I know we typically joke around here on Uptown Almanac, but I'd like to talk to you about something serious.  The Rapture is coming this evening, and I hope you join me in giving ourselves to The Lord.

People like to laugh about End Times.  They even point to Matthew 24:36 as evidence that Jesus himself does not know the time of the Rapture in advance.  But reading the news today, you must see that the Antichrist is alive somewhere.  We are not talking about fifty, one hundred, or even a thousand years down the road, look at where the world is already!  When the Rapture happens, this man of wickedness will bring peace, and the world will hail him as the savor of humanity, and then sudden destruction hits.  That's what The Bible teaches.  But before the world burns, a total miracle will happen.  Total transformation in the blink of an eye.

The Father left this existence alone, The Son left alone, but the Holy Ghost is leaving with The Church.  And when we leave, the salt will go, the light will go, and this world will be in darkness.  Such devastation will take place.  But God won't allow the righteous to be on Earth while this is happening.

You might be worried that you'll won't be saved.  That you'll be forgotten.  Our Father forgets no righteous man.  Before destroying Sodom, God sent the angels to take Lot home, and Lot was a drunk and an incestuous fornicator—just like the rest of you.  If God did it for Lot, he'll do it for you.

So repent now and be saved by God before he opens up the Heavens and burns Dolores Park and Bender's.  Repent the time you urinated on the Dolores Park Muni tracks because you were too impatient to wait in line for the bathroom.  Repent for fornicating in the Pop's bathroom with someone just for liking their sick tattoo.  Repent for playing MGMT at a house party back in February.  Repent for your sins while you still have time and you will be forgiven.

So join me in giving ourselves to our lord and savior Jesus Christ and we'll spend our days drinking Pabst with 2pac and Biggie in a graffiti-filled Heaven.