If the City Really Cared About the Environment / Cleaning Up Dolores Park, They Wouldn't Make You Brown Bag It

Last night a few of us wanted to get faded walking the length of Divis and decided that was a job properly handled by tallcans.  Of course, the packie was already out of properly sized bags so we had to use fullsize bags.  For fucksake, this is just ridiculous.  Look, I know we're protecting little children who only know Budweiser as “the thing daddy drinks before he hits mommy” and all, but is this really necessary.

  1. People are I am clearly going to drink in public regardless of whatever law you pass.
  2. It's an inexplicably useless waste of paper.
  3. Half the trash tumbleweeds in Dolores Park are brownbags that the recyclers toss to the ground after picking up peoples half-full beers. (Sorry to bring up the EVER PRESSING CONCERN of Dolores Park but this shit is lifeblood)

Anyways, since clearly a blog post isn't going to save the world, I thank you for listening to my rant.

Dodgers Fans Call it NOPA

Guys, I don't spend too much time up in the Western Addition/NOPA/the Land of the Lost because it requires me to bike up a 4-block gradual incline to get there.  The horror!  I wasn't aware that there was a class war / NorCal-SoCal debate surrounding the proper name of the neighborhood.  Someone care to properly fill me in?

Profiling Marina Residents

Marina residents, with their powerful appetite for alcohol and hair product, are the most agile species of homosapien found in San Francisco. The exact number of species that exists is a topic of debate, but scientists agree that there are either four or five distinct types. The most common found in nature are the shit-faced sororitute and the Ed Hardy.

Extremely expressive social creatures, Marina residents communicate with body gestures as well as with screeches, barks and whines that can be heard on Union St. as far away as Chestnut. Marina residents subsist primarily on ripened fruit, insects, birth control, Jägermeister and poultry, with marijuana cigarettes making up the remaining 20-30% of their diet. Fashion, sobriety and pregnancy are the animals’ only predators. Marina residents are quick and flexible, with a life span of roughly 27 years in the wild and 30 plus years in captivity.

These acrobatic primates demonstrate fission and fusion behavior: at night they bind together into one large unit of 20-40 individuals, but during the day they scour downtown in smaller groups of three to four. Scientists believe that this divide and conquer strategy allows all members of a community an equal opportunity to forage for marketing careers.

Females become sexually mature as early as age fourteen, while males are ready to mate at fifteen. They typically give birth to one offspring after a gestation period of nine months. Females breed year-round, delivering an infant to a Presidio dumpster yearly.  Unfortunately, invasive species from Washington D.C., threatens the native population.

(Editor's Note: this text is almost entirely adapted from a profile of Spider Monkeys in Costa Rica)

BREAKING NEWS: Hipster-hating gets way too real

(DRAMATIC RE-ENACTMENT, PRETEND THE TRICYCLE IS A CAR)

(All legit info bitten directly from the 'professional' journalists at KTVU; read some real news coverage here)

KTVU (try saying that out loud without following it up with a “FOX 2!”) is reporting that a motorist went on a rampage in the Mish and Potrero Hill tonight.  Four cyclists were the victims of consecutive hit and run attacks, presumably by the same aggbro.  Emergency response units were first called in at 9:45pm.  SFPD Lt. Lyn Tomioka told KTVU that the assaults occurred at the following locations:

  1. 2700 block of Harrison.
  2. 2800 block of 24th.
  3. Intersection of 23rd and Pennsylvania. 
  4. 17th and Missouri.

Three of the cyclists have been hospitalized and all are expected to survive.  The perp fled on foot like a little bitch after the 17th and Missouri assault.  Alright Mission, grab your pitchforks and find this douchebag, he's out there hurting people and giving us armchair haters a bad name.  Feel free to submit any sketches/artist renderings of the suspect to us at mailto:holler@uptownalmanac.com

In light of these events and out of respect for the victims I'm asking for a moment of silence, a 40oz of Colt 45 to be spilt at each location, and a full 24 hours without any 'fixie' jokes.  I'm looking at you Kevin.

(Author's note: In all seriousness, I hope everyone is okay.   Let's hope this fucktard gets caught and prosecuted quickly.)

Hipster APOCALYPSE

So there’s an art opening at Cafe Royale this Thursday called “Hipster Apocalypse,” and reading about it I’m just like….ughhhhhhh. I mean, read the description:

Ironically, although hipsters have existed in one form or another for decades, the hipster movement has become more main stream, influencing the American status quo by supporting alternative art, music, and fashion. Like an epidemic of entitlement, the hipster condition has spread across America and over the seas to Japan and other countries susceptible to American culture. We see hipsters every day riding their fixed-gear bicycles on their way to studying film at local art schools. They drink the most expensive coffee and the cheapest beer. Imagine a world where alternative culture is pop culture; a world where Vampire Weekend plays the half time show at the Super Bowl instead of Bruce Springsteen; a world where stores selling used records and clothing are as large and as common as Walmart. The purpose of this show is to create awareness of the hipster way and the rise in demand for outrageous moustaches, vacuum sealed jeans, high-school sports tee shirts, and the over-consumption of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Now, (TAKING ALL OF MY STRENGTH TO OVERLOOK THEIR USE OF THE WORD IRONIC) I don’t generally drink Pabst because I have taste buds, but I do a lot of hipstery things like not eating meat and loving boys with ironic facial hair. And I’m just tired of the term “hipster”.  It feels like 20-somethings are divided into “hipsters” and “bros and beezies,” and they’re supposed to hate each other and be condescending towards each other and blah blah blah.  And at this point I'm like WHO CARES. We all grew up with a sense of entitlement because most of us were born to upper middle class white people who coddled us and told us we were “special” while rearing us in suburbia and sending us to SAT prep classes because we were “destined to succeed.” Some of us embraced this upbringing, moved to the Marina, and continued to live off of the emotional and financial support of our parents. Others were like, “wait, but I’m different and I want people to know I’m different and SO not like my parents,” so they moved to the Mission and liked the same things everyone else liked, like second-hand flannel and oversized glasses, while continuing to live off of the emotional and financial support of our parents. So I guess my whole point is…don’t point the finger at hipsters for this culture of entitlement sweeping over the helpless nation “like an epidemic.” It’s my whole goddamned generation, and you created us.

That said, I'm sure it's all very lovely art (UNICORNS! RAAAAAINBOWS!!), and the reception goes from 8pm-midnight. make up your own minds, you goddamned conformists.

Being a Bay Area Car Salesman is "The Most Difficult Job in the World With the Exception of One and That's Being President of the United States"

Check out yet another amazing documentary from California is a place.  This time about about a 20-year-veteran car salesman from a non-defunct Alameda car-lot.

Big Vinny from California is a place. on Vimeo.

Once upon a time, he was a local celebrity. He earned his nickname after doing a tv commercial for a Round Table pizza named The Big Vinny. For over twenty years, he was the face and voice of a successful used car business in small town Alameda. He sold and he sold and he sold and Californians drove away happy. Today, everything has changed. The business is dead. The lots sit empty. Big Vinny is out of work. But he still remembers the good times.