How to be a polite neighbor.

Letter from my neighbor:

Hey guys-

I know you just moved in recently- but please quit walking on your heels… This place reverberates every step. I would really appreciate it. It vibrates my whole ceiling. It's an old bldg.
your neighbor =)

My response: 

Hey Bros, 

Thanks for the letter! I've always wanted a pen pal. I just wanted to come right out and say it, I'm a person. I saw that you requested I stop walking on my heels, but because of evolution, I'm afraid that's the only way I know how to walk. For your convenience I'm including a list of animals that don't walk on their heels. I'll even draw a chart to scale for you. 

Of course, right off of the bat (that's a saying, I don't actually play baseball), I thought of the velociraptor (of Jurassic Park fame).  They're a lot like cats, except for the lack of fur, whiskers, cute little purring and their tendency to play with fake mice. Anyway, dogs, mice, scarecrows, real crows, and sharks also do not walk on their heels/cannot walk/do not have feet. 

I hope you find this information helpful, and sorry about the chart, but I drew it life-size and I'm afraid this piece of paper only covers the size of a dog's belly.

'Guys' <— I can't believe you already have a nickname for me. 

P.S. We're not really “bros” unless we are! Weird. Have you ever seen Star Wars?

Comments (47)

That’s a shitload of unimaginative sarcasm for a valid request. City living does come with certain unspoken rules of behavior and engagement that really aren’t a threat to your freedoms; they simply allow people in densely-packed living arrangements to peacefully co-exist.
So, why be such a surly shitsack?

I think “surly shitsack” sums it up nicely. This person could have been far less polite to you.

Congrat’s: You’re really a piece of shit.

i like it - selfish as hell right off the bat. What a good neighbour.

now your neighbors know you’re a total slore.

ohh bailey…

So it’s your response letter that falls into the “douchebaggery”category. Right?

To all of those who were wondering, I don’t even own a pair of heels. To those who said something about “unspoken rules of behaviour” I’m not a loud person, I’m actually a very quiet person. Plus, it’s not like I don’t have upstairs neighbors making all kinds of noise, either. It’s called living in building from 1910, they’re loud, we all deal. Also, they waited until 1 am to “sneakily” give me this letter. I walked up to their door at 3 pm and gave it to them, so as for being a douchebag, it’s definitely not me.

I guess this makes it official, the SF Gate readers of the world have discovered this blog.

R.I.P. the days of having a readership with a sense of humor.

Ahhhh seriously! If my neighbors take it as anything but a HUGE JOKE then they’re the SF Gates’ number one fans. Anyway, I guess I should stop tap dancing up here, my legs are getting tired.

Backtracking is for politicians and evangelical preachers when they’re busted giving BJs in PRRs. Your neighbors didn’t pick your name in some lottery. They’re calling you Hippo Hips. Passing the buck by saying that the people above you stomp doesn’t cut it.
How they delivered the note is irrelevant.
It won’t kill you to adjust to your surroundings.

I’m not backtracking. I can’t adjust to my surroundings because I’m not loud.

Actually, the way a note is delivered means a lot:

Basically these dudes just jumped to some conclusion that heals were a problem and delivered a passive-aggressive note to “solve” the issue. A mature person would have knocked on her door, said “hey, we’ve been hearing a lot of tap-tap-tap from your apartment. Any idea what it is? Maybe we could figure something out to help reduce this problem.”

Wait, what am I talking about. Bailey, fuck you.

I didn’t even mention that I was awake and heard them tuck the note in my door. Whatever screw you, Kevin (omg just kidding come back!)

Yeah, Kevin, heals, coupled with poor writing skills definitely are a problem.

the original note is fair, being presumptuous notwithstanding. your response, however, is the longest non-sequitur in the history of written language, my hyperbole notwithstanding.

I only walk in my heels when I’m getting ready to go out for the night in drag.


I remember in my old pre 1900 building in the North End of Boston the girls above me finally annoyed me enough that I ventured up the stairs to see what they were doing to make such a racket… I found them rollerblading. At least you aren’t rollerblading

That’s funny because my brother lives down the street and before he got furniture he would skateboard around his apartment and I told him to stop because it must be so loud and annoying for the guy downstairs from him. Irony!

jeez…take ur damn shoes off. you’ll be more comfortable and it will stop them from complaining, for now anyway. but that said, when u live under someone you are going to hear them walk…sounds like u might be more of a “klomper” than the last tenant… stop klomping. next teen-age problem please.

I love you. Let’s be bros.

I thought it was a direct and friendly note. I ‘ll bet after your neighbors find out about your post on here you’ll discover good relations are more important than the page views you received.
I really have to wonder if the writers on this site are trolls, are they really so blind to the way that they appear ?

It’s not the writers who are the trolls…

Hahahaha score one for UA.

can you write a note to the hipster yuppie with the loud stupid motorcycle that lives across the street from us? your handwriting is a lot better than mine.

everyone on the block hates him but no one is clever enough to fire off a p.a. note.

you should have apologized in advance for the shoveling noises late at night but assured them that it was all for them. Actually I thought it was the perfect response. I wish my neighbors were as much fun.

hahaha you are a true friend.

I think you wrote that note just so you could post it on here. That’s pretty lame…

nothing in the original response implies that you didn’t give it to them. However, the tone of your note may have been influenced your desire to publish.

yeah this whole thing kinda reeks of trying too hard

Totally. Just because someone writes a note to their neighbor doesn’t automatically make them passive aggressive.Their note was completely sane and normal and not even on the slowest day of the century would have made it to the lovely and hilarious ranks of Yours was just sarcastic for the sake of impressing your friends with your OMG AREN’T I SO FUNNY READ THIS JOKE I MADE snark.

I love the note. Made my day. There is something to be said for, oh I don’t know, actually meeting your neighbor, saying hello and seeing their face before you leave a passive aggressive note (theirs).

This is one of the best things I have read, ever. Also, I would immolate my neighbor if they asked me not to walk around in heels. Your neighbor sounds like a rude whore.

Nice one BG. Hilarious. I have an old pair of Crocs lying around somewhere..

If you walk that loud, they may be in for a big surprise once you start having, ahem, intimate relations.

Hopefully the batteries will die. No, wait! Then she would angrily stomp around.

I really have nothing tom add because in think the posters that called you a shitbag and said letter was contrived for publication summed up most of my feelings. Wait, I do have something - this is typical SF self-entitled bitch syndrome. The reason they wrote a note was because they knew you’d be a cunt about it. There

PS your response isn’t funny

You saved them from spending a little time on Wikipedia, or maybe encouraged further research. Education’s never a bad thing.

Hey Bailey,

Can you do more shit to get letters from everyone on the block and then write more “SF self-entitled bitch” letters just to take pictures of for the blog. Cause’ I loved it. Haters gonna hate. You people need to get a hobby or go post on Reddit about hipsters or something.

everyone’s been drinking too much haterade. i thought it was amusing. you know…sometimes people read blogs to be amused. crazy!

Okay so everyone disregard anything you might think about the response and lets focus on the douchery that is her initial note. On what exactly does she expect you to walk or does she expect you to tip toe around your apartment? Really? And that’s reasonable? AND THEN she did a smiley face…

Bitch deserves everything she gets…

If you really wanna be a good neighbour, sub let your place to the ‘buy weed’ guy downstairs so she knows what it really is to have noise problems.

The response note was amusing, but “Um, no.” would have been sufficient.

When I visit my kids (8, 4) we stay in a hotel and I am in there town this weekend. Yesterday I was looking something up online when I started to hear a pounding sound. I looked up and it was kids, just walking around but they were making more noise than I make when I walk around, and I outweigh their cumulative weight by 130 lbs. It took me about 3 seconds to realize that, like a lot of young people, they lead with their heels.

It makes a huge difference and while it’s obviously not your obligation to comply, the request is really doesn’t seem too far out of left field.


p.s. “I would immolate my neighbor if they asked me not to walk around in heels.”
On heels…not in heels.

and a few others…
It’s late and I am tired.

People can be dicks. Some folks don’t want a confrontation in regards to addressing neighbors. People feel more comfortable writing notes and being polite which was met with a hipster type sarcasm that should then be met with a huge foot in this tools ass which would of been my second reply but you can’t help the stupid hipsters of the world can you?