prove a point by walking out with her firm ass in my face. IDK, cuz nothing seemed too firm cept the Big Gulp in her hand.  But do Shape-Ups really shape you up?  The Huffington Post reports that according to the American Council on Exercise, ‘simply no evidence to support the claims that these shoes will help wearers exercise more intensely, burn more calories or improve muscle strength and tone.’ Skechers (and Joe Montana!) disagrees.

Do you have Shape-Ups?  Are your eyes offended by Shape-Ups?  Do you think that after a year of wearing Shape-Ups, Joe Montana will come out of retirement?  Who is buying Skechers in the Mission?  If you were going to buy Shape-Ups would you do it in the Mission?  If Skechers gave away a free pair of Shape-Ups to kids in developing countries for every pair you purchased would you buy Shape-Ups? Or would that be fucked up because kids in developing countries are already skinny?  Want to go get Big Gulps later?  Huh?

In One Hole and Out the Other

Earlier today, I stepped outside for a breath of fresh air and my 3rd burrito in 16 hours only to find that someone stole both my neighbor's and my crappy, decaying doormats.  Slightly annoyed at the fact I will no longer be able to wipe the dog shit off my kicks onto an ugly print of flowers, I decided to mention my plight to my friend Ben.  “Whatever, this is what my buddy has to put up with in the Tendernob.”

How Long Does It Take You to Pee On a Mission Sidewalk?

If you answered 52 seconds, you're just a hair faster than this industry dirtbag:

This amazing, 720p spectacle is brought to us by Blowing It In San Francisco, which after a mere 2 posts has established itself as a fine San Francisco blog.  I mean, this is one epic find: it's some dude pissing outside of BENDER'S BAR AND GRILL while cars wiz past and pedestrians stroll by seemingly unaware.  During the motherfucking day.

Who said the Mission can't keep it classy?

What's Punk?

In case you haven't noticed yet, the other night, someone dumped a bucket of chalk on Valencia St. so drunks could decorate the sidewalk with wonderful drawings of talking sandwiches, penises, and statements such as “HIPSTERS MUST BE DESTROYED.”  The real highlight of the temporary mayhem was this list of punk stuff, including wonderful un-punk things like Hot Pockets, Pop Tarts and fartz. 

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