Uptown Almanac

Totally disappointed in the 'community meeting' last night.  I sat there the entire time expecting some bro in a beanie to leap over the crowd, smack Bevan Dufty in the face with a longboard and proceed to take a massive hit from a pipe because he needed to 'mellow out.'  But no, it was just 40 or so NIMBY and political geezers talking a lot but accomplishing nothing.  "Dunno bout this, dunno about that, but the community is involved."  Sweet gramps, how can I get involved?  "We dunno yet, email us or something."  Literally.  That was the conversation.  This is your government at work.

Naturally, the meeting wasn't just about the renovation.  No, we had to hear about every little complaint about the park in general.

"Oh hipsters," cackled some white-haired lady when talking about how there are 40ozs and blunts in her designated off-leash area.

"There's too much noise," said some guy who insisted on telling us, repeatedly, that he has lived next door to the park for 32 years.

"GRAFFITI!!!" barked everyone over the age of fun.

The police implored the neighbors to watch over the park and call the police if anything suspicious occurs or people stay in the park beyond some arbitrarily defined park closure hour.

My Mission District

The other day, I had the pleasure of watching some chick get stabbed in the face on my street.  Crack, whores, shootings, muggings and other various, you know, real crimes are not a rare occurrence on my side of Mission Street.  Yet, these legacy residents are so wrapped up in their goal of forming a permanent storm cloud over the park that they believe bothering the police about someone spray painting a bathroom or drinking a beer at 10:05pm is a top police priority.  The worst part?  No one was there to tell them they are wrong.

Also, you don't tweet and you don't facebook and you're a new restaurant at 4th and Townsend? OMG YOU'RE SO ALT/HERE ARE MY PANTIES. Playa, please. Who is starting the dead pool on this one? 

Thanks, South of the Slot! 

Oh NIMBY neighbors.  Look, I can totally appreciate how much it sucks to have to clean up a mess you didn't make.  For example, someone takes a fat shit on my front steps once a month.  But, you know, I made a choice to live in a city and, more specifically, a neighborhood not known for being suburbs-meets-city livin'.  Sometimes people lack an understanding of the street art code of conduct.  Mourn, repaint, and move on.

From the Safe Clean Green mailing list:

New landscaping at 18th & Dolores gets defaced

For those of us who were involved in making happen or have been appreciating the new landscaping at the corner of 18th and Dolores (Thank you Rec&Park for getting it done!), it was upsetting to learn that last Saturday night three taggers defaced it with their black, red and white "urine spots." (let's call this crap what it is!)

PURE VANDALISM!

Removing the graffiti correctly, i.e., "seamlessly," is no simple task on surfaces like this (stained pressure-treated wood). The boneheads who did this perhaps didn't realize--or more likely, didn't care--that what took them all of a minute each to do may take 2-3 hours for someone else to undo.

In my dreams I imagined an enlightened judge sentencing each one to being chained to the adjacent lamp post for a day, forced to wear a breadboard announcing I'M THE BONEHEAD WHO DID THIS, then after each has had their day in the limelight, have them all come together and remove all trace of their handiwork. It was a most satisfying dream. And then I woke up . . .

Wow! A deal on a dating service! File this one under: this is one of the things that if i ever do it, you're to take me to a field and shoot me!

Plus side: I'm always thinking how you can work these group deals and this one is tricky because it's $99 BUT in addition to the dating advice (hehehehe), you supposedly get to go to one black tie event with an open bar during in it. Okay, well, you could show up dressed as Uncle Buck OR T. Pain AND/OR both and then down about ten drinks, eat all the snacks, and freak every person in the room. On the way out, get on a table and give a speech about how love is an illusion for the stupid and the weak and then simulate making sex to the table. When you're invited to leave, make sure to steal a few bottles of booze and try to feel up as many people as possible on the way out. Call me from jail, I'll come bail you out. For $99. SEE WHAT I DID THERE. KINDA. 

Best part of their site:

What qualifies me as a matchmaker?
I enjoy being around people and getting to know them. I make friends easily and i have a natural ability to put people at ease. Thats why I have my glass boutique! I have excellent people skills, i listen well, I'm sincere and hard working. I have had my share of dating and also was in Reality Show for dating.

I totally trust these people. 

[From Ed! Who notes that in the cartoon, the lady is thinking about a heart and the dude is thinking about boobs! THAT IS SO LIKE A WOMAN/MAN!!]

Previously on Uptown Almanac

• OMG Slumber Party at The Fairmont!
• Mission Minis Needs to Get Their Shit Together and Feed Me Some Fucking Cupcakes