So the other day my friend Kahla showed me this highly comprehensive list of types of bitches that a third grade teacher in Washington, D.C. found on the floor in a hallway of school … and I am LOVING IT. My personal favorites are “got all that mouth but can't step bitches,” “bitches that be ignoring you when you know they can hear you” and “uncreative bitches.” You can find the whole list here.

This morning Kahla & I were inspired to compile a Types of Bitches list more suited to our immediate social environment. We're calling it Types of Bitches: Mission Edition. With only 25 entries it's just the beginning of the full compilation, so feel free to suggest any bitches we may have missed in the comments.

So far, we have identified:

1) Chrome bag but no bike bitches
2) Resident DJ bitches
3) Selling doilies and owl necklaces on Etsy bitches
4) White bitches who think they're “down” 'cause they listen to Too Short
5) Throwing up in Delirium bitches
6) Toms-wearing smelly feet bitches
7) “Are those skulls?” bitches
8) You just locked the wrong wheel of your bike up bitches
9) Head-to-toe American Apparel bitches
10) Unemployed bitches who think they're artists
11) Flask of Ancient Age in the bar bitches
12) Morrissey tattoo having bitches
13) Moustache party throwing bitches
14) Crush on a bike messenger bitches
15) Trust fund having but pretending to be poor bitches
16) Leather-wearing vegan bitches
17) Thinking they're all that modeling vintage for their friend's eBay store bitches
18) Peacock feather earring bitches
19) Walk of Shame down 24th St. bitches
20) Bitches you can tell were scene kids back in high school
21) Won't stop talking about how much they love Portland bitches
22) Stripping to pay for that postgraduate philosophy degree bitches
23) Bitches fucking that guy you used to fuck
24) Been “26” for the past five years bitches
25) Butchering Salt-n-Pepa songs at 500 Club on Sunday night bitches

What type of bitch are you? Right now I'll admit to being #11 and slightly #14. I was #6 for about two weeks back in the summer of 2007. It wasn't a good look.

Okay, you've all seen this so I'm sure you already skimmed past it, but in case you're still reading, I'll provide you with some quick tips on how to prepare for Jesus, since, let's face it, you're probably not ready. If this lady is spending her holiday weekend asking if you're ready, then you're really not ready.  If you're still reading this, then I know, you're not ready. 

Basically one of five scenarios could happen when Jesus comes. 

1. Pool Party: Think back to Noah's ark. Now think about that “I'm on a Boat” song. Now throw in like 100 wild animals. THINK OF ALL THE PSEUDO HIPSTER GIRLS THAT WOULD BE ALL OVER THAT. You're so ready. Bring your ironic towel. 

2. Apocalypse: Jesus will dim the lights and say “it's about to heat up in here!” Then some crappy drum music will kick in and suddenly it's that dance party that you always talk shit about, but you really want to go to, but no one wants to go with you, so you just sit at home and drink PBR and talk about how American Apparel has really sold out, but you're still wearing their clothes because, dude, you bought it before they sold out, and your parents haven't given you money in a while so you can't buy anything else. But whatever, heat does some cool stuff to lomo film so don't worry about the end of the world, worry about your next Facebook photo album.

3. Super Zombies: Didn't Jesus come back from the dead? Wouldn't this be him coming back from the dead twice? Aren't zombies totally hip and cool right now? This could be the next big iPhone app. Developers, get on this, you could be rich, but the world would also be over, so it's a toss up.

4. Wes Anderson Film: Jason Schwartzman could play Jesus and it'll show Jesus doing his little Jesus daily tasks with the Alec Baldwin voice over: “Jesus Son of God wakes everyday at 6 am to the Beatles 'Good Morning, Good Morning' because his first grade school crush once said “if you don't wake up to a good morning then you'll have a bad life.” He makes two eggs, fried, for breakfast but always throws one away. After he showers he brushes his teeth for exactly 15 seconds before spitting. He takes his coat with him to work even when it's hot outside and feels guilty about air conditioning. He spends his evenings looking up drink coasters online with The Weather Channel playing on his TV. He believes cats have a greater meaning, dogs are overrated and electrolytes are complete bullshit.”

5. Shower: I mean, Jesus is coming. That could get messy. 

I hope you took notes and I'm sorry for number 5, but I mean, how could I not go down that path?

The other night my friend Caryn decided to blurt out “San Francisco trash cans remind me of KKK members” and now I cannot get the imagery out of my head.  A morning stroll to purchase OJ and Frosted Flakes?  The KKK is on the corner.  A late night jaunt to Dolores Park?  There is a KKK cookout in front of Mission Pool (pictured).

Because misery loves company, I'm sharing this tragedy with you all.  Does anyone have a better suggestion as to what these cans look like?

I've been seeing a lot of D.E.A.T.H.'s tags around the Mission but this is the first “art” I've seen around the hood.  Neat!