— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |
One of my roommates celebrated a birthday last night so, naturally, I had to spend a solid 15 minutes reviewing last night’s behavior on the ‘social internet’ this morning. Looks like my passcode was unbreakable last night. Sweet. Then I found this:
Happy fucking MLK day.
— By Jim Chaney |
If the recession could be summed up into a fast food item, it could likely be the new Mac Snack Wrap from McDonald’s. I was alerted to the existence of this wrap while watching the Chargers lose to the Jets today, a commercial showed an attractive girl of vague ethnicity with curly hair biting into a Mac Snack Wrap. She looked at the camera with her snack wrap in her demographically inoffensive hands, gazed deep into my soul and said “eat this motherfucking snack wrap” with her eyes. Five minutes later I was at 16th and mission, hopping over an icehead on my way to McDonalds. I walk into the McDonalds and order my value priced $1.49 Mac Snack Wrap and a medium fries, “hold the corn syrup water my good man, I came merely for transfats”. I carry it home, only slightly caring that I am a chubby dude carrying a bag of McDonald’s home to eat alone.
The Mac Snack Wrap claimed to be “all that is Mac in a wrap”. It was, in that “all that is Mac in a wrap” is not very good. It looks a lot different from it’s advertised picture and it tastes roughly like a half-chewed Big Mac was deposited into a white corn tortilla. Iceberg lettuce, “special sauce” and new oddly shaped beef patties are not what we should be eating as human beings who respect ourselves. It is OK when stoned, but there is better food to eat at this price point, I recommend a tripe taco for $1.75 at an El Tonyanese truck if you want a tasty snack minus the self-loathing.
— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |
Dinner for one.
Even their parking lot is epic. They have one of my favorite rattle-can murals in the Mission even though I doubt you’ll ever see a mural tour swinging by the parking lot, which is probably a good thing because no one wants to take pictures of a homeless man wearing 3 jackets fucking a hooker over the hood of a Buick parked in front of a bunch of graf frogs (true story).
Delano’s IGA: it’s all class.
— By Laura B |
Sorry, I know this isn’t a iphone photo of graffiti (KEVMO WILL BE BACK OTS MOMENTARILY) but local blogger, Telling Compulsion, has put together a graded list of non-profits that are providing relief in Haiti. It might help you decide who you’re donating to. And you should be donating to, Internet Money Bags. You’re way overpaid and are in the rare position of being able to help out, so do it TO IT. Also, if you’re into eating, a group is putting together a vegan bakesale with all the money going toward earthquake relief. What else is happening in SF? Let an Uptown Almanac know!
Finally, now might be a good time to read up on earthquake preparedness in the bay area. However, looking at that site, I notice something is missing. Being fat should totally be listed as crucial in earthquake survival. All you skinny assholes will be dying off left and right and my fat reserves will ensure I’m livin’ large way into The Jetsons. FAT PEOPLE RULE AT EARTHQUAKES!
We now return to your regularly scheduled program of spray painted penises on sides of banks. Which is important too.
— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |
Following a conversation about how we all drank too much this weekend:
Kirt: “Ah, this is all I need, some chew and some juice to drink.”
Me: “Is there vodka in that?”
Kirt : “No.”
Me: “Empty calories.”
— By Laura B |
My current favorite bay area blog (besides yours) is The Dude Whisperer. Not only does this fool know what the fuck he’s talking about, he’s also very funny and dreamy GOD STOP TALKING ABOUT A MARRIED MAN LIKE THAT LAURA. I was reading some older entries when I stumbled upon this gem about the guy with the too long schlong (or is it that his ladies vagina is tiny like pencil sharpener?). Delightful. I strongly suggest you send him a question and if you do, let me know b/c I totally want to make fun of you on this blog I mean report it tastefully.
The DW also just posted this classy pic from AwkwardFamilyPhotos on his Facebook page. The only thing that would make it better is if the family were super fat. Everything is better when fat people are involved.
— By Kate Horton |
(photo via everydaydude.tumblr.com)
— By Kate Horton |
— By Bailey Genine |
I am an amateur pedestrian. I don’t get paid for it, it’s merely a hobby at this point in my life, although I’m not entirely sure professional aspirations are even possible. Like many athletes (if I could be so bold as to refer to this form of art as a sport), I also dabble in walking peripherals. As a runner participates in triathlons, a San Francisco pedestrian also rides MUNI. MUNI is the public transportation “authority” in San Francisco, and also allows for the most action I get all year. You can grab a train or bus and ride through all the creepy, lousy, awesome, dirty, sexy and slutty streets of SF and then get dropped off right at your front door, it’s really quite amazing. However, along with MUNI’s excellent city coverage comes the people you generally try to avoid. I’d like to say that these people allow for little life lessons, or as I like to call it “Things I Learn on MUNI”.
1. Always carry a bag, the bigger the better (as goes for most things in life). If you have a bag, you pretty much get away with taking up two seats. Keep it on your shoulder and let it “overflow” onto the seat next to you, but if the bus is crowded, put it on your lap, don’t be a dick.
2. No headphones, no privacy. You’d be surprised how many people don’t give a shit if you’re reading, texting, or just not interested. If you appear to be physically able to hear, they’ll talk to you. This could be as harmless as complimenting your shoes, or as insulting as asking you for change and then getting pissed off because you only had 30 cents and you’re like “hello, I had taco truck for lunch and it’s really quite the bargain.”
3. Make eye contact with one person you find attractive. Be careful with this though, one false move and you’ll have a stranger either following you off the bus or asking you if it hurt, you know, when you fell from heaven. Make your move right before you get off at your stop, keep it brief, smile a little (no teeth), and then leave and don’t look back. What? It’ll make their day and, maybe even a Craig’s List Missed Connection (score!).
4. Always give your seat to the elderly, you’ll be old one day and I’m sure you’ll appreciate it. You’ll come across some bitchy old ladies that expect it, but take it with a grin and then, I don’t know, tell them that their cat is ugly and has bad hair.
5. Don’t. Touch. Anything. Seriously, gross. Hand sanitizer only goes so far and before you know it you’re knocked up, guys, you’re not excluded from this.
I’m sure there are like a million (well, seven, maybe eight, tops) more lessons you can learn on MUNI, but basically what I’m trying to say is, guy in the red sweatshirt on the N Judah at like 6 PM, call me!
— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |
It seems like every time the San Andreas fault has a bowel movement, someone from my family emails me about the “CA deathtrap,” complete with a link to some sensational SF Chronicle article quoting some random “fact” like “there is a 99% chance of a 4.2 earthquake beaching a whale in the next 20 years, millions of residents will die.” If your family is not from San Francisco, I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. Anyways, dropped this note to my mom last time this happened:
Mom,
Thank you so much for the concern you have expressed for my safety over the past 12 hours. I know you’re likely concerned that I, your beloved son, is not ready with a package of supplies (food/water/flashlights/cat food/flannel shirts/spare 700c bike tubes/portable juicer/Season 2 of Nip/Tuck on DVD) in the event of disaster. This email is to confirm to you that I am ready with all the practical items one could pack in an “Armageddon Bag.”Let’s face it, the apocalypse is on its way, and it’s definitely going to kick off in the Bay Area (Gavin Newsom’s hair is developing its own orbit, God will strike him down [editors note - this line was from a 2007 email, a time that it was still “acceptable” to poke fun at our mayors wonderful haircut. I know. We’re all sorry.]). The coming earthquake will make the chaos of New Orleans looks like your average Central Park mugging. We must be ready for the oh-day.
1) This is the basic overview of what I am packing. I have left some key items out of the photos for various reasons. These will be covered after the photo tour.
2) I know the SF government tried to make these illegal once upon a time but some of us live on Capp St. Besides being used to ‘bust shots’ at ‘haters,’ I can use the gunpowder to blow apart locks; a neat trick to aid in looting useful supplies like big screen TVs/iPods/Zunes/Avocados/Lucky Charms cereal.
3) Condoms - I didn’t feel like dumping the trash bag full of them on the table, so here is 3. Clearly I’ll, uh, need some practice before, uh, I help repopulate the planet? Yeah, that’s it.
4) Snacks - Popcorn and punjab eggplant are delicious treats to eat while kicking back on my roof and shooting looters attempting liberate my stuff from my house. The knifes are primary for shanking dogs that try to ‘start shit.’
5) Tarot, fixed-gear bicycle/messenger playing cards, and Uno - I’ll need the tarot cards to guide my decisions in a world of chaos and uncertainly. Clearly I’ll need playing cards so I can gamble. Uno just sorta snuck its way in there.
6) This iPod barely fires anymore, but it is pumped full of fresh jams from Ratatat, Kid Cudi, and various Thong Song remixes. I figure the iPod doesn’t have much utility but it will score me some solid retro style points since this bad-boy is almost 5 years old at this point. Hella vintage.
Missing items from the pictures (where I hide them is a mystery!):
- Revolution: A Manifesto - Ron Paul’s book is pretty popular with the urban Google aristocrats. It’ll probably become the new bible. Recognize.
- Blowtorch - The more looting tools, the better.
- A hacksaw - same
- My neighbors car keys - Fuck it, a stolen Yaris is much more fun than that totaled VW Jetta
- Anything Practical - That’s no fun. Plus, if I need “medical supplies” I’ll just loot that shit. If Katrina taught us anything, me being white means I’m just “surviving.”
So Mom, I hope you can go forth trusting my judgment about important matters such as emergency kits.
PEACE.
Few hours later, I get this:
I am so relieved that your years as a cub scout taught you something. I have vivid memories of those happy lessons on proper use of knives. You clearly absorbed more than I thought as you butchered the Ivory soap.
Burn.
