— By Dylan Macturk |
It has (more than likely) been well documented that San Francisco was hit hardest by the economic struggles that barely registered in the more exotic, booming metropolises of this country, such as the lush, resort-fueled paradises of Detroit, Michigan and Davenport, Iowa. Everyone here has felt the pinch in one way or another, from the rich man who has been forced to replace the dollar he used to put in a wheelchair-bound homeless woman's cup with a shame-ridden side-to-side head shake and a spritely dodge of her outstreched hand, all the way down to the other rich man whose weekly trips to Michael Mina just haven't been the same now that tough times allow him only the Russian osetra caviar with his three-course prix fixe meal, rather than the Golden osetra he and his mistress had grown accustomed to. The slumped shoulders of the insanely wealthy have nearly replaced the Golden Gate Bridge as our most iconic image and none of you seem to have a solution.
What you need is a really good movie idea to sink all your money into, San Francisco, and that is where I come in. My brain has hatched what, with your help, is sure to become the greatest cinematic achievement since The Land Before Time X: The Great Longneck Migration.
Behold:
The film stars National Board of Review Freedom of Expression Award-winning actor and American hero, Richard Gere, in the role he was born to play: CableACE Award-nominee, Richard Gere.
The film opens with a shot of 1999's Sexiest Man Award-winner, Richard Gere, walking into a laboratory and meeting a scientist, played by none other than Empire Award-winning actor, Pierce Brosnan. He has been unanimously chosen by the entire world to be the first person cloned. The cloning is a huge success, as people everywhere rejoice that they now live in a world with two Richard Geres. Quickly, though, two Geres just aren't enough. A GERE IN EVERY HOME becomes the rallying cry of the masses. Richard Geres begin pouring off the assembly line. It still isn't enough. Demands are made for more personalized Richard Geres. The scientists begin to tinker with their cloning device. Black Richard Geres, Pudgy Richard Geres, even the ultra-expensive Teacup Gere, begin flying off the shelves. The Geres soon outnumber the non-Geres and everyone is extremely happy to live in a world that is so Gere-centric. But soon the flaws in the design are exposed and the Geres begin acting erratically, most notably in their sudden desire to kill every living thing that is not Richard Gere. Chaos ensues.
The original Richard Gere, being the only one who truly knows what goes on in the mind of a Richard Gere, is called upon to defeat the massive army of Richard Geres. The next hour or so is filled with gratuitous violence, as Richard Gere dispatches of Richard Gere after David di Donatello Award-winning Richard Gere in a variety of innovative and humorous ways.
The climax comes when Richard Gere fights the leader of the Richard Geres in a giant gerbil wheel. Richard Gere kills him and then flashes that classic Richard Gere smirk at the camera. The movie ends and the title of the movie fills the screen:
FIRST GERE
During the credits there is a shot of a Richard Gere crawling out of some rubble, possibly opening the door for the sequel: Second Gere: Gere Today, Gone Tomorrow
Additional Notes:
- The movie is expected to gross over $18,000,000,010.
- The tagline for First Gere will be “Wish You Were Gere”
- The plot of the movie can be viewed from the angle of Buddhism, making the film about Richard Gere's struggle to destroy his dependence on “self”, or it can just be viewed from the angle of “oh wow, that was the best movie I've ever seen.”
- Saturn Award-winner Pierce Brosnan is the backup choice to play the lead role of Richard Gere, as well as the roles of all additional Geres that appear throughout the film. Richard Gere is the backup choice to play the head scientist.
- This will be a silent film.
So there you go, people of San Francisco, I have shown you the way out of your financial hardships. Empty your piggy banks of their blood diamonds and check under your couch cushions for trust funds, because You + Me + Richard Gere = $$$
You can send all investments in the form of cash or personal check made out to
Dylan Macturk
High Tide Bar, stool #6
Tenderloin, SF
Feel free to leave tagline suggestions for Third Gere in the comments and don't forget to add Bee Season starring Richard Gere to your Netflix queue.
Comments (9)
We have to stop this Gere on Gere crime before it’s too late.
Further evidence of the LoveBox genius.
“What we have, Gere, is failure to communicate.”
“We’re here, we’re Gere, and we’re rupturing your uterine walls.”
I once had a dream (on malarial meds) that Richard Gere was being crucified, very gruesome, and all I could think once I awoke was “Isn’t Richard Gere a Buhddist?”.
The tagline for the first one could also be Gere Zero. That way you can throw in a reference to the Cambodian genocide. Surely Mr. Gere has expressed remorse for letting that happen.
Maybe all the Geres would take over the earth, kind of like Skynet and the Terminators. Then the sequel could be about another army created from a cloned celeb and could have the tagline: The Gere Hunter.
Then, when all the Geres are dead, Ozzy and Lita could sing a duet called No More Geres.
From Gere to Eternity
Cape Gere
Okay I’ll stop. You really need to figure out how to put this together in a short film and pitch it to um, Hollywood. Fucking genius, just like the person who took photos of the pigeons near all those owls.
I can’t stop.
King Gere, Gere Window,
Whoa. You just stumbled upon a market that definitely needs to be tapped into:
Remakes of films with Richard Gere as the only actor. Cape Fear was alright, but how much better would it be if it were filmed with an all-Gere cast as Cape Gere.
I really need to get in touch with him somehow.
This is an amazing idea. Can we film on-location in the Mission? I’m sure Kevin has ridden his bicycle past some ideal shooting spots while wearing a sponsored cycling bib. What say you, Kevbro?
first off, this is a brilliant idea. i don’t see why this wouldn’t work…secondly, i would pay a good chunk of money to see gere cast as the lead in “precious”…..only to have it set in gerey, indiana.